A Shift in the Wind
by curdled-milk
Summary: An amnesiac, ill Tsukasa, a petulant, possessive Rui, a neurotic, recentlylaid Tsukushi, two playboys, two hangerson, and an onsen: A pleasant weekend retreat or a recipe for disaster? complete
1. setting the scene

~~~Disclaimer: I don't own hyd or any of the characters! This fic takes place during Tsukasa's bout with Amnesia. What if Tsukushi tried to pull of yet another of her infamously stupid decisions to leave him for Rui? 

Warning: this is version 2.0, edited and revised. The first 18 chapters are pretty much the same-- with only minor edits and formatting fixes. Really, I should have cut ch 17-19, but I was too lazy to rewrite them, so I just changed the end of 19. Also, so I don't get sued for theft of any other intellectual property rights, the lyrics that preface chapters 1-10 are all from the song Falling to Pieces, by Faith No More. Anyway, I promise, this time, I'll try to finish the damned thing. Really. ~cm~~~

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. . . Back and forth, I sway with the wind

Resolution slips away again 

Right through my fingers, back into my heart 

Where it's out of reach and it's in the dark. . .

__

"You can lean on me now". The words echoed over, and over again in Tsukushi's head, as she leaned into Rui's strong embrace. Standing there, feeling his heart beating close to her face, she reflected bitterly on the tricks life kept playing on her.

__

It can't go on like this. . . Every time something goes wrong, I always come running back to him. . .

"It's just not right!!"

With this outburst, Tsukushi finally raised her tear-streaked face from Rui's chest. He gazed back down at her, and waited for her to speak her piece, as usual.

"You know how I feel-- how can you let me use you this way? It's not normal! How can you be so complacent to be my crutch, when you know I love him? What the hell is wrong with you??" Once again, she failed to keep the tears down.

__

Goddamnit, I didn't start to cry so much before I met these guys. I used to be happy. I used to be stable. And look at me now --- I've fallen so far the last few years. Why have I been cursed to be their pet?

Rui grinned at her, "That's more like it! Such spirit. That's what I was waiting for." She could only stare at his stupid happy face, her eyes big as platters.

__

I will never understand men. Tsukushi thought stupidly, as she looked up at him. _And why is he looking at me like that? Have I grown two heads or something?_

"You shouldn't make such faces at me." Rui teased her.

"Why not? You let me do everything else to you, why shouldn't I be able to make whatever faces I want, as well?" Tsukushi began to recover from her depression enough to respond acidly.

"Because, you fool, it only makes me want to do this..." And with these words, Rui bent down, raising her chin with one hand, as he did so, and kissed her in that slow, gentle way of his. Even though she was at last beginning to get used to this kind of behavior, Tsukushi still freaked out in her usual way. As she backed away, yammering all kinds of nonsense, Rui just watched with a dreamy glow in his marbled eyes.

__

Shit, he did it again. I feel like I'm cheating on Doumyouji every time Rui kisses me, even though right now that idiot's probably flirting with that irritating bitch [Umi] right now. Makino fumed, despite her confusion. 

"Will you stay on the topic, you bastard! And don't do that, it bothers me!" she finally yelled.

"Does it really bother you that much?" Rui asked wistfully.

__

No, actually, the way you touch me, it always makes me feel calmer . . It's the sort of thing I wish Doumyouji and I could have-- a perfect moment of peace where time suspends itself.

Seeing Makino look like she was wavering, Rui crossed the room to her and tried to take her in his arms again. But she only turned her back, relenting just a little at the last moment before he let go, to lean back into his embrace.

"I wish we could go back in time, before things got so complicated. . ."

"Things between us have always been complicated." Rui reminded her.

"And they never get any simpler, do they?"

__

Not like it would matter anyway. Things would still turn out the same: me in love with Doumyouji, but needing Hanazawa Rui to watch over me. Using him over and over again when life gets rough.

"What are you thinking of?" Rui continued to stare down at her from his great height.

"Doumyouji and I; you and I; you and Shizuka. What a mess we've all made of each other's lives. . .

. . . What will you do when Doumyouji remembers me, and if he still wants me after all this?"

Rui's eyes darkened and a melancholy look moved across his face. "I'll be here waiting, when you need me again," he replied seriously.

"Idiot! You can't wait here, this is my house!" Tsukushi nervously chattered in an attempt to fill the silence.

__

Why can't I love Rui again? He's always so good to me, and good for me too, I think. . .

"And what do you mean, 'when'?" she burst out in exasperation.

__

He doesn't think we can live a happy life. . . Sometimes, I think he's right. No matter how hard we try, no matter how many times we triumph, we never quite reach a plateau where we can just stop and rest a while. . . At least, not when we're together. . 

Because I think. . . 

. . . I find my plateau whenever Rui's standing beside me.

And right now, Doumyouji doesn't even remember me, or want me around. And. . . . I can only fight so much . . . for so long... I . . 

"I'm . . . tired. . . Rui, tired of fighting all the time. Sometimes i need to stop, and recover myself. I want to give up. I know you don't like to see that side of me; you and everyone else who believes in me. But please don't hate me when I say... I don't want to fight anymore."

The bare room was still and quiet. Tsukushi and Rui stood as still as statures in the darkening gloom, while behind them on the wall, the last rays of sunlight illuminated the pressed flowers, hanging, framed, upon the wall. Slowly Tsukushi turned around in Rui's arms until she faced him. He continued to gaze serenely at her.

"You know I could never hate you."

__

Not today maybe, but. . . someday. . . she fretted again.

"I need you to be here for me, always." Tsukushi continued, "I know that's wrong of me . . . but. . ."

Suddenly her eyes lit upon the flowers, and she remembered his happy eyes in New York-- happy to be with her, despite her faraway glances and constant sighing for his best friend; Tsukasa -- the man who had abandoned her in a foreign city with no explanation, or any kind of kind word; the man who had made her heart feel like it was shattering into a billion tiny pieces, while Rui had stood by her, thoughtfully, indulgently, caringly, while she cried. It had been a bad time for Rui to express his love, but it had moved her all the same.

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Why does it have to be like this? Doumyouji breaks my heart again and again. No matter how we try, we always hurt each other. Rui is always there for me, and he never hurts me. Maybe… maybe if I could learn to love him again, my heart would not feel so bad?

I can do this, I can change! I will give up on Doumyouji! She pasted a smile upon her face, looked brightly up at Rui, and

"I have a present for you!"

"Eh?" Rui looked completely bemused by this turn of events. Tsukushi reached up, took his face in her hands.

"You've done so much for me, I want to make you happy for once!" she exclaimed as she pulled him down to kiss him.

__

Huh?! This is unexpected, Rui thought in some shock. However, before he had time to think too hard about what was really going on here, his passions, normally kept well suppressed beneath his silent exterior, kicked in, and he responded by deepening the kiss and tightening their embrace. 

But only briefly. As Rui gazed down into Tsukushi's eyes, he saw what he'd known he'd find; a glint of artificiality, the telling sheen of 'trying too hard.' Seeing this, he reluctantly broke off the kiss and backed off.

Tsukushi, feeling him back away, tensed up even more, _Should I have done that? he's even a better kisser than Doumyouji— Where was he practicing all these years?_ Her heart pounded, as she worried about the consequences of her foolishness.

Rui paused, ruffling his hand through his hair, "Well, that was . . . unexpected. You don't have to force yourself, you know. I'll be here whether you love me or not. I'm happy just being around you. Though I would rather you stopped trying to act like someone you aren't." He finished sternly.

Tsukushi felt like she was about to crumble to the floor. _I don't know whether I should feel rejected or relieved. Shit, I think I'm gonna cry again, if I don't do something quickly._

Tsukushi burst out with the first thing that came to mind, "You are so not normal Hanazawa Rui... That must be why I like you so much!"

__

Well, at least that filled the silence. I'm such an idiot. Stupid. Stupid! Tsukushi berated herself as she pulled herself together.

Seeing that whatever moments of doubt were dissipating, and that Tsukushi was starting to return to her normal self, Rui teased, "I think I'd like to try that again." as he moved in as if to kiss her again.

. 

Tsukushi, now that the moment had passed, reverted back into character and started inching away. 

"No! What are you doing! Pervert!"

"That's what I thought. You don't need to act in front of me!" Rui responded. Though, his expression was faintly mocking, sadness cast its shadow across his face as well, as he knew without a doubt, that here was another girl whose heart would probably never belong to him the way his did to her.

Looking at his overcast expression, Tsukushi again sank into indecision. _Shit! Why can't I do what I meant to? I want to choose Rui. I really do. I want to opt out of the chaos that my life's become. Why can't I?_

And. . . . I have to admit. . . It did feel good. . . 

So, let's try again. I made a decision and I will stick to it. Makino's rationalization for what she was about to do next was truly not to be believed, but like the rest of humanity, she could be incredibly stupid when she was trying to convince herself of something she already knew to be untrue.

"Rui," she whispered looking up at him again, " I really do want to be with you. I know, I want Doumyouji more, but I don't need him like I need you. Please will you stay with me tonight?"

"Don't force yourself," Rui replied bitterly, turning away again and heading for the door. Makino stared after him briefly, then

"Wait!" she yelled and rushed after him.

"What for?" Rui turned around, slouching moodily, his hands thrust deep into his pockets. "What are you doing this to me for? Why are you playing with my heart? Can't you let me be, and accept my love, without torturing me with this bizarre behavior?"

"Eh?"

"If I thought you meant any of the shit you were spouting just now, I'd be over you so fast you wouldn't know what hit you," he spat out bitterly. Tsukushi gasped as she remembered that scene from so long ago-- that time on Doumyouji's yacht where she'd spied on Rui dragging Shizuka off to his cabin. . . 

"I meant what I said," Tsukushi took her stand. _This time I won't freak out. I won't I won't I won't_. Deliberately she crossed over to where he was standing, and, quite forcefully, grabbed his collar, and slammed him back against the wall, pinning him there with her body, and with her lips against his. For a few seconds, Rui was numb with shock. But at last, he heaved a mental shrug, and gave in to his desire; wrapping his arms around her slender back and pulling her closer. As the embrace went on, one hand began to explore lower down her back, a smooth caress reaching her hips and ass. Tsukushi stiffened briefly at this more intimate touch, but determinedly went on with their epic kiss. As she broke off at last, her face flushed, and eyes glowing., Rui reversed his caress, sliding his hand up under her shirt, until he reached her bra. Tsukushi resolutely began planting kisses down his jaw and neck, though inwardly she was nearly paralyzed with nervousness and dismay over her actions. Just as Rui's nimble fingers had succeeded in unhooking her bra, there came a noise from the door. . .

TBC.


	2. caught!

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Sometimes I think I'm blind 

Or I may just be paralyzed 

Because the plot thickens every day 

And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin' away 

But I know, there's a picture beneath 

Indecision clouds my vision 

No one listens. . . 

Akira, Soujiro, Sakurako and Shigeru were walking down a street.

"What are we going to do about Tsukasa?" Shigeru asked for the nth time, "We've got to do something to make him remember Tsukushi."

"You think she hasn't tried?" Akira replied. "We tried everything we could think of to cue his memory, but he just got angry."

"Obviously, you went about it wrong." Sakurako snorted, "And you let that slut Umi hang around him too much. You ever think that having Tsukushi beat the boy up, might not have been the best technique in the world… Then you let Umi get all cutesy-eyed and helpful around him. . . Like any of that is going to help!"

Shigeru rolled her eyes at Sakurako's description of Umi. "The pot calling the kettle black," she reflected silently,

"Hey wait. . ." Soujiro's eye's lit up, as an idea came to him, "That's something she hasn't tried!"

"Huh?" Three heads turned to stare at him.

"Well think about it. Tsukasa can't remember Tsukushi and refuses to admit that he could possibly have dated someone like her. And there's certainly one sure way for her to prove that she loves him and that they are, in fact, a couple. . . ."

Shigeru and Sakurako broke in laughter simultaneously. "Do you only think about one thing?" Shigeru questioned, as Sakurako shook her head, "She'd never go for it. You know what Tsukushi's like."

"Aww, but it's such a great plan." Soujiro protested. "We could at least see if she'll try it. You'd think she'd be willing to do whatever it takes to help him. . ."

"I think he's got a point," Akira, the other playboy, obviously saw the merit in Soujiro's idea. "I can see it now. . . It will go something like this. . ." Akira grabbed Soujiro, and the two jokers enacted out the scene they envisioned, while Sakurako and Shigeru watched incredulously. 

Akira, as Tsukushi, spoke in a high falsetto, "Oh Tsukasa, how are you today? I missed you so much!"

Soujiro, as Tsukasa, grumbled grouchily, "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

Akira wrapped his arms around Soujiro, "I'm your girlfriend, you fool. Don't you remember, I'm the one who kisses you like this. . and this." Akira and Soujiro proceeded to mime passionate kissing.

Soujiro grinned, and said slyly, "Hmm. . . I think I'm starting to remember. But I might need a few more reminders—what did you say your name was again?"

"Perhaps this will help you remember a little more." Akira mimed twining even more closely around Soujiro.

At this point, the two girls, who'd been watching this performance with wide eyes, could restrain their laughter no longer. The boys broke apart, dropping their roles to ask in wounded tones, "What, don't you think that will work?"

Unable to answer for all the giggling, Shigeru and Sakurako could only shake their heads helplessly. 

"But why don't you suggest it anyway," Sakurako gasped as she at last began to recover. "I'd like to see Tsukushi's response. It might help cheer her up…"

"Or maybe just get your ass kicked." Shigeru added unnecessarily. "Let's go see her anyway, she's probably feeling pretty bad right now, and she could use our support."

Nodding in agreement, the four friends set off in the deepening twilight to find Tsukushi's apartment. 

As they neared the rickety building in which Tsukushi and her brother lived, they ran in to Susumu, on his way home himself. 

"Hey there, Makino!" Sakurako greeted the boy, "Is your sister home?"

"Probably," Susumu replied, "She said she'd make me dinner tonight. You're welcome to come up with me and see."

The group needed no second urging to follow the boy up the narrow stairwell to the apartment. 

"Ugh," Akira grimaced at the state of the building, "how can you poor people stand to live in a place like this?

"Hush!" Shigeru glared at him, "Be polite! We're here to cheer Tsukushi up! Not insult her."

"Hmph. She can't hear me yet anyway," Akira retorted grumpily, but said no more.

Reaching the landing, Susumu went to unlock the door, "Sister, I'm Ho. . . ." He started to shout as the door swung open. The words trailed off abruptly, however, as he caught sight of the activity inside the small apartment. 

Peering in over Susumu's shoulder, the four people in the hallway were equally stunned by the sight that met their eyes.

"Whoa. . ." No one was ever quite sure who uttered the sentiment that was going through all their minds.

"Tsukushi?" gasped Akira, as his jaw dropped in disbelief.

"And Rui!" Sakurako snapped. Shoving past Susumu, she stalked over to the couple.

Tsukushi was blushing beet red in horror at having been caught in such a state. She started to back away from Rui's embrace, as she turned to face these unexpected visitors, and tried to straighten her disheveled clothing. She was at a complete loss for words. The stray thought flashed through her head that death might even be preferable to standing here right now, with her friends starting at her, accusation and betrayal written large in their eyes.

Rui was calmer. Other people's issues with him had never much bothered him before, and they didn't hold much weight for him now. He did wish that Tsukushi could have been spared this embarrassment. But it was no use crying over that which could not be undone. So, rather than letting Tsukushi go, he tightened his hold around her waist so that he was supporting her against himself. She felt limp; were it not for Rui's strong hands holding her up, she could almost have fallen through the floor. Still, neither spoke, as Sakurako stood glaring at them.

"How could you?!" Sakurako spoke at last, her eyes filling with tears, "How could you do this to Tsukasa! He's counting on you to make him remember! We all are! And instead you. . . you. . ." She couldn't finish her sentence, she was so furious. Waving her arm in illustration instead, she considered slapping Tsukushi. But before she could turn thought to action, Rui reached out almost presciently, and grabbed hold of her flailing fists. 

"Back off." Rui glared at Sakurako, his gaze swiveling around to take in the entire group, still standing in the doorway. "You have no right to judge us. What have you done to help Tsukushi remind Tsukasa? What have you done to keep Umi away? Nothing! You spent hours with Tsukasa just yesterday, and you never once mentioned that perhaps, maybe, just maybe it was Tsukushi, not Umi he couldn't remember. And now you're going to blame Tsukushi for not trying hard enough? Don't you think she's suffered enough already? Why can't you just leave her alone!"

Akira and Soujiro had never seen Rui so angry before. They were stunned. And he'd even spoken more than one sentence at a time. But, even so. . . 

Shigeru was the first to recover her ability to speak this time. "What's your excuse then, Rui? Tsukasa's your friend too. You could have told him any of that stuff you were blaming us for not mentioning."

At this accusation, Rui frowned, but answered simply enough, "I did tell him. He didn't believe me, since no one else backed me up. Apparently, he thinks Tsukushi's my girlfriend now anyway. He told me I should take care of her better. So I am. Though not quite in the way he intended, I think" Which was true, given that Doumyouji had been yelling at Rui to make his 'girlfriend' behave better and not be such a violent freak.

And still Tsukushi did not speak. She just sank deeper into herself as Rui held her up. She felt as though things would never be right again, if even her friends could turn on her so violently.

At last, Rui broke the silence once more. "Why are you all still standing there? Go home! Better yet, go tell Tsukasa that I can make his girlfriend happier than he ever could. If he wants to try and get Tsukushi back, he'd better try and remember what he forgot real fast. Because this time I'm not letting her go so easily." He really was furious at this whole situation. He knew that Tsukushi had turned to him once more only because of her utter frustration with Tsukasa's inability to remember her, and because of his cruel dismissal of her. But Rui had learned since the days of his infatuation with Shizuka. He now knew how to take care of people. And the one he wanted to take care of was Tsukushi. No matter what the others thought, he would not let her go without a fight, now that he had her. And perhaps with time, she would be happy again. . . 

But for now, they could just use some time to calm down.

Susumu, catching the dangerous glint in Rui's normally placid eyes, hurried to herd the visitors back out the way they'd come, leaving Tsukushi and Rui alone again, for a few moments at least.

To be continued….


	3. falling apart

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Because I'm somewhere in between 

My love and agony 

You see I'm somewhere in between 

My life is falling to pieces 

Somebody put me together

Sakurako was pissed off. After leaving—No—Getting kicked out of Tsukushi's apartment, she stormed off, leaving the others staring at each other in disbelief. While those three fools stood around trying to decide what to make of the situation, and what to do next, She knew exactly what had to be done.

Catching the first cab that caught her eye, Sakurako sped to the hospital where Doumyouji lay convalescing. She was too angry even to wait for the elevator to come to the lobby below. Instead, she raced up the stairs in a most unladylike manner. As she paused to catch her breath at the nurses' station, she was accosted by the night duty nurse.

"Can't you read the sign, young lady? It's past visiting hours – you'll have to come back tomorrow!"

"Get out of my way, you ugly bitch," Sakurako snarled, "I'm going to see Doumyouji and you aren't going to stop me. Don't even try." Not waiting for an answer, she shoved past the cowed attendant and stomped into Doumyouji's room.

At the sight of this unexpected visitor, Tsukasa looked up with a start.

"Eh? Sakurako? What are you doing here at this hour?"

"You shut up! Listen to me, you pathetic excuse for a man. Your girlfriend is making out with Hanazawa Rui right now and you're just lying there! It's disgusting!"

"What on earth are you talking about? Calm down, you stupid freak!"

Sakurako glared right back at the injured boy. "Tsukushi is cheating on you with your best friend and you don't even care? I don't know what that amnesia has done to you, but no real man would just lie there and let the woman he loved get stolen by someone else. . . Again! Get up and do something!"

"Wha? . . . Tsukushi? You mean that short, plain, annoying girl who keeps hanging around here? Isn't she already Rui's girlfriend? I told her to go away because she just wouldn't shut up. You'd think he'd have chosen a girl that was as silent as him? But oh no. What a pain!"

Sakurako lunged forward and grabbed Tsukasa by the collar. "Well if you don't do something soon, she sure as hell will be his girlfriend, and you're going to regret acting so stupid, once you recover your memories, you moronic ass! . . . or wait. . . " She stepped back again, a dangerous glimmer reflecting in her eyes, "Don't tell me you like that Umi bitch now?"

"At least she's not violent!" Tsukasa snapped back.

"Idiot! You Like violent women! Remember? Whatever happened to the man who couldn't stand cutesy girls? If you tell me you're interested in that vapid bimbo now, I'll kill her myself, before Tsukushi gets a chance to. . ."

"Huh?" Tsukasa looked confused, then smiled patronizingly, as an idea came to him, "Wait a sec. You're not really here to talk about this Tsukushi person are you? You're here because You're jealous of Umi! Did you think I couldn't see through your little plan?"

"Argh!" Sakurako shouted in fury, and tears rose in her eyes as she screamed her reply. "You stupid stupid man! Have you really not listened to a word I said? You loved Tsukushi! Tsukushi Loved you! I'm talking about the girl who carried you all the way to the hospital by herself when you were stabbed! Even if you don't remember her, you could at least have tried to act like you care! But you couldn't be bothered. And now, you're about to lose her! If you don't do something about it Now, I will never forgive you!"

Sakurako turned to storm out of the room, but hesitated momentarily in the doorway to favor the astounded boy with one final glare.

"And remember what I said about Umi. I'll kill her before I let you have her. So back the hell off." With these flamingly angry words, she vanished at last, leaving a very confused Tsukasa staring weakly after her.

"I have no idea what that was all about…" he muttered to the empty doorway.

To the nurses who poked their heads in shortly after Sakurako's departure, checking to make sure everything was ok, he could only answer with a shrug. And, after they left again, he was still frowning in confusion.

What had that all been about? Why was Sakurako so upset about Rui and this Makino chick? Sure, he'd heard Sakurako's words, but without memories to place them in context, they really didn't seem to make any sense to him. Makino had seemed to be rather plain, and well, ordinary to him. Nothing to get excited about. Plus, she seemed so angry every time his friends brought her to visit. It was very strange. She didn't really seem like a girl that he would ever have reason to meet, much less become interested in. What good qualities did she have? . . . He had no idea. 

Now, Umi on the other hand, was very sweet and helpful. She appeared to be a nice person, but . . . her enthusiasm was a bit wearing. . . one only take so much of her blinding hyperactivity. He didn't really think that he liked her that much, though . . .she did bring him that bento that one time. . . 

And what was up with Sakurako? She really was very cute when she was Angry. . It reminded him of. . . something. . . he couldn't quite remember what? As if from a great distance he thought he heard a voice in the far back of his mind: a girl yelling at him not to be such a pathetic coward? But the echo faded before it ever reached his conscious mind, and he could not quite grasp what spark it was that had made him smile. At any rate, Sakurako had seemed very cute just now. Not in that annoyingly girly way she looked when she was all flirty, but in a strange feisty way.. . Tsukasa smiled at the thought. . Sakurako really had become a more interesting person over the years. Maybe it was true, what he'd accused her of? Maybe she really did still have a crush on him and was just using Umi as an excuse to vent her frustration? Though why did she have to keep bringing up that Makino girl?

Hmm… Sakurako? She could be. . . interesting. . . Tsukasa drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face, even as Sakurako's tear streaked face flashed before his eyes and her words echoed through his skull one final time. "You idiot! Why are you lying there? Go do something about it!" . . . Something. . . . Perhaps he would go do Something. . . . Tomorrow. . . . 

------

Tsukushi was having a bad day. One of what sometimes seemed to be almost an endless string of terrible days; attacked by the world, forced to suffer dramatic reversals of her happiness, and never sure when she would find stability at last. Sure, everyone thought she could handle herself just fine. After all, this was the girl who'd stood up to the F4 and the entire school of Eitoku all by herself. A common weed, unbent by numerous scuffles with her tormenters, bouncing back from even the most terrible emotional setbacks, and fights with Tsukasa. But still, everyone has their limits. 

Tsukushi was finally beginning to reach her limits at last. In the past, she'd had many bad moments where she'd run way from her fate; tried to avoid the situations that caused her pain. But she'd always fought back, come back stronger than ever, with truer ties to Tsukasa forged in the hot forge of their shared trials. Now though, the situation was all different. This time, there was not even the subconscious awareness of Doumyouji's love that she'd always had before All there was, was emptiness; echoes of his cold eyes and cold, flat voice, as he pushed her out of his hospital room, without any recognition or the slightest hint of warmth in his voice. All this after he and Tsukushi had pledged their love on the moon-drenched shores of Shigeru's island. It was a pain that should not have been borne. 

Tsukushi could no longer bear it. 

She was heading full tilt for a major emotional breakdown.

The confrontation with the F2, Sakurako and Shigeru had just clinched the diagnosis. Sure, it was pretty obvious when she started coming on to Rui that something was deeply wrong with Tsukushi's psyche right now. Nevertheless, the way she sank bonelessly to the floor the second the door had shut behind the four visitors spoke volumes louder than her words had before.

Tsukushi did not want to say a word. Did not think she could say anything even if she tried. Did not feel like she would ever want to speak again. Not when everything she did went wrong. So she did the only thing she could, and dissolved into a hopeless puddle of tears.

Rui slowly knelt down behind her, and, cradling her in his arms, rocked her as if she were a baby, until at last her sobbing subsided and she lapsed into an exhausted slumber. Emotionally drained as she had been, this didn't actually take all that long. Long enough for Susumu to have returned to the apartment, however. The boy was not used to seeing his strong sister fall apart so completely. He couldn't bear to watch this scene, and beat a hasty retreat to his own corner of the apartment, where he fixed his eyes determinedly upon his text books and refused to acknowledge that something like this could ever happen. Sure, he wanted to comfort his sister. But.. . he couldn't. . . not with that scene he'd so recently interrupted so fresh in his mind, and not with that Rui guy still here. Susumu had always been a bit creeped out by the silent stony-faced man, and wished he'd leave soon. Susumu most definitely liked Doumyouji better—Plus he had more money than Hanazawa! 

Susumu's wish for Rui to leave was soon granted, but not quite as he had wished. Scooping Tsukushi's limp body up, Rui headed for the door several minutes after he was sure that she'd really fallen asleep.

"Hey where are you taking my sister?" Susumu yelled in outrage.

"Away." Rui replied simply, "She needs some time to herself. Away from . . . all this." Declining to elaborate further, despite Susumu's somewhat incoherent protests, Rui left the apartment, still cradling the unconscious Tsukushi as if she were the most precious thing in the world.

Outside, despite the chill of the night, Akira, Soujiro, and Shigeru were still milling around, at a loss for what they should do next. Rui ignored them and their stares as he called a car to come retrieve Tsukushi and himself. None of the three quite had the guts to question him or what he thought he was doing after what had happened earlier, so they simply watched in disbelief as Rui and Tsukushi were driven off down the street and out of sight.

"Do you think we should follow them?" Soujiro suggested at last, in a rather hesitant tone.

"Probably," Akira agreed as he snapped open his cell phone to call his own chauffeur.

"Tsukushi. looked. . .almost. . dead. . ." Shigeru lamented.

For now there was nothing these three could do, but wait, and try to find out where Tsukushi had been taken. And, at last, they too departed in their cars, leaving behind the deserted street, the chilled apartment, and the saddened and confused little brother sitting all alone in the dark.

To be continued….


	4. morning

__

Layin' face down on the ground

My fingers in my ears to block the sound

My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight

Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight

The austere room was very quiet. Outside, a bright sun was shining down through the crisp autumn air. Streaming in through wide windows, the warm rays seemed to focus on a still figure, lying tightly curled up, in a wide bed.

Rui watched pensively from his own dark corner, his chin resting on his fist, as the sunlight crept along the bed, casting its bright glow upon Tsukushi's slight frame. He'd been watching her all night, it seemed, and now for much of the day. And she'd still not awakened from her stupor. Were it not for the regular rise and fall of her chest beneath the thick comforter, one would not have known that she was alive.

Rui did not know what to do. He still did not completely understand how Tsukushi had come to occupy so much of his heart. He, who had once only had eyes for the goddess that was Shizuka. Perhaps, it was because of their differences. After all, Shizuka had never needed him—She'd always been the one to protect him—making him feel like her toy, her own little boy, But Tsukushi: she'd first treated him as her own idol. Then, despite learning his weaknesses, she'd still liked him; come to need him. It gave him purpose. Let him feel alive. Useful. 

But now, he did not know what to do. The thought made him want to cry. Tsukushi's hurt was so great, and this time, he could not simply remind Tsukasa of his duty towards Tsukushi. What use torturing an amnesiac so? Satisfying as it would feel to beat the living hell of out Doumyouji- to leave him as a trembling bloody pulp for the suffering he'd inflicted upon Tsukushi, it would do no good. Would not help reunite the star-crossed lovers. 

And, deep inside his soul, in a place Rui tried to forget existed, he was glad. Glad that This time, it was not within his power to drag Tsukushi and Tsukasa back together for their own good. For he knew, despite their moments of joy with each other, they'd only bring each other pain time and again. Rui would not allow such a thing to happen with himself.

But still. He did not admit the existence of his delight. And so, all he could do was watch impotently as Tsukushi slept.

Rui felt his fists curl tighter upon themselves in frustration . As the nails dug deeper into his palms, he growled deep in his throat, despairingly. He loved Tsukushi. Would shout this fact to the world if only it would help ease her hurt. 

But would it be enough? Slowly, Rui relaxed his clenched hands, as his head dropped between them, to be cradled in his laced fingers.

For now, all he could do was wait.

Tsukushi woke slowly. As she drifted up through the layers of sleep, she at first could remember very little of yesterday's events. The warm sun on her face, the soft blankets that encompassed her, all conspired to prevent rational thought. Not that this was a bad thing, mind you. Somewhere, a little voice in the depths of her unconscious whispered that she should just lie here with her eyes shut and enjoy the sensations while she could. A full wakening would be. … unpleasant, to say the least. 

Thus, she continued to float drowsily in the warmth. Content to forget all. . . Until in a flash, like a knife to her throat, it all came stabbing back. Yeah, it'd have been better to stay asleep.

A cold hard knot formed in her throat, displacing the comfortable contentment she'd basked in just moments before.

__

Where am I? was her first coherent thought, then, _This doesn't feel like my bed. And the light's all wrong. . . we never get this much sun in the apartment. . . ._

Reluctantly, her eyes flicked open. She had to face the world sometime. May as well get it over with, now. . . 

The first thing Tsukushi saw as she blinked in the cheery sunlight, was Rui's face. He'd crossed the room to her, the second he saw her beginning to stir. 

She thought he looked… exhausted. Perhaps almost as bad as she felt, but as she watched, his expression, half-worried, half-hopeful, broke out into one of those slow smiles of his. These smiles, produced only for her, never failed to stir something in her heart, like a butterfly trying to escape, and she could not help but try and smile back.

It was a weak effort, though, and Rui could not fail to notice. He crouched down by the side of the bed, and reached out to clasp one of Tsukushi's hands where it lay limply on the bed. With the other, he gently stroked her hair, as he continued to watch her worriedly.

"I'm glad you're awake." He spoke at last. "I was afraid you might be learning to sleep as much as me!"

It was a weak joke, but Tsukushi felt the start of a smile trying to tug her lips up in response. She gazed searchingly at his haggard face. 

__

He looks like he's been through hell and back? Is it because of me? He can't have slept last night? Was he here the whole time? Oh Rui. . . . . How is it that you're so often the one to take care of me? These thoughts flowed through Tsukushi's mind in rapid succession as she gripped his cool hand more tightly.

"Where are we?" Tsukushi replied. She felt as though all the tears yesterday had turned her throat to sandpaper. In her own ears, her voice sounded harsh and drained. He must think she was utterly pathetic. Recalling her strong words yesterday, about needing to make a change, right before her collapse, Tsukushi felt so stupid, felt that she should have known that things would not have been that simple Not when there were other people involved. And there always were. But, before she could get lost in her brooding thoughts again, Rui answered her question.

"We're at my family's new retreat. I finally convinced my father to buy a vacation home with a hot springs. And since we just bought it a few weeks ago, no one else knows about it yet," Reassuringly, Rui patted Tsukushi on the head, "No one will bother us here, until you're ready to go back. Oh yeah, and I ordered my driver to go back and get your things from your apartment." He smiled that hopeful smile again, as if waiting to see if Tsukushi approved of his actions.

__

Such a mother-hen. Tsukushi could not believe how considerate Rui could be; remembering every detail and taking care of things before she could even think of them. Not at all like Tsukasa, whose impulsiveness always led to them taking off unprepared to face the day.

Tsukushi smiled up at Rui. She knew that she would not really be able to stay here long. No matter what she might want. She had school. And work. But just a few days. . . . to sit, and soak. And jut not deal with the world. Perhaps it would help her to forget, or at least ease the eternal ache in her heart. Give her the strength to fight back again, when she returned and the world attacked her again.

Rui could almost see these thoughts flitting behind her pain-filed eyes. _So brave; she'd fight to the end of the world_. he thought sadly. But he knew she wasn't really that strong. Especially now. One more shock, any more unkind words directed at her, and she just might break for good. And that he would Not allow. 

Rui felt himself growing angry just thinking about anyone causing Tsukushi to break. But one look at her attempted smile caused his heart to melt again. He leaned in and kissed Tsukushi, then impulsively, reached in and lifted her bodily into his arms

"Come on." He smiled down into her shocked face, "let's go see what the cook here can make for breakfast!"

"I can walk, you know!" Tsukushi couldn't help but yelp furiously.

"Maybe, you could, but not if I don't let you go." Rui replied teasingly, as she weakly kicked at him.

"Men!" Arrogant behavior like this always managed to bring back Tsukushi's spirit no matter how badly she felt. Which of course, had been Rui's goal all along. He grinned to himself, as he gently set Tsukushi down on her feet.

"Ooh! Cold floor!" Tsukushi winced as her bare feet landed

"You sure you wouldn't rather be carried?" Rui asked wistfully. Now that he'd put her down, he rather missed the warm weight of her leaning into his chest.

"I'm fine." Tsukushi stubbornly replied, "And whoa.. . . wait a sec. How'd I get to be in pajamas?" with a brightly burning blush, she turned to glare furiously at Rui. Rui, in turn, assumed his best stone-faced innocent look.

"Well, you couldn't very well sleep in what you were wearing." And it's not as though he hadn't seen her naked before. . . 

Tsukushi scowled, but the effort of summoning up this much anger in her already weakened state, had drained her too much, and before she could summon up an adequate retort or a slap, she felt herself begin to sway. Perhaps trying to walk on her own had not been such a good idea after all. . . .

Rui did not give Tsukushi time to fall. Scooping her back into his arms, he sighed,

"Fool woman, why do you always get so excited about such little things?" he bent down and tenderly kissed Tsukushi on her forehead as she tried to maintain her glare. "Let's put some food into you before you waste away."

Tsukushi surrendered to the indignity of being carried. It wasn't like she was in much of a state to do anything about it now anyway. And, she did feel secure here too. It wasn't quite like being carried by Tsukasa, but it was. . . peaceful, in the cradle of Rui's arms. She felt herself drifting off to sleep again as they headed out towards breakfast.

To be continued.


	5. relax

__

Droplets of "yes" and "no"

In an ocean of maybe

Breakfast over, the servants silently cleared the table. Tsukushi leaned back into her seat comfortably. Though she'd had no appetite, she had dug in with a will. She knew she had to keep her strength up. "Before doing battle, one must always eat!" There was no sense in changing that habit now, no matter that she found no pleasure in the taste of her food. 

Though they were just dining now, the hour was, in fact, well past noon, and the day was fast slipping away. Rui glanced over at Tsukushi expectantly. He was just itching to sink into one of the hot spring pools that dotted the property. There was no greater pleasure in life than to feel one's flesh and cares melting away in the steaming water. . . Well, he supposed one greater pleasure might be found in the feel of Tsukushi's warm lips beneath his, or her fingers entwined in his hand, or. . . With a mental clearing of his throat to push these thoughts away – for now at least—he arched an eyebrow at Tsukushi. 

"Do you think you can walk on your own yet? I thought we might go take a tour of the property, as I've never seen it before." 

Tsukushi blushed scarlet, and nodded. _I refuse to be that weak again!_ She berated herself silently, _I'm not a child to need to be carried everywhere! _Unsteadily, she got to her feet. In a flash, Rui was at her elbow. She fought the urge to shake off his supporting arm, thinking how embarrassing it would be to be seen acting so pathetic. But, she still felt exhausted, so she accepted the support that Rui offered. 

"Where's my clothes? I can't very well wander around in my pajamas all day!"

"Why not? There's no one around but the servants and us."

__

Sometimes he can be so bizarre. Does this boy never care what anyone else thinks? Tsukushi thought there was something wrong with someone willing to wander around outside in their pajamas. But she shrugged it off with a sigh—There was just no explaining Rui sometimes.

"It's cold out there!" she even managed a weak glare up at the boy, "And I don't even know where my shoes are"

"Oh. Well, I could carry you." Rui suggested hopefully, yet with a teasing smile.

This time, Tsukushi's only reply was her protesting blush.

Still Rui gave in, and walked Tsukushi back to her bedroom to show her where her things had been put away. By the time she was dressed, she was feeling strong enough to not need his supporting arm around her shoulder. But. . . . he did seem to enjoy keeping it there. And. . . . somehow, the closer his proximity to her, the less her mind called back thoughts of Doumyouji and all the things he'd done for her. It was almost as if by looking into Rui's marbled eyes, she could force the depths she witnessed therein to drown out her recollections of Tsukasa's face; laughing, smiling at her, hopeful, trusting. . . And then, the image that burned the others to ash; cold-- frozen in disdainful non-recognition. As long as she lost herself in Rui's gaze she saw none of this. . . . The second she looked away, however, it all came back, cruelly stabbing her soul like a thousand knives. (

__

Please, god, she wanted to beg Take away my memories, like you stole his. _Spare me this torture. Help me forget him, as he's forgotten me! And help us all; Rui, Tsukasa, Myself, Shizuka, Sakurako, Shigeru, even Akira and Soujiro, to forgive each other for the pain we've all put each other through._ Almost as great as her wish never to see Doumyouji's blank stare, was her desire never to see the feelings of betrayal that she'd witnessed in her friends eyes when they caught her with Rui.

__

Oh shit! Tsukushi remembered just what she'd been doing when the door opened on her yesterday. _I must be out of my mind! . . . I didn't? . . . I did. . . . I told Rui that I'd choose him. How can I do that when I can't stop thinking of Doumyouji_? With a bitter snort, she realized, _This is what happens every time! This time I will break the cycle! I can't go back to a man who won't even remember me. I will learn to love Rui. He's the only one who can help me to forget_.

As she started for the door, her thoughts all in a muddle, she thought she could feel the memory of his yearning lips on hers. . . . Lips so different from Tsukasa's, yet ones that sought her with an equal, if often hidden, intensity. And that felt so good as they pressed on hers. . . .

"Ah!" Tsukushi was startled to find Rui lounging on the hall floor directly opposite her door. He'd obviously been waiting for her to get ready, but in the meantime—he'd fallen asleep.

Well, I guess he probably didn't sleep last night, after all. . . .

Tsukushi gazed fondly at the slumped-over boy, and knelt down to wake him, with her hand on his shoulder.

Rui's eyes were open in a flash, and his serene face broke into an angelic smile at the sight of Tsukushi kneeling so close to him. Reaching up to take her hand in his, Rui stood up, and helped Tsukushi back to her feet as well. 

"Ready then?" Rui glanced down at Tsukushi. He still had not let go of her hand. _And I've no intention of giving it up either_, Rui thought to himself, almost as if he could read the thoughts roiling behind Tsukushi's eyes.

Tsukushi nodded, and the two went out into the bright sunshine. Tsukushi was oddly comforted by the feel of Rui's hand enveloping hers_. And to think, I once thought his flesh was cold and heartless. No, Rui's not cold at all—he's not burningly hot, not like_ _Doumyouji—but he is reassuringly warm_. . . .Still, even this comparison brought Tsukushi's memories hurtling back to Tsukasa, _The raging fire in his heart, that seemed to die when he lost his memory. He burned for me once. . . Am I letting all that slip away? Argh. . . . I just don't know! What is it that I want? What would I give for everything to go back to the way it was before! Somehow, no matter what I seem to do, I make my decisions too late. . . always too late to find happiness._ . . .Tsukushi felt the tears beginning to well up in her eyes again.

As if he could sense the shift in Tsukushi's mood by the trembling of her fingers laced with his, Rui turned around to face the broken –hearted girl.

"Tsukushi…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…" Tsukushi pulled her hand from his to wipe at her eyes.

"Let me." Rui gently lifted Tsukushi's hands away from her tear-streaked face. He couldn't stand to see Tsukushi cry—It always made his heart ache like it was about to crack in two. It didn't help that he knew exactly why she was crying. Damn Tsukasa! 

Softly, Rui wiped away the last of her tears with his thin fingertips. How he wanted to hold her until she forgot all her pains, kiss her until she willingly became his…. Rui allowed himself a mental sigh of resignation, Now was not the time to be thinking such things. . . .Not until Tsukushi was stronger. Not until she had had time to make up her mind. Or for Tsukasa to regain his memory and come back for her, he added pessimistically. For now however, Rui satisfied his longing to kiss Tsukushi, by gently brushing his lips across her forehead. 

Tsukushi felt herself tremble at Rui's light touch, and something stirred deep within. _I could stand like this forever. . . ._

That was not to happen. It would have been silly for the two of them to stand like statues on the threshold of the lodge for eternity. And Rui really did want to check out the hot springs. . . . Somewhat reluctantly, he pulled back and, retaking Tsukushi's hand in his, set off down one of the flagstoned paths leading out through the landscaped gardens.

Tsukushi let the crisp autumnal air flow through her lungs. The invigorating chill seemed to help clear her mind, lending to her thoughts the same clean clarity that it gave to the bright blue skies above. She felt herself let go of coherent thought as she lost herself in the beauty of the garden's fall coloring. 

Here and there, bright red and gold maples swayed in the sprightly breezes, letting veils of their falling leaves dance in the air as the couple passed beneath their overarching branches. Dark pines added their clean scent to the air, and the pleasing rustle of sharp needles seemed to hum in counterpoint to the lapping of the maple leaves rubbing on each other. In short, it was a beautiful day.

The secretive path they followed wended its way to a secluded corner beneath the trees. Here it took a sharp turn behind a rugged, moss-covered boulder, and abruptly opened up into a small clearing. The yellow rays of the sun filtered down through the break in the trees to illuminate a steaming pool of water.

"Ahh. . . . " Tsukushi sighed in delight. What a perfect spot for a soak. She wished she could slip right in to the water now. And, judging by the look on his face, Rui probably felt the same way. . . Only, Tsukushi didn't have a bathing suit with her. And she sure as hell wasn't going to go in naked while Rui was there, even if he had seen her nude before! He might get the wrong idea! Just the thought caused a slow flush to creep across Tsukushi's face. "Are there more pools like this?" she quickly asked, to cover her embarrassment.

"Yeah, there's supposed to be several more. But the maid told me last night that this was the old owner's favorite. . . . want to try it out?" Rui was eager to slip in.

"Eh. . . wait. . . what about. . . Isn't there a girl's pools and a boy's pool?" Tsukushi stammered uncertainly, her blush deepening still further.

"Huh?" _What is she getting so worked up about?_ Rui thought a few seconds, before coming to a realization, "You can't go off by yourself, you know—remember what happened last time you went hot-springing. You almost drowned! I'm not about to let that happen again!" Rui's unflappable expression grew stern while Tsukushi squirmed under his gaze. "But, I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a collection of swimsuits for the more prudish guests back at the lodge." Rui grinned teasingly at Tsukushi's startled expression, "Shall we try and go find them?"

__

Gah! How does he always know what I'm thinking?! Still. . . it's a relief. . . . 

As they turned back towards the house, Rui treated himself to one more glance at the waiting spring, and one, quickly squelched, selfish thought, _Ah well, it would have been nice if she could lose some of her inhibitions. . ._ . No one ever said that Rui was perfect. He was after all, just another teenaged guy… 

A short while later, Tsukushi and Rui returned to the secluded spring, toting the towels the servants had given them. (All the while exchanging knowing looks behind the teens' backs. . . .A teenaged boy, a teenaged girl, a romantic isolated spot, hmm??? You can be sure none of them were going to go near that spring while the two were out there. . . . wouldn't want to interrupt such a cute couple, eh?) 

Tsukushi had found a simple jade one-piece that made her pale skin glow like ivory, And Rui was having a hard time taking his eyes off her. As they lounged in the bracingly hot water, he'd surreptitiously glance at her from under his long eyelashes. It was so difficult to tear his eyes away from her petite form. Sure, Tsukushi would never be called hot, and she'd never be as achingly beautiful as Shizuka, but there was something in her form that drew the eye. Perhaps it was the determination that etched itself in every line and curve of her body, or the vibrant energy that shone out of every pore. Even now, when she was at her lowest, she seemed to glow with an inner light. . . . or so it appeared to Rui. Still, again and again, he found his gaze being drawn to her face; she was beginning to relax as the water worked its magic. As Rui watched, the strain was washing out, and Tsukushi's features grew gentler and calmer. . . .

Little did Rui suspect that, in part, this transformation was due to Tsukushi's observation of him. On entering the pool, she'd leaned back, eyes half closed against the heat, and had tried to clear her mind. Unfortunately, she'd found that she kept staring off into the trees, thoughts slipping back to Doumyouji in a seemingly unbreakable cycle. But then, she'd caught her gaze wandering over to where Rui lounged across from her. His still form seemed carved from marble; like that of some Greek god. Rui was thin, it was true, nevertheless, his scant briefs revealed the state of his perfectly toned muscles, his broad chest. . . Tsukushi felt her heart beating faster and hastily wrenched her wandering eyes up to his serene face. The sight of this face had always had an amazing ability to calm her heart and set her at ease. . . . And it did so now. Tsukushi didn't know why those eyes had such power over her, unless, or that smile -- always there for her and no one else. The half smile that Rui now wore. . . . Tsukushi fixed on it, and lost herself in the shape of his warm lips, the way his whole demeanor softened when he smiled. . . . and slowly Doumyouji's face was driven once more into the locked closet in the back of Tsukushi's mind. . . .

To be continued…. 


	6. back in tokyo

__

From the bottom it looks like a steep incline

From the top, another downhill slope of mine

But I know, the equilibrium's there.

Tsukasa woke from dreams of blood and tears. A sharp pain informed him that his nighttime thrashings had reopened the ragged gash in his side. Slowly he uncurled from the fetal ball that he'd unconsciously assumed, wincing as the flesh around his wound stretched. His sheets, damp with sweat from his feverishly clammy skin, now showed pink where blood seeped through his bandages.

"When is this fucking thing going to heal, already?" Tsukasa growled. He was in a foul mood. And to top things off, his head was ringing as if recently slapped.

Doumyouji managed to pull himself to a sitting position and impatiently rang for a nurse. "Hey you! I'm hungry! Bring me food, and do something about this!" he demanded, pointing to his oozing bandage. "Don't we pay you people enough to at least sew me up properly?!"

"Yes sir, right away sir," the much-harassed nurse mumbled as she fled. No one liked getting stuck with 'Doumyouji duty' – the man was a hellish patient. Maybe his friends would come by and distract him a while, so she could hide from his impatient demands. Though, from what she'd heard from the night nurse, some of them, like that girl…. What was her name? –Sakurako? Were almost as bad as him. "Hah, those two deserve each other," the nurse muttered cynically, "That'd make one fine couple—I bet she could take care of his whining all right-- anything to get him out of my care as soon as possible!"

---

Tsukasa was gloomily eating breakfast when Umi poked her heed through his door

"Ack!" Tsukasa threw his hand over his eyes to shield his face from the actinic glare of her smile. But it was too late. Like gleaming laser light, her super nova of a smile sent piercing rays of pain sleeting through his already aching skull. "Gah!" Tsukasa muttered as her smile dimmed down to mere 100 watt levels, "What are you so cheerful about?"

"Hi Tsukasa! I brought you lunch!" Umi whipped out a bento from behind her back, and skipped over to Doumyouji's bed. . . Well, at least she managed to convey the impression of skipping, even while limping on her crutches. It was a neat trick. Too bad Doumyouji was not in the mood to appreciate it. He was irritated and in pain. And not at all pleased that this grinning fool was acting like she knew him well. He was quite sure by now, she wasn't what he'd forgotten. He couldn't possibly have forgotten anyone so hyperactively irritating. 

"Mind if I sit down? Thanks!" Without waiting for his 'no', or rather, for the 'Yes, I do mind' that was starting to form in Doumyouji's mouth, she plopped herself down on the bed next to him, and slid the bento onto the table next to his breakfast tray. "Eat this! Hospital food is no good for you! This will help you get stronger! I made it myself, so you have to eat it!" She even bounced encouragingly as she spoke. 

It was quite sickening, especially as her jouncing of the bed sent fresh daggers of pain knifing through Tsukasa's side. But, remembering the bento from the day before, he dutifully opened the box and began to eat.

----

Sakurako woke with a start. Her phone was ringing. Again. She threw a pillow angrily across the room. Whoever it was had been calling all morning! Didn't they know she wanted to sleep? She wasn't in a mood to deal with people now, not after Tsukasa had totally blown her off. Again. Damn that man anyway! She sometimes felt as though he lived life to spite her. First, when they were kids, he just had to be an ass and insult her funny face... Then, when she'd got that fixed, he'd rejected her for the remarkably uncute Tsukushi. Sakurako had gotten over that too, aided by the fact that Tsukushi was such a relentlessly good-hearted person. And, now that she wanted Tsukasa to be with Tsukushi, he'd screwed her plans over. Again. Sakurako's pretty face twisted in rage. She hated not getting what she wanted. She wanted revenge.

It was time to go make Tsukasa's pathetic excuse for a life even more miserable.

Sakurako perked up; perhaps she'd start by fixing that bitch Umi so she couldn't smile that blinding grin again. She cracked her knuckles menacingly, as she climbed out of bed at last. Unheeded behind her, the phone continued its shrill ringing.

----

"Damn that girl!" Akira swore as he slammed his phone down. "Why doesn't she pick up?"

He, Soujiro, and Shigeru were sitting in his study; a mess of cell phones, crossed out lists, and telephone directories spread out before them. 

"Maybe she's not home?" Soujiro suggested most unhelpfully.

"What's the point of having her cell phone with her, if Sakurako refuses to use it? That's what I want to know," Akira muttered grumpily.

None of the three had gotten much sleep that night; they'd been too busy trying to find out to where Rui and Tsukushi had vanished. Not that they knew what they'd do when they found the absent couple; but they were at least determined to find them. So far however, the search had been fruitless. They'd called all the high-class hotels in Tokyo, but as far as they could tell, Rui'd not checked into any of them, They tried his house, but no one had seen him there, either. Soujiro had even called Yuki, but she'd been shocked to hear what Tsukushi had done, and could offer no advice—though she was coming over after work today, to give what help she could. 

So now they were trying to contact Sakurako, to get her to help out. But she'd turned off her cell, and wasn't picking up at home. 

"Maybe she figured something out last night, and went to find Tsukushi on her own?" Shigeru suggested.

"Why wouldn't she call, then? And she should of at least told us why she ran off like that, while she was at it!" Soujiro was getting frustrated, "Well, we're obviously getting nowhere here. It's time to go see Tsukasa anyway. We can take a break and come back later."

Despite the logic of this suggestion, suddenly everyone was unwilling to meet his eyes.

"What?! I'm not suggesting we tell him Rui and Tsukushi were making out. Geez! I'm not that insensitive. . . . but we can't just ignore him."

He was right. Still, all three of them felt acutely uncomfortable with the situation. Should they be mad at Tsukasa for forgetting Tsukushi and acting like an ass? Or should they hate Tsukushi for abandoning him? Or Rui, for being so quick to take Tsukasa's place? Above all, they worried that Tsukasa might go back to his old heartlessly violent ways if Tsukushi wasn't there to calm him. No one really wanted to be the first to find out if that were the case. Yet still, Tsukasa was their friend. And if nothing else, he was in physical pain, and deserving of their concern for that at least. Therefore, the three friends set off for the hospital, a bit slower than they might otherwise have done, if their hearts had not been so heavy and full of a muddle of conflicting emotions. 

---

Tsukasa chewed slowly. Somehow, nothing he tried tasted right. Something was wrong with this bento. Or maybe he just wasn't hungry. He shoved the box aside at last, a slight frown creasing his lips. Umi stared at him brightly.

"Did you like it?" She asked, "Oh. . . . you didn't finish. How do you expect to get stronger if you don't eat?" 

Just then a sharp voice rang out from the doorway, "How do you expect to live long, if you keep hanging out places you don't belong?" Sakurako stood there, radiating fury. Somehow her diminutive frame still managed to fill the doorway like some demonic apparition. "Get out of Tsukasa's room before I re-break both your scrawny legs."

"Oh! Stop your teasing! You're so silly!" Umi actually had the temerity to giggle at Sakurako's threat. "Tsukasa was just eating the lunch I brought him, Isn't that right, Tsukasa?"

Glad of an excuse to be rid of this idiotic chick who was plaguing him, Tsukasa frowned again, "It wasn't very good. I don't like that sort of thing"

"See? There, he doesn't want you here. Now get!" Sakurako stalked closer; murder written in her eyes.

"Why are you so mean to me?" Umi's happy face began to dim, "I'm just trying to help Tsukasa!" Still, the foolish girl made no move to get up from her perch on the bed.

Sakurako shook her head in disbelief, "Tsukasa, I can't believe you actually go for this sort of ditz now. Enjoy your last few seconds together while you can." With these words she finished closing the distance between Umi and herself. Showing a strength no one would have believed such a short girl could have mustered, she dragged Umi up off the bed and flung her out in the hall. Returning to Tsukasa's side, she proceeded to slap the confused boy across the face. "If you weren't an invalid," she warned, her face flushed with anger, "I'd hurt you much worse. I never before thought you were the kind of idiot to fall for fools like Umi. But not only are you a faithless ass, but your taste in women is absolutely execrable!"

Sakurako raised her hand to strike Tsukasa again. But before her slap could land, Doumyouji caught her wrist.

"Bitch," he growled, "As if my head didn't already hurt enough. What did you have to go and hit me for? Is it my fault that women fling themselves at me? Why on earth would you think that I, the great Doumyouji Tsukasa, would like a girl as annoying as her?"

Sakurako stared in shock, "You mean you don't like Umi? Why were you flirting with her then?" 

"Stupid woman! What makes you think I was flirting with her? It's not like I can easily get up and escape this room now can I?" Tsukasa felt his voice starting to get louder. Why was he getting defensive about this? What did it matter if Sakurako thought he was flirting with Umi? Why did he care what she thought at all? 

Tsukasa's jaw snapped shut as he pondered this thought. Last night, something in Sakurako's tone when she'd yelled at him had seemed to click. There was something about her, something in her attitude; fierce, seemingly confident, yet, at the same time, somehow vulnerable to the attacks of others, that called out to him. Silently he stared up at her face, trying to understand why these things spoke to him. Still he held her wrist tight within his grasp, though she no longer strained to hit him.

As for Sakurako, she found that she could no longer look away from Doumyouji's face. The vicious words that she'd intended to hurl at him died in her throat, as his expression softened, and became unreadable. Why was he looking at her like that? Like she was some sort of hunted beast? Sakurako felt her anger begin to rise again. She was not his prey! Never! She was here to chastise Tsukasa, to make him pay for driving Tsukushi away… So why did she stand here like a deer in the headlights while Tsukasa stared at her? 

Sakurako strained to wrench her wrist free from Tsukasa's unyielding grip. Desperately she tried to summon up at least a shadow of her former vitriol. 

While Sakurako wrestled with her inner confusion, Doumyouji cam to a decision. Last night when he'd been thinking about Sakurako's strange visit, he'd felt a strange stirring in his soul, and he told himself he'd do something about it... Well, now was as good a time as any. . . .

Impulsively, Tsukasa tightened his grasp on Sakurako's wrist as much as his weakened state would allow, and pulled her towards him. 

Taken by surprise, Sakurako was unable to pull away as Tsukasa stretched up and kissed her.

----

"Whoa!" Unbeknownst to either Tsukasa or Sakurako, Akira et al had arrived at the hospital just in time to have Umi land at their feet. Shigeru restrained her urge to kick the undignified girl out of the way, while Soujiro, gallant as always, helped Umi to her feet.

"What happened?" Soujiro inquired, as Umi broke into tears,

"That scary violent girl threw me out of Tsukasa's room!"

"What scary girl?" Soujiro and Akira exchanged looks—the only really violent girl they knew was Tsukushi and there was no way she'd be at the hospital now, right?

"I. . . . I don't know her name," Umi sniffled and moved in closer to Soujiro, "she was very pretty, red hair. . . ."

"Ah Sakurako!" Akira exclaimed in relief, "Looks like she beat us here."

"Violent?" Soujiro scratched his head. Who could explain Sakurako? At least she was here. Handing Umi her crutches, he disentangled himself from her deathgrip. Now was not the time for flirting.

Leaving Umi to limp off to her own room, Shigeru, Soujiro, and Akira poked their heads through Tsukasa's door, just at the right moment to see Tsukasa pull Sakurako close and kiss her.

Before either of those two could notice their presence, the threesome quickly withdrew to the corridor and stared at each other in disbelief. 

"Moves fast doesn't she?" Soujiro's sarcastic comment just popped out of his mouth before he could even think

"Umm. . . . "Shigeru stopped to ponder a second, "Are you sure it was Sakurako's doing?"

"Huh? Why wouldn't it be? She's Always wanted Tsukasa. She probably figured with Tsukushi off with Rui, she could just waltz in here and steal Tsukasa!"

"You've got a very suspicious mind, Soujiro" Shigeru reprimanded. "It could be Tsukasa's fallen for Sakurako. After all, she and Tsukushi have a lot in common. . . ."

"Are you out of your mind??" Akira almost yelled. "He can't remember Tsukushi so he goes for the next best thing? You've gotta be kidding me!"

"Well, she is way cuter. . . ." Soujiro reminded his friend.

"And she is a pretty decent lay. . . ." Akira remembered

"Hmm. . ." 

"Men!" Shigeru muttered, "Let's go find out shall we?" Distantly, in a far corner of her mind, she wondered if she really was the only woman on the planet selfless enough to love Tsukasa from afar instead of seizing this opportunity to tear him from the woman he truly loved. 

Reentering Doumyouji's hospital room, the trio now witnessed to a different scene. Sakurako was halfway across the room glaring at Tsukasa, who was now nursing a bright red cheek from where Sakurako had slapped him again before pulling free of his grasp.

"You bastard!" Sakurako was yelling, as tears welled in her eyes, "How could you do this to me now?! How could you do this to Tsukushi?!"

to be continued. . . .


	7. everyone hates hospitals

__

Indecision clouds my vision

No one listens

"Tsukushi, Tsukushi. . . blah blah blah!" Tsukasa muttered as the stinging in his cheek began to recede. "Do you have to keep bringing that woman up? How many times do I have to tell you, I don't know her? And from what little I've seen when she was hanging around, I wouldn't want to!"

Tsukasa swept his gaze around the room, taking in the looks of shock on his friends' faces. 

"Tsukasa. . . " Akira began

"What? Are you going to nag me again too? Sakurako already beat you to it."

"Umm. . . no actually. I was going to ask if you were feeling ok. . . You're bleeding again." Akira hesitantly pointed at Doumyouji's side, where, indeed, drops of crimson were once again beginning to show.

"I'll call the doctor." Soujiro slipped out of the room.

A nervous silence fell, as Doumyouji glanced down at his wound. It had been two weeks already, and, like his absent memory, the hole showed no sign of healing. Tsukasa managed to ignore it most of the time, as it was not in his nature to heed risks to himself, but even he had to admit. . . it was getting worrisome.

Sakurako glanced down at the floor. She felt obscurely guilty for this fresh damage, as if her vehemence in verbally assaulting Doumyouji had led to the muscle spasm or momentary tension that rent the half-healed flesh open anew. Frustrating as the man could be, she did not want him to die. Sakurako was not used to feeling guilty, and she hated it. 

"Tsukasa, I'm sorry," she murmured in a low voice meant only for Doumyouji's ears.

"What for?" He didn't bother to lower his voice similarly, "Fool woman, you didn't stab me. . . . did you? Or are you apologizing for hitting me? . . . If that's the case, then I'll accept your apology on one condition."

Sakurako was instantly on her guard. She wasn't sure she liked this sudden bantering tone in his voice.

"What might that be, dare I ask?" she inquired guardedly. 

In the background, Akira and Shigeru glanced at each other. They seemed to have been tuned completely out of their friends' sphere of attention. They'd only seen Tsukasa ever focused so intently on one person before. . . And Tsukushi was most manifestly Not present now. Seeing Tsukasa's dark eyes gazing so--hungrily-- at Sakurako wasn't just wrong. . . It was downright creepy, especially given its suddenness.

Akira raised an eyebrow, as if to question, "What do you make of this development?"

Shigeru replied with an infinitesimally small shrug, "Haven't the faintest."

Tsukasa smiled, as his eyes took on a calculating gleam. . . Sakurako looked so appealing when her guard was up. You could just see all traces of her fluffy-cute act dissolving away to reveal the layer of steel beneath. And if he pressed harder, he just knew that her innermost layer of vulnerability would be revealed. He didn't know why this was so important to him, only that it was. The undeniable fact was that he wanted this complex girl who stood before him now. And an echo of déjà vu deep inside told him that she wanted him too, despite her vehement denials. So, his lips twitched up conspiratorially as he rubbed his wounded cheek thoughtfully.

"Since I didn't get to enjoy it last time. I want another kiss."

Sakurako felt an outraged growl beginning deep in her throat. She was the one who normally got to dictate terms to her men. She did not like being ordered into intimacy, especially by this arrogant man who had once spurned her so coldly. But, she winced inwardly, she had hit him rather hard, and his resultant reflex twitch backwards could have worsened his wound. So, she guessed she owed it to him. And, unlike him, she was no blushing virgin. It was just a kiss.

It would be easier, however, if there wasn't a part of her deep down, that still really loved Doumyouji. Or if that part wasn't warring with the voice that told her such an act would be traitorous to her friendship with Tsukushi. 

Nevertheless, Sakurako stifled her growl, and moved back to Tsukasa's side. 

"This is the only one you get," she reminded him, "Don't take it as an invitation to assault me again."

Tsukasa merely smiled a small, but exceedingly satisfied smile as Sakurako leaned in and kissed him lingeringly on the lips. Sure, he was shamelessly using his status as an invalid. But what was the point of being confined to a hospital bed if you couldn't dream up perks like this? He didn't even seem to realize, how once he would have blushed at his own behavior; how there once was a time when he never even would have considered kissing a girl he wasn't utterly head-over-heels in love with. (And while his brain, (and other, lower, parts of him) told him now that Sakurako as fascinating, desirable, tantalizingly deep, none of these emotions quite reached the elevated status of Love.).

Meanwhile, Akira and Shigeru, feeling completely forgotten, retreated to the doorway. They weren't completely surprised that Sakurako, sex-fiend that she was, was putting so much dedication into fulfilling Tsukasa's condition. But still, it seemed a bit excessive. . . 

Soujiro chose that moment to return with a doctor in tow, and immediately burst out laughing. 

"What?!" Sakurako broke away from Tsukasa and demanded fiercely, "What the hell is so damned funny?"

". . . Nothing," Soujiro gasped, as he leaned over, still out of breath from laughing so hard, "It's just that I can't seem to walk into a room anymore without finding unexpected couples going at it. . . but please, go back to what you were doing—don't let me stop you."

Sakurako glared, and Tsukasa blushed as crimson as his recent blood loss would allow.

"Soujiro, behave!" Shigeru whispered, pulling him aside so that the doctor could enter.

"Why should I?" He teased, "They weren't."

"Hmm. . . " Shigeru mused. After all, she had to admit to feeling a twinge of jealousy as she had watched the two kiss. She loved Tsukasa too, though she had sworn to set aside her own feelings in deference for his happiness. But if Tsukushi had gone off with Rui, perhaps her oath didn't apply anymore? Maybe she should start misbehaving as well? It was something to consider.

Meanwhile, the doctor busied himself in poking at Doumyouji's injury. It truly was a mess. The underlying fascia kept ripping free of the sutures, and without that to keep the wound edges apposed, the skin above could not regenerate. And the longer it took to heal, the greater the chance for infection, or other complications. It was not a good situation.

"Mr. Doumyouji," He began, "You have got to take things easy. I'm confining you to your bed until further notice. And as for you, young lady," He turned to Sakurako, "Your boyfriend needs his rest. You can't encourage him to do anything that might cause him to strain himself too hard."

"That wasn't my intention." Sakurako said through gritted teeth.

"Good. Good. Well then, I'll leave you young folks be. And remember now, you mustn't let Mr. Doumyouji get upset, or do anything physically active.'

"Hey wait!" Tsukasa burst out, unable to keep silent anymore, "What the hell am I supposed to do?? When are you incompetents going to make me better? Isn't that your job? Instead, you just tell me to lie here and do nothing? What kind of bullshit is that? You better do something quickly, or the Doumyouji Corporation will no longer be contributing to this hospital's endowment!!"

"Now, now. . . What did I just tell you about not straining yourself? You must relax."

"Fuck this! I'm Not staying in this prison cell one second longer." Tsukasa began to struggle to sit up.

"Tsukasa you idiot! You're hurting yourself." Shigeru gasped and pointed to where his fresh bandage was beginning to show pink.

"Ah, Sir! Please stop!" The poor doctor was at his wits' end with this patient. It was hard enough trying to remain civil and polite around him. But what was he to do when the boy just wouldn't listen? Perhaps he should sedate the man?

"Maybe we should move him out of here?" Soujiro whispered to Akira. "Get him to go someplace quiet, relaxing. . . "

"Away from Umi." Sakurako added hastily, as she caught his whispered words.

"But what about his injury? Shouldn't he not be moved?" Shigeru joined the whispered discussion at the door, while Tsukasa and the doctor argued furiously in the background.

"I could get my family's private physician," Akira suggested, "but where could we go? If we want quiet, our houses aren't exactly the best places to be."

"Someplace that will help jog his memory." Sakurako opined. "He's really creeping me out, like this." 

"Erm," Soujiro paused, "We shouldn't really run off so hastily though, till we find Rui and Makino."

"Why not? What can we do even then?" Sakurako was disparaging, "I think Tsukasa needs his memory back before we can persuade Tsukushi to do anything."

"Hah." Akira mocked bitterly, "You just want more time to get Tsukasa all to yourself. You think you can fill Tsukushi's shoes as the beast tamer?"

"That's not true!" Sakurako was about ready to slap him. 

"I know where we can go." Shigeru had been tuning out the others as she thought, and she spoke slowly as inspiration finally hit.

"Hmm… well, spill it girl!" Soujiro encouraged.

"Hotsprings."

"Hotsprings?"

"Yes."

"Why? Aren't those for old geezers?" 

"Ah, but these should jog his memory, if nothing else can." Shigeru smiled sadly at the thought, but declined to elaborate on what she meant. "My family owns a retreat up in the mountains. It's quiet, and it has got plenty of space for the five of us, and the private doctor if you get him to come."

"Hmm. . ." Soujiro and Akira pondered the idea. "Would we get to bathe with you?" 

"If you think you're man enough." Shigeru replied archly, trying to brush aside her own memories of what happened last time she was at the retreat,

"Right." Sakurako hastily cut that conversation off, "We should see what Tsukasa thinks."

"And the doctor." Akira reminded.

"Who cares what he thinks? The man is useless." Once Sakurako made up her mind, she wasn't about to let little things like hospital policy or doctor's orders stand in her way.

And so it was that early that afternoon, the five friends found themselves relaxing in the backseats of two limos, driving up to the mountains. Akira and Soujiro had mandated that Tsukasa should not be left alone with Sakurako. Thus, Shigeru and their private physician accompanied the convalescent, while the playboys and a much-relieved Sakurako rode in the other vehicle. These three occupied their time continuing the search for Rui, though, with just their cellphones, they weren't making a great deal of progress. 

Eventually, they all arrived. Tsukasa immediately started bitching about the accommodations, and the fact that his friends still expected him to remain in bed most of the time. It was apparent that he didn't remember a thing about his previous visit here. Equally obvious, was the fact that he was going to be in a hellish mood as long as he was in pain. The long car ride had done nothing to ease either his headache or the pain in his side, and it was a great relief for all concerned when Doumyouji's private physician smugly produced a small bottle of Percocet and dosed Tsukasa into an oblivious stupor.

"Ah. . . ." Shigeru sighed, as she stretched exuberantly, "Now we can relax! Let's hit the springs while he sleeps. We can come back to the house for dinner. I bet Tsukasa will be awake by then! . . . come on, I'll race you boys!"

Indeed, the rest of the afternoon passed rapidly, and with many a ribald comment or ogling look exchanged, as the four friends shamelessly loitered in the springs. It was easier to flirt, and tease, and initiate water fights, than it was to think seriously about the threat to Tsukasa's life, or Tsukushi and Rui's vanishment. And so, the four acted like little kids alone in their private playground, until at last, the sun began to set. 

Dinner was a hushed affair. Tsukasa was listless, and irritated at having been drugged. Not that he could have joined in the water sports with an open wound just begging to be colonized by gods only know what bacteria, but still, he felt left out. 

And he hated being left out. 

Tsukasa contented himself with observing Sakurako out of the corner of his eye, whenever he thought she wasn't looking. She was lively and self possessed, as she relaxed amidst her friends. But even he could sense a heaviness weighing at her heart. Hell, the whole table seemed like it was drowning in depression. Though they all tried to act cheerful, everyone acted like something was missing. And no one would meet his eyes, or answer when he demanded where Rui was. Shouldn't the entire F4 be together? Why had Rui abandoned him at this critical time?

Tsukasa moped.

And he worried, more than he would ever let show, about the bloody hole eating at his side. It paralleled the cold hole in his heart, where vaguely he could still sense that something was missing. Though, this, he was convinced, could be filled by Sakurako. Too bad he didn't think she could equally heal the physical damage. 

The evening dragged on, as the five pretended, in a desultory way, to be having fun -- sitting around telling stories, playing cards, and drinking. They were fooling no one. Least of all themselves.

Eventually, Sakurako and Shigeru excused themselves and wandered off to go sleep. Tsukasa too, was forced back to bed by his worried companions. In the end, Soujiro and Akira were left to find solace in the warmth of the roaring fire they'd built in the hearth, and in the half-empty bottle of rum they were sharing.

Without extra girls to flirt with, they were horribly bored. But, even without having slept the night before, sleep would not easily come for either. They were just too worried about Tsukasa, and, though neither would admit it, for Tsukushi—the girl that had become almost like a little sister to them. 

The hours ticked by, the fire burnt down, night passed into day. At long last, they slipped into uneasy slumber as the sun began its fresh ascent above the eastern hills. 

To be continued. . . 


	8. inevitable mistakes

__

Because I'm somewhere in between

My love and my agony

The boys were right to worry about Tsukushi.

Admittedly, she was trying to pull herself out of her funk, but, honestly, it had been a pretty severe couple of weeks.

Just think, only three weeks ago, four at the utmost, she had been happily, if a bit confusedly, sitting at a baseball game with Doumyouji. A few days after that, she'd been wandering the streets of New York in a heartbroken daze. And then, like a vision of salvation, Tsukasa had reappeared in Japan. Still, if it hadn't been for Shigeru's hasty intervention and kidnapping of the couple, he might have left again right then. Perhaps Tsukasa had been correct that night on Shigeru's yacht, when he told Tsukushi she'd probably be happier with Rui than him. Certainly, Rui was less likely to occasion the emotional roller-coaster that Tsukasa inspired. Even after the star-crossed couple swore to stay together, and returned to Tokyo together, the fates could not let well enough alone, and Tsukushi's passionate high had come crashing down around her as she watched Tsukasa battle back from the brink of death. . .only to find that. . . he could not remember her. 

Does any one person deserve to endure such a wild couple of weeks? How many radical changes in your fortune can you withstand? It was almost as if the gods had decided to make of Tsukushi some kind of modern-day Job. 

And indeed, that described the situation well. Her question, the same as that old biblical figure's-- would she survive these tests? Would her faith endure? 

Ah, truly. And faith in What? In herself? In Tsukasa? In the Power of Love? 

What a joke.

------

Thoughts similar to these continued to swirl in Tsukushi's fevered brain long after she emerged from the springs with Rui. There came a point when even the angelic vision of Rui's countenance failed to distract her from her maudlin recollection, her internal rantings on the unfairness of it all. 

Honestly, it must be said that Rui had miscalculated badly in his choice of places to bring Tsukushi. After all, she was at her best when busy, and here, in a quiet secluded retreat, there was nothing for her to do, but sit and think. Even as her body stewed in the restoring waters of the springs, her mind stewed in its own despair. 

Rui should have known better. He should have found some place busy, some place distracting, where Tsukushi could exhaust her demons in a flurry of activity. Not here, where every need was instantly met, and every physical want catered to immediately. No, here all she could do was brood. 

Her one salvation, as it came to seem, in the course of that dreadfully long day, was Rui.

Tsukushi had sworn to herself that she would choose Rui. For real this time. And it was true, she needed him badly. Every time her thoughts wandered off on Doumyouji tangents, it was Rui's concerned face that wrenched her back to the present. Reading deep into his eyes, she could almost see a nirvana of comforting forgetfulness waiting for her. All she had to do was become his. 

As for Rui, he could not tear his eyes off Tsukushi for more than a second at a time. He couldn't help himself; in her weakened state, she was so very dependent on him, and so very desirable. Every parting of her lips, every glint of tears in her large eyes, called out to him to kiss her. If only she would stay focused in the present for more than a few minutes at a time!

---------

The afternoon passed slowly into night. Tsukushi and Rui dined quietly and companionably together in front of a blazing fire. The servants, under the semi-erroneous notion that the two teens were on a romantic retreat, tried to help further that atmosphere as much as possible, so dinner was a hushed affair by candle and fire-light. Afterwards, the servants faded unobtrusively to their own quarters, leaving Tsukushi and Rui alone again.

The two settled onto a couch to watch the flickering of the fire. Tsukushi was exhausted, even after so short a day, and stifled yawn after yawn, until, at last, Rui gave up on his dream of moving closer and cuddling her a bit.

"All right, let's get you to bed." He stood, and offered Tsukushi a hand up. She took it, and tiredly climbed to her feet. Even stumbling down the chilly hall to her room, Tsukushi's thoughts kept drifting predictably, and obsessively in one direction. She hardly even noticed climbing into bed, or the fact that Rui sat down next to her, until she was jolted back to reality by the warm pressure of his lips on hers.

"You were drifting again." He reminded gently, as she broke away.

"I'm sorry," She bowed her head, unable to meet the imagined reproach in his eyes.

"Hey, now! Didn't I tell you; you don't have to apologize to me! I hate all that stuff." Rui was stern.

"Sor. . . ah, damn." Tsukushi started to apologize again, but caught herself in mid syllable.

"Ah, you're learning!" Rui beamed, and unable to resist the temptation provided by Tsukushi's parted lips, leaned over to kiss her again.

"Hey! What was that for?" Tsukushi felt her cheeks beginning to color.

"I wanted to." This time, Rui stretched out a hand to cup Tsukushi's chin so that she couldn't look away from him. In response, she stared at him, almost hypnotized by the depths of his eyes. _If I stare deeply enough, will I lose myself in them?_ Tsukushi wondered, _Can I forget Tsukasa, the way he's forgotten me?_ If only it were that simple. 

In that moment, Tsukushi would have given almost anything to be able to forget Doumyouji, even if only for a few minutes, and so she was unable to prevent the whimper that fell, almost without conscious volition, from her lips.

"Help me to forget. . ."

Rui paused, as if trying to read the sincerity in her eyes. But all he could see writ therein was a sort of pleading desperation. And he was so tired of playing the saint. Gods, it was so difficult to restrain himself in the best of times, when all he wanted to do was love Tsukushi, and make her love him in return. Now here she was, looking utterly kissable in her fragile state. How could he possibly continue to hold back when she was virtually begging him for more? He couldn't. Not when he'd been dreaming of her all day, watching her, taking care of her, and constantly by her side. 

Slowly, he nodded, as Tsukushi stretched up to initiate a new round of contact, latching onto him as if her survival depended on it. Though he may have been driven by strong compulsions, Rui was in no hurry. He bent over Tsukushi, and gently, softly, but nonetheless insistently, kissed her quite thoroughly.

Tsukushi closed her eyes, as she let herself lose coherent thought; basking in the pure sensation of being kissed as she never had been before. Rui had been well taught by Shizuka while he was in France, of that there could be no doubt. It wasn't long before Rui allowed himself a little more leeway, and sprawled out next to Tsukushi, pulling them both down into the bed. While one hand still remained to cup Tsukushi's cheek, Rui let his other skim down her side, and around her back to pull her into his embrace. He had wanted Tsukushi for so long. And now—to have her melting against him like this—and she was definitely melting—it was almost as if fantasy had become real. If only he could put aside the unpleasant realities that had brought this situation about. And in his lustful daze, it was so very easy to forget reality.

Inside, Tsukushi quailed nervously. She knew that what she was doing now was wrong. But it felt so good. And she could no longer distinguish which was worse; the agony of knowing that with every second that this went on she was betraying not only Tsukasa, but herself—or the unbearable ache in her heart that Rui was distracting her from. 

__

No regrets! She silently steeled herself, _He's forgotten me. I will forget him! If this is what it takes. . . so be it_. She opened her eyes again, as Rui drew back a moment, only to see him smiling at her—that achingly beautiful smile that had always had the power to turn her knees to jelly and make her want to do anything for him. It did so now, as well, and so, despite her doubts, her fear, and her shy inhibitions, Tsukushi let Rui proceed.

Still, as his slender fingers caressed their way up her spine and unhooked her bra, Tsukushi could not bring herself to do more than tremble, and clutch, white-knuckled, at Rui's shirt. Kissing her again, and murmuring reassuringly in her ear, Rui gently disengaged her tense hands and moved them so that they circled his waist. Deftly unbuttoning Tsukushi's shirt, Rui let his hands explore the silken skin that lay beneath, even as his eyes devoured her. 

Tsukushi shuddered, as mingled waves of desire and terror washed through her, each melding into and amplifying the other. _Rui would never do anything to hurt me_. She desperately reassured herself while Rui's lips brushed across her sensitive skin. Anyway, it was far too late to turn back now. She felt herself losing all coherency in the flood of pleasure that built up inside as Rui played her body as skillfully as any violin. 

Unconsciously, she moaned as Rui, half-lying atop her now, rocked his pelvis against hers—letting her feel how much he wanted her, and making her want him too. Almost without conscious volition, Tsukushi's hands began to roam the broad surface of Rui's back. 

Rui knew he was damned. Damned from the very first time he kissed Tsukushi. He could not stop himself from what he was about to do, even if he had wanted to. It was an act as inescapable as death itself. He knew it was wrong, yet every nerve strummed by Tsukushi's hesitant fingertips sang that it felt so right, so natural to have undressed the woman he loved. To have her lying beneath him, eyes transfixed on his, as he too, surrendered his clothing, and led her into an act far, far older than civilization.

-------

Later, much later, they lay entangled in sleep. Rui curled almost protectively around the naked girl in his arms, his lips brushing her hair, even in repose. Though his face remained that of a resting angel, in his dreams the boy was haunted by guilt, and the knowledge that he had done a grievous harm to the girl-- no, the Woman-- that he loved. How could he claim to protect Tsukushi from the world now, when he couldn't even protect her from himself? 

As night fled from the coming dawn, Rui woke from his troubled dreams to the sound of Tsukushi's muffled sobs. 

To be continued. . . 


	9. calling in reinforcements

__

You see, I'm somewhere in between

My life is falling to pieces

"Tsu. . .Don't cry. Please. . don't. . " Rui whispered in heartbroken tones, as he gently stroked Tsukushi's hair.

It was barely dawn. The first few pales rays of the sun were striving to climb over the jagged mountainsides to illuminate the chilled land. Inside the Hanazawa onsen retreat, almost all were asleep, save for the two unhappy teens.

Tsukushi lay curled up on her side, back to Rui, as she tried to stifle a seemingly endless flow of tears.

"How could I have been so stupid?" Tsukushi was consumed by guilt, "I betrayed him." 

"Shh…" Rui crooned, as if soothing a wounded bird, or a skittish colt, "You didn't do anything wrong." No. It was he, himself, that was to blame. And he knew it. Tsukushi wasn't ready for this level of intimacy. Not by a long shot. Even more certainly, if she had been—it wouldn't have been him she would have chosen. That is, if she'd been in anything approaching a reasonable state of mind. He'd known better, really he had, but. . . It was too late now. 

If he could have, Rui would almost gladly have accepted Tsukushi's hatred for what they had done. Anything to keep her from hating herself the way she did now. But he could do nothing, except hold her and try to calm her, while his guilt at his own selfishness gnawed at his soul.

He had Tsukushi now. For all the good that would do either of them.

And still, Tsukushi sobbed inconsolably. How could she have been stupid enough to believe that she could forget Tsukasa? Now all she could think of was how badly he'd be hurt—if he could only remember her. . . That was always the catch. And so she cried for what might have been; what could have been; what should have been—replaced now, by an act that could never be undone.

There was no going back now. For any of them. 

Tsukushi cursed the weakness that had led her astray. The place in her heart that Rui always had had—the chink in her armor that only he knew how to find. Even Tsukasa had never managed to make her lose control so dramatically, or so thoroughly, (much as he had wished to). 

As much as for anything, she cried for her lost innocence. Truly, she couldn't blame Rui. How could it be his fault for being male? No, she knew what he felt for her, and it was entirely her fault for letting things come to this pass. Still, his hand on her head, his voice in her ear, only reminded her of how those hands, those lips, had led her to her betrayal of Tsukasa. 

She wanted to be alone for a while. But she could not bring herself to speak, to utter the cruel words that would send him from their bed. So, instead, she merely curled more tightly into herself and sniveled all the harder, the more he pled with her to listen to him.

In the end, Rui could take no more. He didn't know what to do. He understood Tsukushi—could almost read each thought coruscating through her brain as if she'd spoken aloud. But that didn't help tell him what to say, what to do to ease her misery. He needed help, desperately. Rui was no fool, though he may have been impulsive where Tsukushi was concerned. Tsukushi needed reassurance, support, friendship, from someone who wasn't him. Much as it hurt to think, Rui knew that right now, he was doing far more damage than good to the woman he loved. 

Unwillingly then, but knowing the necessity, Rui slipped out of bed into the chill morning air. Hastily pulling on his pants, he retreated down the hallway, leaving Tsukushi alone with her pain, her guilt and her tears.

-------

**RIIINNNNNNG**

Akira was startled from his uneasy slumber by the piercing tones of Soujiro's cellphone. Groggily, he fumbled for the source of the earsplitting noise, intending to pummel it to a pulp for disturbing him from his rest. Admittedly, it wasn't much of a rest he'd been getting, sprawled out as he was on a couch in front of a now cold fireplace where he'd crashed last night, too unenthused even to crawl back to his own bed. Worse, he'd not been able to fall asleep until almost five. It couldn't now be more than six, and between the lack of sleep and the excessive amount of alcohol he'd forced into his system last night, Akira was in no mood to have his eardrums assaulted by the ringing of the goddamned phone.

His questing fingers finally found the hated device, and without opening his eyes, Akira lifted the phone to his ear and answered the call with a disgusted growl.

"Do you know what fucking time it is? Call back when I'm awake. Asshole."

"Akira." It was not a question.

Akira's eyes snapped open, as all traces of sleep fled at the sound of Rui's flat voice.

"Rui! Where the fuck are you? We've been trying to find you all weekend. . . And why the hell are you calling at this hour? Why are you even awake?" He couldn't keep track of all the questions he wanted answers to, so they all just tumbled out at once.

"I need your help." Rui's voice was quiet, but held an almost pleading edge to it.

"Eh? What for?" Akira sat up and tried to focus more fully on the voice at the other end of the line. It would really help if he were less groggy. He shook his head a few times to clear the last remaining shreds of sleep from it, and in so doing abruptly remembered that he was angry with Rui. "And why should we help you anyway? Where's Makino? How is she?"

"That's what I need your help with." 

"Huh? Rui. . . What have you done?" Akira was suddenly very suspicious, as memories of how he'd seen the missing duo last flashed behind his eyes.

On the other end of the phone, a long silence ensued. . .

"Rui?. . . Hello? . . . Are you still there? Come on man, What the hell have you done? Talk to me!" Akira was frustrated with his friend's reticence.

"Ugh. . . What are you yelling about?" Soujiro, collapsed on an armchair across the room, raised bleary eyes at last. "Akira, who are you talking to?"

"Rui." Akira shrugged, "Come see if you can get some sense out of him. It's your phone, after all."

"Shit." Soujiro spat out the one word in disgust and stumbled over to take the cell from Akira, "Rui, what the fuck is going on?" He had no patience right now for games.

Finally, Rui sighed and answered sadly, "I need someone to talk to Tsukushi."

"Why the hell are you calling us? As I recall, you seemed quite happy to disappear with Makino all to yourself."

"I made a mistake." Rui's calm voice masked his inner turmoil, "Please. She won't stop crying. " Soujiro could almost hear Rui hanging his head as he started to explain.

"Rui! You asshole!" Soujiro summarized Rui's tale in three words.

"Aren't you the one who always said it was no big deal?"

"She's Tsukasa's girlfriend! You just don't do that!"

"It's a bit late for that now. Please, will you come?"

"Umm. . . "

"Have I ever asked you guys for a favor before? I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate. . . Please."

"For Makino, we'll come. Not for you." Soujiro sighed at last, still too pissed at Rui to agree to help him. "So where can we find you?"

-----

"So what the hell are we supposed to do, again?" Akira questioned as he started up a car. He and Soujiro had hastily washed and grabbed a quick breakfast before slipping out of the house. 

Soujiro merely shrugged helplessly. "Cheer her up? Don't ask me."

"Umm." Akira was thoughtful as he raced the car skillfully along the twisted mountain roads. "And Rui?"

"He should have known better!" Soujiro spoke angrily. Sure, he was the playboy of the group. But even he knew that you just don't go and steal your best friend's girlfriend while their back is turned. And to Soujiro, that was essentially what had happened. Tsukasa's memory loss had to be temporary. It was only a matter of time before he snapped out of it. Rui had to know it too, but what did he do, but take advantage of Makino's weakened emotional state? It wasn't right. 

"Do you think he planned it?" Akira, the practical one, was following his own train of thought.

"Huh?"

"Think for a sec. . . We're talking about Makino here. How the hell did Rui convince her to sleep with him? Remember how many times we've tried to get that girl to do something—Anything-- with Tsukasa? And Never-- Not once did we succeed. That girl has got to be the most repressed virgin I've ever met. But Rui essentially kidnaps her, and two days later they've had sex? It doesn't make any sense. Unless. . "

"Akira, you've got a suspicious little mind." 

"No, just common sense."

"Maybe you're right." Soujiro shook his head, "I really hope you're not, though." He would hate to think that Rui had consciously set up a situation in which Tsukushi's defenses would be weakened enough to allow him to manipulate her so skillfully.

"Yeah." Akira turned his attention back to the road.

"Have you ever seduced someone and had her cry about it afterwards?" Soujiro spoke up again.

"No." Akira instantly replied, then, "Well, not that I'm aware of, anyway." Besides, he usually only dated married women who pursued him. It was a different scene entirely. 

"Me neither." Soujiro rubbed his aching head, "Why do they act like it's such a big deal?"

"Makino's a freak." Akira replied dryly. As if that explained anything. 

"Telling her that will really cheer her up." Soujiro snorted sarcastically.

"Umm. . . We're not going to leave them alone again, are we?" 

"Hells no! You want Rui to try and vanish again? They're coming back with us."

"What about Tsukasa?"

"What about him?"

"What's he going to do when he finds out?"

"What does it matter? He's got amnesia. Besides, he seems to have developed a thing for Sakurako, remember?"

"Shit, yeah. Man, Makino's not going to like that."

Soujiro had no answer for that one. 

I was a strange disjointed kind of conversation, for a strange, disjointed couple of days. The two boys rarely had to utter complete thoughts, understanding each other so well as they did. Still each managed to convey their concerns, and the strange anger they felt at Rui. Sure, Rui had tried to steal Tsukushi from Tsukasa before. But never so successfully, and it wasn't right. Not when things between Tsukushi and Tsukasa had almost been about to go so well. 

The two boys had very firm ideas on the way things were supposed to be. It was perfectly fine to sleep with someone if they were in love with you, and you with them. Or if you both had no expectations of the other, and were only doing it for fun, that was ok too. But they strongly suspected that neither of those situations was the case here. They knew Tsukushi loved Tsukasa. Hell, everyone knew it. So what on earth was she doing Fucking Rui? It had to be his fault.

And it came as a surprise to no one that she was messed up over it.

So great, what were they supposed to do?

Tsukushi was almost like a little sister to the two boys. She had so easily slipped into their affections as the only outsider allowed to hang out with the F4 whenever she wanted to. She could always make them laugh at her ridiculously defiant attitude and at what they liked to call her 'commoner's quirks.' But still, they liked her for her caring heart, and innocent smile, and most especially, for her ability to tame Tsukasa. They wanted her to be happy. If she was truly in love with Rui, and happy with him, they mightn't have minded that. But that wasn't the case, and here they were now—just pulling into the drive leading to the Hanazawa retreat—on their mission of good cheer, still with no clear picture of just how they were to proceed.

Plainly, it was time to wing it.

As always, Soujiro had a 'clever' plan, which he outlined in the last minute of their drive.

Together, the two boys walked up to the heavy gates of the house. 

It was showtime.

To be continued. . .


	10. what did you say?

__

Somebody put me together.

Tsukushi eventually roused herself from her stupor enough to pull on a pair of pajamas, and settle more comfortably into bed. Even the cheerful sunlight that began its slow creep across her room failed to lighten her dark mood. At some point, a maid came by, bringing a breakfast tray—plainly sent by Rui. Still, this nourishment went untouched.

-----

"Hey Working Girl!" The door shot open, quite unexpectedly, without even a preliminary knock, causing Tsukushi to startle violently. She wasn't sure which was more shocking, the stridently cheerful tone of the speakers, or the totally unexpected appearance of Soujiro and Akira in this secluded place. She hadn't even time to recover from her initial shock, before the two boys entered the room and spoke again.

"Yo Makino!" Soujiro smiled cheerily, as he nonchalantly settled himself on the bed on Tsukushi's left. "Congratulations!"

"We're so proud." Akira interrupted, as he sat on Tsukushi's right, "Our little girl is finally a woman!"

"Wha.. . ?" Tsukushi could only gape in utter shock and embarrassment, as her expressive face flamed a particularly bloody shade of crimson. Swiveling her head from one grinning boy to the other, she simply could not find words for this situation. At last, she managed to pull herself together enough to glare weakly at Akira, and demand, "Wha. . . What are you doing here?"

"Visiting you!" Soujiro chirped from behind her.

"Duh." Akira couldn't resist emphasizing the obvious.

"But. . . but. . ." Tsukushi could only sputter in disbelief. This was soo embarrassing.

"So, . . . How was he?" Soujiro jumped straight to the point.

"Yeah, tell us. . . Did Shizuka break him in well? Come on, we've got money riding on it!" 

"I think you should have asked me instead." Soujiro took over the patter, "I could teach you so much more than Rui."

"Really, he could." Akira agreed, "If you need any pointers, Soujiro's the one you should talk to. Though, there's some tricks I know better than Soujiro, if I do say so myself."

Tsukushi couldn't decide whether to be horrified, embarrassed, amused, or some combination of the three, at the flow of words that passed over her head. She couldn't even stop to think about how the boys knew, why they were here, or who told them to come. It was all she could do to keep her fiery blush from burning her alive. Ah, but was it really worth fighting? Tsukushi let an unfamiliar sensation wash over her. It had been so long since she'd wanted to laugh that she could hardly remember what it felt like. . So she was totally unprepared for the bubble of laughter that rose in her throat as she gave up and shouted at the two boys, "Perverts! You can't just walk in here like that! What the hell is wrong with you? "

"Why not?" Akira blinked. He hadn't thought Soujiro's so-called plan would work_. "Be silly, make her laugh," he'd said, "or make her angry. She won't talk to us otherwise. She doesn't take us seriously anyway." "But we need to be serious too." Akira had protested. "After we distract her.. . we've got to play it just right, otherwise—you know her—she'll just clam up on us. . ." "You call that a plan? That's really half-assed," had been his assertion. But, apparently he'd been wrong. Huh. Oh well, now it was time to see if the rest of the conversation would go as planned. _

"Because. . . " Tsukushi stammered.. . ."This is serious." She looked back down at her hands. "I. . . umm. . I. . ." She still couldn't manage to say the words. Not that it mattered. They knew just what she'd done.

"We know." Akira reached out and took one of her hands, while Soujiro grabbed the other. "Why do you think we're here?"

"Rui called us."

"We were worried about you, you know."

"Rui. . . called you?" Tsukushi blinked in surprise.

"Umm.. . yeah." Akira acknowledged.

"Hey, who else is the guy going to ask for help?"

"This is so embarrassing" Tsukushi muttered again, mostly to herself.

"What's to be embarrassed about?" Soujiro asked, "Were you really that bad? Perhaps you'd like a second opinion?"

"Pervert!"

"No, I'm serious. . . well. . sort of.. . " Soujiro paused, "Look, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with sex. I personally think it's a lot of fun. Right, Akira?"

"Yeah!" 

"So, was it that bad?"

"Umm. .."

"It felt good, right?" Soujiro persisted, despite Tsukushi's furious blushing.

". . . yeah. . " Tsukushi admitted finally in a very small voice.

"Good. Are you sore?"

"What?!" Tsukushi couldn't believe she was having this conversation. "You're missing the point!"

"What was the point again?" Soujiro turned to Akira.

"Tsukasa." The name had to be said eventually.

"Of course!" 

"I betrayed him." Tsukushi muttered, looking like she was about to start crying again.

"Oh come on! It's not that bad!" Akira cajoled, "My last three girlfriends were married, it's not that big a deal."

"Maybe not for you." Tsukushi's tone was dark. "But it meant so much to him. . . to me. . .to us. . ."

"Look at it this way, " Soujiro tried to be helpful, "It's pretty pathetic when two virgins are fumbling around for the first time. I mean really, it's so much better if at least one of you knows what they're doing. So think of this more as a present for when Tsukasa regains his memory. Practice on Rui now, and later, you can teach Tsukasa." Almost as an afterthought, he added, "I'm sure that boy needs all the help he can get!"

"Or, if you want, We'll help you practice, instead." Akira wiggled an eyebrow suggestively 

"You two are impossible!" Tsukushi spluttered. But she had to admit, she was feeling less depressed. Now, she merely wanted to kill somebody. These two jokers would do fine. How could they just sit there so calmly and discuss her suddenly extant sex life like it was no big deal? They knew what it meant to her! But here they were blithely ignoring everything in favor of juvenile innuendo. At least they weren't casting blame, though. She would almost have expected them to be wearing the expressions of shock and dismay that she'd last seen them with, what seemed an eternity ago, when they'd walked in on her and Rui in her apartment. Little did Tsukushi know that they were saving their disapproval and castigation for Rui—who, as the experienced one. . .should have known better.

"No," Akira looked thoughtful, "We're, well, I'm merely practical."

"What's done is done. You may as well make the best of. it" Soujiro interrupted.

"And speaking of which. . . "

"We have a serious question. . "

"So please listen. . ."

"Because it's important. . ."

"Umm. . . ?" Tsukushi was unprepared for this sudden shift into gravity, as Akira, still holding onto her hand turned to look into her eyes, and asked her a question she'd never expected to be asked by this pair of men.

"Tsukushi. Was Rui wearing a condom?"

"What!?!" Tsukushi screeched. Breaking her eyes away from Akira's gaze, she appealed mutely to Soujiro, as if to ask if the other boy was serious.

"You heard him." Soujiro replied levelly, "Come on, girl. It's important. Unless you're on birth control?" he asked like he expected a negative reply to that question. Tsukushi was too damned innocent to think of such things. But as experienced playboys, Soujiro and Akira knew the critical importance of certain precautions Hell, with their money and family stature, the last thing they needed was to face the scandal of paternity suits. Presumably, Rui was equally clueful, but they wanted to make sure. And, also to try to impart a bit of awareness to Tsukushi. After all, someone had to, and they doubted anyone else was up to the task of educating the girl. 

Tsukushi was struck by the boys' solemn tones and grave eyes. Obediently, she thought back to last night's events, though the tide of embarrassment once more colored her cheeks pink and she averted her eyes once more from the intense stares of the men surrounding her. _Damnit, she'd been trying to forget what had happened, and now they were making her focus on it? Gah!_

Eventually, she raised her eyes back up to meet Akira's gaze, and gave a tight little nod.

"Are you sure?" 

"What?! Why don't you just ask him if you don't trust me? I can't believe you guys!" As if it wasn't humiliating enough being quizzed about such intimate details by these two—now they had to doubt her memory as well?

"Hey, calm down." Akira raised his hands defensively, "We had to make sure. You're the one who needs to worry about it!" Over Tsukushi's head, he added to Soujiro, "Told you so—That boy was prepared!" It only fueled his theory that Rui had intentionally (whether consciously or subconsciously) meant for this to happen.

Soujiro merely shrugged, unconvinced, and smiled back down at Tsukushi. "Well then, everything should be ok, no permanent damage done."

"No permanent damage!?!" Tsukushi shrilled, dumbfounded.

"One little useless social construct." Soujiro amended with a shrug. "Come on, you're feeling better now, right?"

Tsukushi nodded slowly, "A little."

"Good." Akira grinned, "That means it's time to get your stuff packed."

"Packed? Where are we going?"

"Back to Shigeru's."

"Huh?"

"Everyone's there."

"Everyone?" Tsukushi stammered, panicked at the thought.

"Yup!" Soujiro continued, obliviously, "It's getting pretty crazy. . ." he declined to elaborate, however. Really, Tsukushi would find out about Tsukasa's newfound crush on Sakurako soon enough anyway.

"I'm not going." Tsukushi balked.

"Yes. You are." Akira stood and pulled her to her feet. "Now, what do you want to wear?" He turned where Soujiro was already digging through her clothes. . .

Tsukushi couldn't help but smile as the two boys ordered her around with practical efficiency. She couldn't imagine what she would have done without friends like these. Sure, they were utterly insane by her standards, but right now, a dose of their blithe insanity was just what she needed. Impulsively, she hugged each of them, as the three prepared to leave. 

"Thanks, you guys." She murmured, as Akira took her arm and led her from her room.

"Our pleasure." Soujiro ruffled her hair affectionately, and went off to scare up Rui from wherever that boy had hidden himself. No doubt he and Akira were going to have a long chat with Rui later today, but right now it was time to rejoin the others at Shigeru's retreat.

It was going to be a fascinating weekend. Of that there could be no doubt.

Soujiro almost couldn't wait to watch the fireworks begin.

To be continued.


	11. all together now

Soujiro insisted on driving on the way back to Shigeru's retreat. Much to Tsukushi's horror, the boy drove much the way he lived his life. At a seemingly reckless pace, he careened around dangerous curves and raced at breakneck speed down narrow mountain roads. In reality, he was a very skilled driver; always in control, always calm, spinning the steering wheel with practiced ease. He never took any risks he couldn't handle.

Nevertheless, sandwiched in the backseat between Akira and Rui, Tsukushi felt her stomach flipping over with each hairpin turn they executed. Nervously, she gripped the seat, until her knuckles grew white with tension. She was convinced they all were about to die, at the hands of this road-rage-driven maniac. Rui and Akira, long since grown used to Soujiro's particular driving style, just grit their teeth and endured the nausea-inducing ride. Actually, Akira fell asleep—he was that tired still, from the past few days. 

"It helps if you close your eyes." Rui leaned over Tsukushi and whispered in her ear, as he gently pried her clawed hands way from their death grip on the seat in front of her, and enfolded them in his own slender palms.

Obediently, Tsukushi squinched her eyes shut, and concentrated on not thinking about her imminent demise as pieces of flattened roadkill. Even now, when her emotions were all in upset because of him, Rui still had the power to calm her, and sooth her jangled nerves, as his cool hands embraced hers. Slowly, she relaxed, leaning into his shoulder, lulled by his gentle caresses and soft murmurs in her ear, into a sort of hypnotized daze. 

Watching in the rear view mirror, Soujiro shook his head and gave a wry snort when he saw Tsukushi fall asleep on Rui's shoulder.

"How does she do that?" He directed his comment to Rui.

"Do what?"

"Go from miserable wreck to falling asleep like that."

Rui shrugged slightly, "Sleep is a better option than watching your driving." 

"I'm a perfect driver," Soujiro replied, viciously slamming the car through another 170 degree turn, "You just don't appreciate my style."

"Nor you, mine." Rui replied, unperturbed.

"No. I don't." Soujiro knew just what Rui was referring to, "What were you thinking?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, of course it does. Why did you have to steal Tsukasa's girl?"

"I love her. He doesn't." 

"Well, if he wasn't busy being all amnesiac, he'd disagree with that." Soujiro refused to be swayed, "Besides, what about her feelings?"

"It's my fault," Tsukushi murmured unexpectedly. She hadn't really been asleep after all, "Why are you so upset at Rui? . . I led him on. . . I just wanted to forget. . ." she sighed, "I just need more time. . ."

"You two are completely insane." Soujiro scowled, flinging the car into its final turn before Shigeru's estate. "Are you sure you're not bipolar, Makino? Anyway, we're here."

-----

Doumyouji woke once again to the dull throbbing in his side. This was definitely getting tedious. Flopping his head back down on his pillow, he tried, unsuccessfully, to re-immerse himself in the dream he'd been having just moments before. Someone was yelling at him, in a voice so elusively familiar that, at any moment, he expected to be struck by a bolt of recognition. Yet always, he was awoken too soon. And thus, this moment of comprehension, so familiarly elusive, slipped away again.

"Ugh." Unwillingly, Doumyouji opened his weary eyes, only to immediately squint them shut against the glare of the blinding sunlight that glared through his room. "Who the hell opened the blinds in here?"

"Time to wake up, sleepy head," Shigeru's relentlessly cheerful voice sounded at the doorway. "How are you feeling today?"

"Like shit." Doumyouji grunted irately.

"But it's such a beautiful day out! Look at that sunshine!" Shigeru chirped, "I'm going jogging. I'd invite you to join me, but the doctor says you can't. . .So I brought you breakfast instead! Now eat up, and I'll go send Akira and Soujiro into entertain you." She smiled sunnily, and bounded off. How could one not be simply filled with energy on a day such as today?

Doumyouji shook his head, and scowled at the tray she'd left him. She could at least have stayed to eat with him. It was very lonely being confined to bed like this. Everyone else was so busy doing their own thing, that no one really had time for him. He was abandoned by everyone. Almost forgotten at times, it seemed. The F4 should all be here with him, but Rui had vanished—no one would say where, and Soujiro and Akira seemed preoccupied with something. And what that was, they wouldn't tell him, either. Tsukasa felt completely left out of the group secret. 

Morosely, he poked at his food. Well, at least Shigeru had thought to bring him something to eat. Though he would have rather stayed asleep instead. And speaking of which. . . She'd said that she'd send in Akira and Soujiro. Where were they? They were so damned slow sometimes. Hell, they'd probably forgotten him again as they immersed themselves in . . . whatever it was they were up to.

And where was Sakurako? Doumyouji could've almost sworn that girl was avoiding him. OK, so maybe he'd forced her to kiss him. So what? Soujiro had made it plain in a number of his jokes that she was no prude. And she hadn't really seemed to mind at the time—well, ok, except for that slap—but still. . the second kiss had been very enjoyable. Tsukasa smiled slightly at the memory. It had almost been worth it. So why was she avoiding him now? She seemed more the screaming type than the sulking one. And even the screaming had almost brought some memories bubbling to the surface. Perhaps if he could provoke her more—something would finally jog loose? At any rate, it was worth a shot, and in the worst case he'd get to spend time with the cute little girl. How could that be a bad thing?

Now, he just had get her in here.

-------

Sakurako was sitting in front of her mirror brushing out her hair, and admiring the way it shimmered in the warm morning sunlight, when Shigeru burst in.

"Hey, want to go jogging?" Shigeru fairly bounced with vitality, but Sakurako only shrugged languidly.

"And work up a sweat? I'd rather not."

"Oh come on! You can't ask for a more perfect day!"

"Then you'd better not waste it." Sakurako hinted sourly.

"Is it just me or is everyone in a bad mood today, except me?" Shigeru wondered, almost to herself. "Fine then, guess I'll go by myself. . . Hey have you seen the guys this morning? I can't find them, and I told Tsukasa I'd send them in to him. . ."

"Nope." Sakurako shook her head, "They couldn't have wandered off far, though. . . I'll go take a look around in a bit."

"Oh will you? Thanks a ton!" Shigeru smiled again, and took off, eager to be out in the fresh air.

Sakurako turned back to her mirror, and continued her brushing absentmindedly, as she went back to the disturbing thoughts that had awoken her from her beauty sleep in the first place.

She'd started thinking last night, wondering why it was that Doumyouji's newfound interest in her hadn't made her happy, and the conclusions she'd drawn were not at all what she'd expected. 

There had been a time when she would have been elated by his kiss. And she would not have hesitated to take full advantage of the opportunity provided to seduce him, lure him to her, possess him the way she had always wanted to.

But not any longer.

At first, she had supposed that she might have been picking up weird attitudes from Tsukushi. Strange opinions on how you can and cannot interact with others. Prudishness, or shyness—call it what you will. Maybe she'd been unduly influenced by these virgins who thought it uncouth, or morally wrong, to sleep with one you didn't love… she could have possibly accepted that—except—she loved Tsukasa, didn't she?

That was when her suppositions really started to upset her. Even now, as she savagely yanked the comb through her shiny tresses, she could not come to terms with the truth that her mind had unearthed for her.

Sakurako remembered the Tsukasa she had first known. The passionate boy, who didn't hesitate to plunge into any battle—who wasn't afraid to take what he wanted, say what he meant. She'd fallen in love with that headstrong, impulsive, wild boy. And he'd grown up to be that same force of nature as an adult. A reckless creature who stormed through Eitoku like a hurricane – heedless of those he left wounded in his wake. She'd loved that untameably fierce beast, admired the simple fires that poured through his veins, the pain that made him so strong. She'd not been afraid of his words anymore, nor of his strength—they had called her, drawn her back to him, again and again, despite his blatant disregard for her feelings, or her love.

But he'd changed.

Tsukushi had mellowed him. No longer was he an elemental creature, boundless in strength and heedless of the needs of those around. No, he'd softened, learned to listen to others, began to stop and think before acting. Hell, he actually went out of his way to be kind to Tsukushi's friends. Sure, in some ways it was admirable, but it wasn't the same. He just wasn't the unstoppable force she'd idolized, worshipped, shaped her life around.

It was quite a disappointment.

Sakurako felt let down. Now Doumyouji seemed more like an average guy. A bit dense, a bit clueless at times, but basically a normal, if excessively rich, boy. She could find herself a dozen of those before lunch time Hell, she could seduce half that number by dinner. What was the point? No, she didn't want Tsukasa anymore. Not if he was like that. Tsukushi had ruined him.

Sakurako sighed, and set her brush aside. She wondered if she should seduce him anyway, just to say that she'd achieved that ancient goal of hers? Sure, on one level, she knew she shouldn't—even if Tsukushi didn't care anymore, (and even that was a dubious supposition), Shigeru was still in love with Doumyouji, and she was Sakurako's friend too. She'd probably be upset if Sakurako went after him, and might even decide that that action nullified their unspoken pact to leave him be for Tsukushi's sake. But on another level, it would certainly give her a measure of completion—and after all, he was the aggressor here—he wanted her! 

She peered in her mirror. Damn it, all this worry was making her face sag. Hastily, Sakurako applied a few subtle hints of makeup. That was much better. Now, should she see to Doumyouji first, or go look for the guys instead?

-------

Doumyouji got tired of waiting for someone—anyone, to remember his existence. Grunting at the stiffness and ache in his side, he levered himself out of bed, and wandered the vacant-seeming house. He found no one but the servants, and tiring quickly, settled into a luxurious chair in front of the now-cold fireplace in the common room. 

Sakurako found him here a few minutes later, as she reentered the house.

"Damn those idiots!" she cursed, in a most unladylike fashion, "Where the hell did they go?"

"What?" Doumyouji looked up curiously.

"Nishikado and Mimasaka!" Sakurako exploded, "I can't find them anywhere! And one of the cars is missing!"

"They left?"

"Well it would appear so. Bastards should have told us before they took off! And where the hell did they go anyway! They can't just leave like that!" Sakurako was truly pissed. She did not want to be left here with just Tsukasa and Shigeru for company. Things would get uncomfortable around here pretty damned fast in that scenario. Of that, she had no doubt.

"Now, now. You shouldn't speak so ill of us." A teasing voice spoke from the doorway, as Soujiro sauntered in.

"Especially when we've been up since six. . . ." Akira appeared, and posed in the door, leaning his elbow nonchalantly on Soujiro's shoulder.

". . . .Working so hard for the good of all mankind." Soujiro continued dramatically.

"Or at least, doing our bit for the mental heath of absent friends."

"Or not so absent any longer, as the case may be." Soujiro finished, and the two boys moved aside to let Rui enter, towing a reluctant Tsukushi behind him.

To be continued. . . 


	12. even Sakurako can be cool

"Rui! Where have you been hiding?" Doumyouji exclaimed petulantly as his errant friend entered the room. Nevertheless, he perked up at the sight of the slender boy. Finally, the F4 was all together. ". .. And I see you brought your girlfriend with you." Still, he refused to heed the words Everyone had tried to convince him of—that the pale girl clutching Rui's hand had once been the love of his life.

"Yes, I did." Rui was unperturbed. He hardly even heeded the icy glare Sakurako was shooting Tsukushi—a glare which only intensified as the other girl refused to contradict this assertion.

"Well, good for you!" Tsukasa remained cheerfully oblivious to the byplay going on around him. Sakurako had just opened her mouth to direct some cutting remark at Tsukushi, only to be hurriedly shushed by a frantically gesticulating Akira. "Though, I still don't see how you could give up Shizuka for such a plain girl."

Eyes rolled in skulls around the room.

Actually, Tsukushi had to admit to herself, that Doumyouji's continued insensitivity, and obliviousness to the tensions around him did serve as a welcome distraction. In fact, it would be so easy to slip into a familiar dynamic, letting a wave of cleansing anger sweep the lingering uncertainties and depression from her mind. She was sick of being unhappy, sick of feeling sorry for herself, sick of acting like an idiot all the time. The least she could do was release some of the stored up tension in a ball of red-hot fury at the snottily snide comments Doumyouji was making at her expense. Not to mention the fact that he was acting like she wasn't really there at all. . . She could feel her pulse speed as she focused on this highly irritating behavior. . . 

"You. . ." She stepped out from behind Rui to jab a tremblingly furious finger in Doumyouji's direction, "You don't get the right to say anything! You stupid, insensitive idiot! Just because you're sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, doesn't give you the right to criticize. And what do you mean by acting like I'm not even in the room? Didn't anyone ever teach you better manners than that? If you want to forget me, then fine, that's your choice. But you don't get to pretend I don't exist. Asshole." Her face was flushed with indignation as she finished. God, it felt good to yell, to flush the bad vibes from her soul in one long lungful of indignation. 

"Way to tell it, Makino." Akira clapped slowly in the resounding silence that followed.

"Oh. Right." Sakurako crossed her arms and sneered sarcastically, "We're all one big happy family now. Tsukushi, you want to tell us what you and your 'boyfriend' there have been up to?" 

"Sakurako, stop being such a bitch." This time it was Soujiro who spoke, after another meaningful exchange of glances with Akira. "Why don't you go show Tsukushi her room?" The two boys knew, Tsukushi being who she was, that Sakurako's prodding would just result in more blushes and uncomfortable silences, especially, if Tsukushi was forced to admit her recent activities in Tsukasa's presence. Best to let the two girls have it out and settle their differences in private. 

Sakurako sniffed disparagingly at Soujiro. "Fine then, have it your way. Come on Tsukushi, let's go have a little talk, shall we?" 

Tsukushi nodded stiffly, and reluctantly released Rui's hand. There was no way she was going to let Sakurako upset her. That girl had no right. Nevertheless, as Sakurako led her down the hallway, Tsukushi felt a measure of her previous depression settle back upon her. Doumyouji not only still didn't remember her, but he refused to treat her like a real person, as well. Well then, maybe she had made the right choice after all, in throwing her lot in with Rui? She didn't know. She just wished it didn't feel so much like betrayal still. 

Everyone had been avoiding Tsukasa's eyes after Tsukushi's little outburst, and Doumyouji was getting rather upset. He had missed the first couple of silent exchanges, but now, he was sure there was something going on here, some unspoken secret which everyone was a part of except him. He could tell by the vehement way Soujiro shut Sakurako up, by the haste they made to push the girls out of the room. . . And what was up with that Makino chick anyway? When she'd yelled at him, he'd almost felt something stir deep inside. It was eerily similar to the feeling he'd had when Sakurako had burst in on him at the hospital and begun furiously berating him. . . And her face. . . somehow, despite its plainness, when she'd blushed with anger, it had seemed to glow. . . almost even seemed somehow attractive. . .He couldn't explain it. . Maybe he just liked violent girls? What a thing to forget! If he hadn't been so frustrated, he would have laughed. Instead, he turned to Rui, and growled, 

"What a loudmouth. I can't believe you actually like a chick like that. She's nothing like Shizuka."

"No, she's not." Rui agreed, with a faint smile. 

"So, what the fuck?" Tsukasa, having lost all memories closely associated with Tsukushi, couldn't recall how Shizuka had left Japan for good, how Rui had turned to Tsukushi for comfort, how one step led inexorably to the next. . . "What happened?"

Rui shrugged. "What do you remember?"

"Aww, give it up man. It's useless." Soujiro cut in. "Tsukasa, have you ever considered that you're going to remain a virgin forever if you can't learn to control your mouth around the ladies? I mean, really, now even Rui knows how to charm a woman.. . " Soujiro shut up with a stifled yelp of pain, as Akira elbowed him sharply in the side. 

Tsukasa flushed angrily. Why did Soujiro always have to taunt him about that? He wished he could remember if it was really true or not. . . "I could get a girlfriend anytime I wanted to!" He proclaimed hotly, "I just haven't found the right woman!"

"Riiiight. . ." Soujiro remained skeptical. . "I'd like to see you try. . . "

"Fine then! I'll prove it!" Doumyouji never could resist a challenge.

"You can't have Tsukushi." Rui, now sprawled across a couch, spoke up quietly.

"Who says I'd want an annoying girl like her?"

"Whatever." Rui shrugged, "But remember. She's my girlfriend. You should go after Shigeru. She likes you."

"You don't tell me what to do!" Doumyouji looked pissed off. And why did Rui think he'd actually go after his plain girlfriend? And why was Akira glancing around the room at his friends like they were collectively insane? 

In fact, Akira was wondering just what the hell Soujiro was thinking, taunting Tsukasa like that, inciting him to god only knows what behavior. Leaning over to whisper in his ear, he asked Soujiro as much.

Soujiro smiled secretively, and whispered back, "What's the worst that can happen?"

"He could end up with Sakurako." Akira shuddered.

"Why not? She's violent too. A perfect couple."

. . . But.. . "

". . . Besides, if he sleeps with Sakurako, then Tsukushi won't feel so bad about Rui, right?"

"Umm. . ." Akira tried to find fault with Soujiro's logic.

"And, it'll be good for him.. . " Soujiro continued confidently

"What are you two whispering about over there?" Doumyouji exclaimed peevishly. They were ignoring him again.

"Oh nothing." Soujiro smiled as innocently as he could. Which is to say, not very. More like a Cheshire cat overly pleased with his own clever schemes.

". . .Nothing at all." Akira nodded in agreement. Nothing to see here. Nope. Not. A. Thing.

Doumyouji frowned skeptically, and even Rui looked vaguely interested, but further questioning was interrupted by the Shigeru bursting through the door like an out-of-control whirlwind.

"Whew, that was a good run! Hey guys, you're up! Rui, When'd you get here? Is Tsukushi with you? Where've you been? How is she?. . . "

"Whoa, there! Slow down!" Akira pled desperately with the short-haired girl.

"Sorry. . " Shigeru took a deep breath, and tried to pace herself. "What's been going on in here?"

"Oh nothing." Soujiro answered casually, glancing at Tsukasa out of the corner of his eye as he did so. "We found Rui. . . well, sort of.. ." 

"I can see that." Shigeru rolled her eyes, "Where's Tsukushi?"

"Why is everyone fixated on that stupid girl?" Tsukasa grumbled from his chair. Again he was left out of the discussion, simply by dint of her being a stranger to him.

"Who are you calling stupid? . . . You Moron." Sakurako and Tsukushi had returned. The conversation they'd had while finding a room for Tsukushi and Rui had been quite enlightening. . . 

-----

"How could you have abandoned Tsukasa like that!" Sakurako had exclaimed, as soon as they'd left the boys behind. "We were counting on you to make him remember!"

Tsukushi, refusing to let herself fall apart anymore, especially in front of Sakurako, replied simply, "He doesn't want to remember me. I don't have to deal with him. Rui has always been there for me." It was the truth, sort of. She could almost believe it was that simple, if she could just forget her breakdown, the emotional collapse, and all of its consequences.

"But you love Doumyouji!" Sakurako protested vehemently, "How can you just give up on that?"

"Same way you did." Tsukushi bit her lip, and refused to think of her ultimate betrayal. "He's obviously happier without me."

"That's not true!" Sakurako looked like she was the one who was about to start crying, "Did you look closely! He's lost. He's confused! He's lonely! He wants to remember!"

"Why don't you go cheer him up, then?" Tsukushi threw back.

"Because. . . I don't love him anymore!" Sakurako admitted in a defeated tone, as she slumped back against the wall behind her.

Tsukushi almost spoke reflexively, demanding 'When has that ever stopped you?' However, the meaning of Sakurako's words hit her brain just in time, and she bit down upon what she'd been about to say. Instead, her eyes widened in surprised, in time for Sakurako's next hushed admission.

"I kissed him. Tsukushi. He wanted me to. . . and it wasn't the same. Wasn't what I thought I wanted. You changed him. And. . I don't love what he has become.: . . Don't you see? You're the only one who's right for him."

"But. . . . He kissed you?" Tsukushi would have reeled in shock if she wasn't suffering such severe emotional burnout, already.

"You're missing the point."

"No, No. . . I'm not. . ." Tsukushi was remembering all the times when Doumyouji had insisted that he could only kiss a girl he really liked.. . That means. . either he really likes Sakurako. . . or. . he's changed more than we know. . . She felt a twinge of jealousy, . . . . or was it merely concern for Doumyouji's mental status?

Now Sakurako was the one to look at the other girl with widened eyes. "Are you listening to me at all? Why won't you help him remember?"

"I can't." Tsukushi looked away, pushing aside the rising tide of jealousy she felt at Sakurako's newfound favor with Tsukasa. .. . "And if I did. . he'd hate me forever. . ."

"Explain." Sakurako demanded intently. The tone of her voice brooked no denial.

". . . I ummm… well.. umm.. Rui. . ." Tsukushi blushed furiously.

"Come on then, girl. Spit it out!" 

"IsleptwithHanazawaRui!" Tsukushi admitted in a frantic rush of breath. 

"I thought so." Sakurako took Tsukushi's flustered pronouncement completely in stride.

"Eh?!" Tsukushi assumed a stricken expression.

"Oh come on!" Sakurako almost laughed at the expression on Tsukushi's face, "It's totally obvious from the way Rui was watching you, back there. Something happened. Not to mention the way the guys were being all overprotective of you. I've never seen them act like that before, Wouldn't have thought that wolves like that were capable of it.. . But really, Tsukushi. It's just sex. Do you love him?"

Tsukushi was completely flummoxed. Sakurako, of all people, was giving her a lecture on love. It was really too much.. "You sound like the boys did." She stammered.

"Of course." Sakurako sniffed. "We know what we're talking about. So, why'd you do it? Do you love him? Or do you love Doumyouji?"

"Why does it matter to you?" Tsukushi was sick of being quizzed. And, she didn't want to think too hard about the answers to any of those questions right now.

"Because, you idiot. You look like shit." Sakurako finally explained in frustration. "Tsukushi-sempai, as your junior, I shouldn't be the one to have to tell you this, but. . . Whatever you're doing to yourself here, it's tearing you apart. You need to sit down and think about what you're doing. Not only to yourself, but to Rui and Tsukasa as well." Yes, even Sakurako was capable of a moment of maturity. "So think about it. I'll forgive you for cheating on Doumyouji, for now. But you'd better figure out what you want soon, or else. . . " She cracked her knuckles menacingly, as if pondering suitable punishments for Tsukushi's thick-headedness. 

Tsukushi sighed. She hated to admit that Sakurako could be right about anything. .. but. . .

" . . . Anyway," Sakurako continued, "The house is a bit crowded right now, so you're going to have to share a room. I'm assuming you and Rui don't mind sharing." She finished with only a minimum of rancor.

Tsukushi nodded jerkily, as she realized the room Sakurako was indicating, was the exact same room she and Rui had shared during their previous visit to this place. . .

That trip had ended poorly. This one began poorly. Perhaps the two would cancel each other out and pave the way for a brighter tomorrow?

It was probably too much to hope for.

Walking back to the common room where the boys waited, Sakurako, her ire momentarily stilled, caught Tsukushi up on the events of the past few days. She even managed to make Tsukushi laugh as she described how she threw Umi bodily from Doumyouji's hospital room, and how yesterday, she'd caught Akira trying to flirt with Shigeru while they bathed in the springs—and how Shigeru had laughingly put the boy in his place with just a few pointed comments. . . 

It seemed that Tsukushi's friends didn't hate her as much as she'd thought. In fact, they all seemed willing to forgive her mistakes. .. . She could almost convince herself everything would be ok. . . If only she could forgive herself as well. . 

To be continued.


	13. collective unrest

Somehow, morning passed into early afternoon without any major emotional crises. Nevertheless, despite her earlier vow to just bloody well deal with her rampaging emotions, Tsukushi kept finding herself slipping into melancholy. 

Akira and Soujiro tried to cheer her up, of course, and even Shigeru, once she'd been subtly clued in, did her best to provide distraction. Still, Tsukushi remained glum, as she pondered Sakurako's words of advice. _I thought I knew what I really wanted. What would be for the best. Was I wrong? I don't feel like I've been making good decisions recently. Argh! Why did I have to go and. Screw up so completely?_

And nothing could disguise the tense atmosphere as the seven teens sat around engaged in desultory conversation. Rui, with seeming unconcern for the pointed glances directed his way, sat close to Tsukushi, and amused himself by playing with her hair. Every so often, he'd hold up a mirror he'd found somewhere, so Tsukushi could see what dashing new shapes he'd knotted her brown tresses into. She'd laugh, as she was meant to, and he'd smile slightly at this sign of life, untie her hair and start anew. 

The other five, with the exception of the petulantly oblivious Tsukasa, would watch this strange activity from the corner of their eyes and wonder what Rui and Tsukushi were thinking behind those calm masks both currently wore. Neither look meshed well with the tortured-sounding voice that had woken Akira early that morning, or the traumatized girl the guys had eventually made to laugh. But it was no use trying to draw either out of their shell now. Rui never opened up in company, and honestly, he didn't care what shit they thought or said about him. All that mattered was Tsukushi, and finding a way to reassure her, calm her, make her happy. They needed to talk, that he knew. But it would have to wait until they could get time alone again. And at this moment, their friends seemed determined to make sure that didn't happen. Really, Rui didn't understand why. It was as if they blamed him for some unspeakable crime. But had any of them even asked what really happened? He didn't know what Tsukushi had told Akira and Soujiro, but he suspected it didn't matter. Their opinions had been formed before they'd even reached his house, and nothing was going to change them now. 

It wasn't as if he didn't blame himself. Oh no, down inside, he felt like a completely insensitive asshole. He knew Tsukushi'd needed more time to recover, but he wasn't perfect, and god knows, he was no saint either. Sure he should have known Tsukushi's emotional state was completely fucked, and her pain and confusion led her to act in ways she'd be sure to regret. . . But. . . .. Everyone makes mistakes, and he failed to understand why his friends condemned him so. 

It didn't matter what they thought, though. Not really. He loved Tsukushi. And he would make amends, to her somehow. But he wasn't about to give up and let her go. No matter what his friends might say. 

Another conversation, only half begun, lapsed into strained silence and died a depressingly premature death. Even Tsukasa, zonked out as he now was on heavy duty pain killers (His doctor had finally stirred himself enough to poke at Doumyouji's wound, proclaim it, "not healed yet," and stuff some more percocets down the poor boy's throat.), was starting to wonder at the unnatural strain in the room. It was giving him a headache.

"Why don't you all go outside or something?!" Doumyouji burst out with at last, tired of all the veiled glances and dead silences, "I thought you came here to go hot-springing! So why don't you go out and do that! You're driving me crazy in here!" He didn't want to admit he didn't know what the secret was; the secret that was so obviously fueling the tension in the room. If they weren't going to tell him, he wanted them out of his sight, where he wouldn't be reminded of his ignorance every ten minutes. 

"He's right!" Shigeru jumped up, "The sun is still shining, let's get out there and enjoy it while we can. It's supposed to get cold tonight, so I'd advise against any moonlight soaks. Yeah, let's go!" Her enthusiasm for something, anything at all, swept the room like a breath of fresh air. 

Akira smiled at the welcome distraction, and promptly teased, "Do we get to be coed again? That was fun yesterday. . ." 

Soujiro nodded in agreement and allowed his eyes to trail speculatively down Shigeru's torso, "Yeah, those clothes just don't flatter you at all, not like just water does. . ."

"And certainly not like some idiot boys I could name" Shigeru laughed, "That was the lamest come-on I've ever heard!"

"And he should be embarrassed to display his so-called endowments for us to *ahem* admire." Sakurako mocked, as the two girls broke down into a fit of giggles.

"But by all means," Shigeru forced out between laughs, "if you Still think you're man enough for us, come on in."

"Where's the adult pool?" Rui asked quietly. He was in no mood for their juvenile water games.

"Spoilsport!" Sakurako taunted, "You're just afraid to be exposed to humiliation!"

"I have nothing to prove to the likes of you." Rui refused to be drawn in to this argument.

"I think we'd better do segregated springs after all," Soujiro murmured quietly to Akira. But not quietly enough to escape Sakurako's notice.

"Ah-ha! You are afraid of inadequacy!"

"Hmm…" It was Akira's turn to grin devilishly, "That's not what you said that time at the Ritz."

"Yeah well, you believed that? You also thought I was a virgin then!" Sakurako spoke without thinking, and the two boys dissolved into giggles, as she realized what she'd said.

"Not like some of us didn't know better by then." Tsukushi muttered darkly as she remembered.

"Shh…" Rui felt Tsukushi tensing as she remembered what Sakurako's scheming so long ago had led to. Gently, he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her reassuringly until she forced the past out of her mind again.

By then, of course, their friends had noticed Tsukushi's withdrawal, and the banter ceased.

"All right then," Shigeru stood up, breaking the silence once more. "I'm going to go get the towels. Who else is coming?" 

A chorus of "Me!" met her. Everyone, in fact, except for Doumyouji obviously, who couldn't go, and Tsukushi, who simply couldn't face the thought of being stuck in the spring with Shigeru and Sakurako interrogating her about Rui. Much as she loved soaking in the calming waters, she'd much rather chill out somewhere quiet in the house. Some place where she could just recuperate and try to regain her sense of self. 

"Tsukushi?" Shigeru inquired worriedly, "Are you sure you don't want to come? We'd really like to have you join us."

"I just don't feel like it right now." Tsukushi demurred, pasting an artificially bright smile on her face, "I'll be fine staying here, thanks!"

"I think I've changed my mind." Rui said slowly. "I'll stay here too,"

"Oh no, you won't" Soujiro waved a finger warningly, "You know you can't resist the springs. You never could.. . ."

"Trust Us." Akira added, "You'll regret it if you don't come in." It was almost comical, the way the two boys tried to loom in the doorway like the wrath of god. It was time for their 'chat' with Rui, and he wasn't going to worm his way out of it.

"Ummm.. . " Tsukushi looked up to regard her two self appointed champions with some concern, "It's fine if he stays, really. . . who else is going to untangle this mess?" she gestured vaguely to the knotted sculpture Rui had just made of her hair. 

"I'll do it." Doumyouji, who had so far been quiet. spoke up, unexpectedly. Every pair of eyes in the room swiveled to stare at him.

"What did you say?" It was Akira who spoke the room's collective disbelief.

"It doesn't look that hard." Doumyouji shrugged, "What else am I going to do while you guys are out having fun? Besides, I know how Rui feels about his precious onsen time. Almost as vital to him as sleep."

"But. . but. . ." Sakurako stuttered this time, "You don't mind?"

"Like I said, what else am I gonna do?"

"Read a book?" Rui suggested. He allowed no trace of sarcasm to color his voice. What was Doumyouji up to? Now he really didn't want to leave Tsukushi alone. 

"It's ok, Rui. I'll be fine. Really." Tsukushi placed her hand reassuringly on his, and shot the boys across the room a searing look that said plainly, "Don't you dare hurt him." She could read the look in their eyes as well as anyone. Truly, this mess was all her fault. They shouldn't all be picking on Rui like this.

Soujiro met her eyes, and nodded, almost imperceptibly. He arched a questioning eyebrow in Doumyouji's direction, as if to ask anyone, or everyone, what that man's sudden and uncharacteristically altruistic behavior meant?

He received only a subtle chorus of shrugs and head-shakes, as the collective denied comprehension of what thoughts were flickering through Doumyouji's impenetrable skull.

It was actually pretty simple. Doumyouji was annoyed. Sure, these damn drugs were fuzzing his awareness, and made it hard to concentrate. But he was damn sure he'd been left out of most of the morning conversations deliberately. The way all his friends kept avoiding meeting his gaze, and shied away from certain subjects. . . It was frustrating. Like when the boys had been teasing Sakurako just now. Why had the conversation stopped? He'd looked askance at Akira, who'd promptly stared earnestly at the ceiling, and then at Soujiro, who chose to contemplate the floor. Finally, his roving eye had fallen on Rui and his pale, quiet girlfriend. It was amazing how that girl could go from hell-driven spitfire, to the drawn-faced chit huddled protectively in Rui's arms. Something in his brain had finally clicked. Not the connection that his friends wished for. No, a return of memory; that would have been too much to ask. But something did click, nevertheless, and that something told him that girl knew all the answers. She held the key to the tensions that gripped the room. . . .

And he, he was tired of being out of the loop. Of not knowing the answers. So, he was perfectly willing to help his friends in their spectacularly unsubtle attempts to extract Rui from his seat, and vacate the house. Once they left him alone with this girl, then maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to get some answers to the questions that were building up inside. 

Hell, since they'd all insisted that he'd once liked this girl—maybe he'd even ask her about that. Find out if it was something important that he'd forgotten, or just a silly little footnote in the great saga of the Doumyouji clan. 

To be continued. . . 

__


	14. what kind of weed are you?

With a final backward glance at Tsukushi, Rui silently followed Soujiro and Akira out of the house. He was beginning to feel uneasy about this whole set up. First, this morning, Soujiro had primed Doumyouji for something, by suggesting that he needed to prove his ability to attract a woman, and now. . . They'd forced Rui to leave Tsukushi alone with the man. Worse, alone with the man who'd treated her with so much less than common courtesy required, ever since he'd woken up in the hospital with no memory of her. The man who now was being suspiciously attentive, attempting to untangle the delicate knots Rui had tied with loving care in Tsukushi's hair. More likely, Doumyouji's clumsy fingers would be yanking it out, strand by strand. 

Rui winced. 

He shouldn't have let himself be herded out here like some disobedient child. He needed to be where Tsukushi was. But there was no help for it. Soujiro and Akira were firm. He must come.

Well, at least he'd warned Tsukasa to keep away from Tsukushi. The last thing she needed now was more confusion, borne from a false hope in Doumyouji's recovery. ..

-----

Inside the house quiet reigned again.

Tsukushi sat cross-legged on the floor, head bowed, as if in deep contemplation of the well-worn floorboards. From his chair, Tsukasa watched her for some time, trying to even come up with any kind of guess as to what she might be thinking of. At last, he gave up.

"So?" he demanded, rather more harshly than necessary.

"What?" Tsukushi turned her head sharply to regard him from too-bright eyes. 

Doumyouji felt as if he were being alternately sucked deep inside those huge dark eyes and repelled from them, as if from some impenetrable barrier. He recoiled, refusing to admit how disconcerting the feeling was. Still, he could not shake the vertigo quite clear as he cleared his throat to speak again. 

"So, aren't you going to come over here so I can untangle your hair?" He knew he sounded cold. But he didn't know why that should bother him so. Much like the sensation of falling, as he accidentally met her eyes again. It must be the drugs playing tricks on him. Yeah, that had to be it.

"No. I can do it myself." Tsukushi shook her head in denial, too fast, too tensely, to even try to pretend to hide her discomfort. 

"Don't be stupid." Doumyouji's voice cut through the air like a whip. "You're just going to make it worse."

"Why should you care!?" Tsukushi strove, futilely, to hold back tears, as she glared into his emotionless eyes. "You don't even know me. You don't even try to be civil to me. Why are you pretending to be nice now? Why don't you leave me alone, you jerk?" Tsukushi climbed to her feet hastily, and turned to leave the room. . .

"Wait!" Doumyouji called out after her, rather plaintively, "Don't leave. . ".

"Why shouldn't I?" Tsukushi turned in the doorway, hands on her hips. "You're just going to find some way to insult me again," And even if that were all, he had no way of knowing just how uncomfortable it was for her to be alone with the guy she loved-- the guy she'd just abandoned for his best friend. The guy who persisted in treating her like a total stranger, or worse, a complete nonentity. The guy whose cold eyes pierced her heart like tempered steel.

Doumyouji hesitated. He wished he knew when or why he'd lost the gut instinct to demand everything he wanted immediately—and to beat the shit out of those that denied it to him. But, that was one of the memories he'd lost, and now, he merely found himself at a loss, unwilling to reveal weakness, unable to bluster as he once had done. 

He didn't want to admit to this utter stranger that he was lonely, left here alone while his friends cavorted outside, and indulged in conversations from which he was necessarily excluded, by dint of his lacking all recollection of so many shared experiences. Nor did he wish to admit the fear he felt dragging him down; the fear that this wound in his side was slowly killing him, as it leached the vitality from his soul. Even worse, Tsukasa feared that he was losing the will to fight. Ever since he'd woken in that hated hospital room, he'd felt something was missing, some vital component of his self. Without that, whatever it was, he couldn't find the spark, the will, to fight the crippling lassitude that threatened to drag him to an early grave. 

So instead, he asked the other question that had been bothering him all weekend. 

"What is everyone hiding from me? You know, don't you, why no one will meet my eyes? What's the big secret?"

Leaning heavily against the doorframe, Tsukushi regarded him levelly, Even as she tried to harden her heart against his entreaty, she could feel herself weakening. Just the look in his eyes, as the desperately lonely boy inside peeked out for a few anguished seconds, had the power to cut straight through all her defenses. 

But to answer that question of all things. . . . what was she supposed to say? 

Tsukushi sighed, and temporized, 

"They're trying to protect. . .. you. . ."

"From what?" Tsukasa persisted, more confused than before.

Tsukushi squeezed her eyes shut in misery. Am I supposed to tell him, that this is my fault? That everyone is uncomfortable because I'm dating. . .No, because I slept with Rui? That they're afraid that telling him might trigger his memory—and his violent streak? That They're afraid to mention his bizarre crush on Sakurako because I might get upset? That no one likes the situation. And no one knows how to change it? Least of all me. . . And I'm the one who needs to find the answers the most. . . well, almost as much as Doumyouji does, at least. . .

Doumyouji watched in fascination, as Tsukushi withdrew into herself, while she contemplated his question. She didn't seem to be snapping out of it. So he tried another tack.

"Is it really true? Were we? . . ." Being Doumyouji, he couldn't quite bring himself to finish the question, and a subtle blush spread across his cheek as he started intently at Tsukushi. Damn it, no one should have to ask such a question of another! Not that he could easily believe the answer, but if it offered any clue to what secrets were being whispered around him, he needed to know.

". . . yes. . . " Tsukushi murmured, a slow tear making its way down her cheek.

"When?" 

Another sad sigh escaped Tsukushi's lips, as she bowed to the inevitable. "Until two weeks ago."

Doumyouji's reaction was instantaneous. "You're Lying!" He couldn't possibly have dated this girl at the time of his accident. He couldn't admit to himself that he might have forgotten something so important, so he reverted to angry denial, the most basic of the immature defense mechanisms. 

"No. I'm not." Tsukushi looked him square in the eye, even as her voice rose, "Didn't we tell you? Over and over again? I was your girlfriend, you stupid man! Would you like to see the dress I wore the day you were stabbed? It's in my closet at home, covered in your blood. Blood that wouldn't wash out, no matter how I tried. Even your blood is as stubborn as you! I thought you were going to die that day!" As if each word was draining the strength from her legs, Tsukushi sank to the floor, though her eyes, now burning with a cold desperation—a need to make him understand—still remained fixated on his. And Doumyouji couldn't break that iron gaze of hers even if he'd wanted to. 

In a quieter voice, Tsukushi went on, "Did you know, that we stood out side the operating room? Your heart had stopped, you were giving up the will to live. I thought I would die along with you. And I cried and pounded on the glass. Did you hear me? 'I'll never forgive you if you die!' I said. I wouldn't have! Anything else, I thought. It would be ok, just as long as you didn't die. 

"I was wrong. How could you forget me? Why did you want to?! You jerk! And you wouldn't even listen, you wouldn't believe us! You wouldn't believe me. . . . I don't know if I can forgive that. . . but . . I suppose. . . it doesn't matter anymore. . .

"Because. . . I've gone and done something that you'll never forgive. . . I guess that makes us even. . . somehow. . . 

"As long as you just don't die, I'll be ok. . ."

Tsukasa stared in shock, as Tsukushi's tirade wound down. Automatically, one hand went to press on his bandages, as if to reassure himself that her strong words had not magically reopened the gash. Feverishly his brain tried to process the small girl's flood of words. . . If she was his girlfriend then, Why was she now with Rui? Mentally, he smacked himself. Was is some devious female scheme? To make him remember through jealousy? Strange, he didn't feel jealous. Just confused. Perhaps he'd be jealous if one of his friends were after Sakurako? No. . . he reflected, he wasn't sure about that any more either. He didn't like the way she flirted so readily with the guys, the way she so casually brushed up against them, or pouted temptingly. She'd toned down on the fire that had first attracted him to her, and now, he wasn't quite sure what he'd been thinking when he'd kissed her. Desirable as she'd seemed when she'd stood in his hospital room screaming at him—that spark was no longer present; the timbre of her voice didn't speak to him, and her sparkling doll's eyes didn't consume him, didn't draw him into their dark vortex. 

. . . not like Makino's now were.

He shook himself free of her eyes for an instant, only to peer more intently at Tsukushi's pale face as they drew him back in. 

She glared back. Her power of speech may have failed her, but she was going to stand her ground, whatever it took. She was tired of the way she kept backing down, kept giving ground, kept acting like a weak little fool. Enough was enough. Especially since the Doumyouji that sat before her now, acted and sounded very little like the man she'd fallen in love with.

"Well?" She demanded, when Doumyouji still didn't respond to her speech, "Aren't you going to tell me that I'm lying again? Aren't you going to deny everything? Crawl back into your shell, where everything is safe, and ignorance is bliss? Come on, I can see it in your eyes, that you want to." _Crawl back to the place where your heart is frozen solid, and only ice reflects in your eyes_. . . 

"No," Doumyouji came to a decision. "Tell me more." With great effort he refrained from infusing his voice with the doubts and confusion he felt. Though he could not remember what reasons he had for caring, he hated hearing Makino's bitter, defeated tones crackling brittlely in the air between them. It almost made him want to go over there. . . and. . . .

And, what? Take her in his arms, and tell her everything would be ok? That he believed her? Tsukasa could almost feel his missing memories clawing at the locked doors in his skull, begging to be let out, as he was seized by this sudden impulse. The noise of their screams sent tremors running through his fingers. . . If only he could understand what they were saying. . . If only he could find the key to unlock all those doors. . . 

"What more do you want to know?"

"I can't remember ever liking a girl," Tsukasa mused, "Why did I like you? Or did I?"

"You can even ask such a thing!?" Tsukushi stood up from her seat on the cold floor, and, unable to harness the stressed energy that now filled her veins, began to pace the room.

"Well, I can't remember, now can I? For all I know, you tricked me, seduced me, even." Tsukasa's face grew red, just saying that, "Besides, you move awfully fast don't you? For all you say we dated, you don't mention—were we in love? How could you be dating Rui now, if you loved me? . . . And stop pacing like that! You're making me tired just watching you." He felt like he was discussing the affairs of strangers; not his own life, not his own friends—it all felt too distant, sounded to surreal, to be a part of his world.

Tsukushi stopped in mid-pace, and swiveled abruptly to face Doumyouji once more. "Rui is my best friend. He has always been there for me. I'm dating him, because. . ." She faltered momentarily, but regained her place, as she let her anger at Tsukasa's accusations, valid as they may have been, fuel her speech, ". . .Because, the man I loved may as well be dead. And all he ever left me was pain!" _He's still causing me pain_, "Rui loves me!" _Sometimes it feels like he's my only strength_, "I'm tired of not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow, a week from now, a year. . . Rui is stable. He can give me something you never could!"

Doumyouji was looking at her speculatively. The girl sounded like she was talking to herself, completely forgetting about her silent audience of one.. . 

"You don't sound very happy." He pointed out, annoyed by her continued jabs at his theoretical failings. "What kind of stupid person keeps doing things that make them unhappy?"

"The kind like you and me." Tsukushi finally sat down, perching on the edge of a couch across from Tsukasa. "But it doesn't matter anymore now does it?" She forced a hint of a smile into her voice, "Because I made my decision, and I'm sticking to it."

"You keep talking about this 'momentous decision'" Tsukasa snorted derisively, "So what the hell is it?"

"It's what everyone's afraid to tell you." Tsukushi startled herself with the sudden feeling of liberation she felt, as she decided to tell him. It was almost as if a cloud of doom was lifting. Once she told him, it really wouldn't matter how she felt—Tsukasa would never be able to love her again anyway, or at least, so she thought—so she would truly be free to try and love Rui. Even if, from time to time, she still dreamed of Doumyouji. . . 

"Rui and I weren't a couple until. . . last night." She looked expectantly up at Doumyouji, wondering if she was going to have to spell the whole thing out. Apparently, judging by the blank look in his eye, she was. "I slept with him." Tsukushi could feel her cheeks burning with embarrassment. "I guess it doesn't matter to you anymore, but once you would have killed us for that. That's what everyone's hiding. Why things around here are so weird." Tsukushi couldn't resist one more side note, now that she'd managed to force herself to admit her betrayal, "That and the fact that you've been kissing Sakurako! Do you know how wrong that is? Do you love her now? You never used to be able to kiss a girl you didn't like! Just ask Shigeru. . . So what the hell are you doing hitting on Sakurako? You're upsetting her!"

Tsukushi couldn't believe just how good it felt to get her confession off her chest. Sure, she was weighed down with regrets for what could have been, what should have been, and for what was. But now was the present. And Doumyouji's eyes were cold as steel, while Rui's were warm and welcoming. That was just the way things were. The way things now had to be.

Doumyouji was speechless. Even his imprisoned memories ceased their cries for freedom for a few long seconds. As Tsukushi's words sunk deeper into his conscious, Tsukasa's cheeks began to echo Tsukushi's blush. He was embarrassed—embarrassed at her too-casual mention of sex, and at her obvious knowledge of his personality—those questions about Sakurako! He almost felt like he'd been the one to do something wrong—the disappointment and disapproval in Tsukushi's voice twisted deep inside him, following familiar passages to pluck at well-sensitized nerves. 

And he found he could not meet her eyes, even as a few words stumbled almost unconsciously from numb lips, "Do you love him?"

"No." Tsukushi was honest, sad as it made her feel, "But, I did, once. Maybe I will again, someday." She made it sound like a distant hope. "But now, I'm hungry. I'm going to go make a snack! Do you want anything?" At least in the kitchen, she could hide from his questions, that blank look in his eyes, too confused to be hurt, too empty to be angry. Besides, she'd said what had to be said, right? He'd only wanted her to stick around to answer his questions—and she'd done that. So she could leave now, without an extra dose of guilt? Yes? . . . Then why were her feet refusing to move? Damn it! Tsukushi burned with the need to escape this suddenly claustrophobic room, to run from the eyes that now pinned her to her seat. . . . 

Tsukasa was confused. Tsukushi had said too much, too quickly for him to assimilate. After all, he was not the world's fastest thinker, not by a long shot. And now he was trying to fit together the pieces of her story into a coherent picture that even he could understand. It didn't help that his subconscious was raising an unholy racket, screaming at him with a thousand different voices. They clashed and collided into a wave of mental white noise—too painful to be ignored, too incoherent to be understood. His head hurt. 

As he tried to sort the pieces out, he continued to stare at Tsukushi, hoping that if they sat here long enough, something would click, and he would understand again. Understand how he came to be who he was now, how he could have let it all slip away, and now, what was rapidly becoming of utmost importance to him; how this girl came to be at the center of it all. Even he, having now talked to her for just a few minutes, could see that much—that his friends became different people around her; strangers to him, though he'd known them all his life. What powers did this plain, nervous girl posses? His eyes bored into hers, but could read no answers in their deep shadows.

"How do you do it?" 

"Do what?"

"Change so rapidly." Doumyouji gestured with a hand, "One minute you're sinking so low, you'd think the ground had swallowed your feet, the next you're cheerful again. you're angry, you're calm. Watching you is making me dizzy."

"Oh," Tsukushi was startled. She had force herself to keep remembering that This Tsukasa was a stranger, and didn't understand anything about her. "It's because I'm a weed!" She had given this explanation to people so many times before, and the words flowed easily, "You can stomp me down and crush me as much as you want. But as long as my roots are intact, I'll always bounce back as good as new!" Unable to stop herself, she pointed an accusing finger at Doumyouji, and continued didactically, "You, on the other hand, are a pampered hot house flower. You need constant attention, or you wilt and die. See! Look at yourself now. If I were in your place, I wouldn't let that little hole in my gut kill me! I'd grit my teeth and fight! That's what a weed does. Nothing can keep me down. But, what about you, oh spoiled rose? You're weak. You don't know how to fight! If we didn't take care of you, coax you to heal, you'd probably just sit there in your chair and rot away from within!"

"Flowers?" Doumyouji was getting more confused by the second. What was all this talk of plants and gardening? Strange girl. ". . . Wait, did you just call me weak?"

"Yes." Tsukushi crossed her arms defiantly as her words began to have the desired effect.

"The great Doumyouji Tsukasa is Not Weak!"

"Then prove it!" Tsukushi's voice rose to match his, "If you're not just a wilting pansy, prove that you're strong! Get well again! Fight for your health. Fight for your memories! Don't just sit there waiting for everything to be brought to you on a silver platter!"

"Fine then, I will!" Tsukasa was not about to let this little snippet of a girl show him up. 

"Good." Tsukushi felt strangely satisfied with herself. She'd admitted the Truth about herself and Rui, she'd hopefully gotten Tsukasa to at least think about reconsidering his crush on Sakurako, and now she'd gotten him psyched to heal himself. Not bad work for a girl who, herself, was falling apart just a few hours before. . . "Now, do you want anything to eat? I really am starving now! I don't think I've eaten since last night." She climbed to her feet once more, ". . . Do you know where the kitchen is around here?" 

"Why don't you just ring for a servant?" Doumyouji looked at her blankly, "Isn't that what they're for?"

. . . And just when I thought I was making progress, Tsukushi sighed to herself. "Never mind, I'll find it myself." 

"You really are a strange girl."

"Yes, I suppose I am. " Tsukushi smiled slightly as she turned away.

__

. . . But very interesting, for all that. . . Doumyouji, left alone again, closed his eyes, and was soon lost deep in thought. . . 

To be continued. . . 


	15. do you remember?

"Mmm. . . something smells good!" 

"Is that for us?"

"Can we have some?"

Akira and Soujiro stuck their still-dripping wet heads around the kitchen door, and sniffed hungrily at the food smells that wafted from the stove.

"Wait until dinner!" Tsukushi snapped, turning to glare at the two boys. Her eyes widened as she took in their respective states of undress. Soujiro, at least, had on a robe, though to call it tied at the waist would have been doing the slack cord too much justice. Hardly anything was left to the imagination. Akira was almost as bad, holding a large towel around his waist—he seemed to keep forgetting that its position was dependent on his grip—and that kept slipping as his attention roamed. 

"Ah! Guys! go put some clothes on!" Tsukushi stuttered, hastily turning back to her stove before her face reddened.

"But Makino. . ." Akira pled, "We just wanted to see how our favorite working-girl was doing!"

"Yeah!" Soujiro joined in eagerly, "What did you and Tsukasa talk about?"

"Did you tell him about you and Rui?"

"Did he remember anything?"

"Did you ask what's up with his Sakurako fixation?"

"Did you show him what Rui taught you last night?"

"Yes, yes, yes. . Er, What?!" Tsukushi could barely keep up with their rapid fire questioning, and the last question took her by surprise. "No. I did not! Perverts!"

"Hmph, perhaps you should've."

"So . . . What did you tell him?"

"What did he say?"

Tsukushi sighed and looked from one boy to the other. "I told him the truth. I told him about us. I told him that I slept with Rui. He didn't even bat an eye. I think that more than anything else convinced me that 'my Doumyouji' is gone for good. If he'd been even slightly angry, Then I might have hope that he would somehow remember. But he wasn't mad. Just confused. 

"So it's ok, I guess. 'My Doumyouji's' gone. But now I have Rui. It will be all right. I will be all right." She smiled crookedly. "Maybe I'm doing the right thing after all. Sometimes, you just have to let things go."

The guys exchanged glances. Tsukushi was rationalizing again. They knew that if Tsukasa were to regain his memories, Tsukushi's heart would be his for the taking, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself otherwise.

"Hey, what's with that look?" Tsukushi may have been dense, but she wasn't that unobservant. "And what did you guys do with Rui? You didn't drown him did you?" 

"Did we?" Soujiro turned questioningly to Akira, "I can't remember."

"Would we do a thing like that?"

"Guys! I just gave up on one boyfriend! I don't want to find my new one dead!" Tsukushi blushed, as she tried once more to reconcile the word 'boyfriend,' with the man who now loved her.

"But Makino. . ."

"We just wanted him out of the picture. . ."

"So we could have you all to ourselves!" Soujiro leered evilly.

"Yourselves?" Plural?? Tsukushi couldn't cope with such blatantly perverted innuendo, and her already heated cheeks now burned crimson.

"No seriously," Akira continued, "We didn't do anything."

"Well, Maybe Akira didn't do anything." Soujiro proclaimed, "But I got to lecture him. What did I say again?"

"I believe it was something like 'What the hell are we going to do about Tsukasa? You know he's no good without that weed-girl.'" Akira mimicked Soujiro's tone perfectly.

"Yeah, that was it. but Mr. 'poker-face' Hanazawa, just sat there."

"I think he was asleep"

"You always think that. He was just faking it!"

"Uh-huh. Then why the snores?"

"Anyway, so Rui says 'let Sakurako deal with him'"

"Like any sane person would want the responsibility. . ."Akira, noting Tsukushi's suddenly murderous glare, "Not that you're not sane or anything. . just. . ."

"Like I was saying, " Soujiro hastily interrupted, "I asked him 'What about Makino?"

"I think the correct phrasing was, 'What the fuck, Rui? Can't you keep your hands off Tsukasa's woman?'"

"I don't think I sounded quite that bad."

"Guys!" Tsukushi tried desperately to interrupt. She wasn't at all comfortable with this recital, comical as they tried to be.

"Makino. Don't you want to hear what he said?"

"After all the effort we went through?"

"It ain't easy arguing with Rui, you know."

"Guys. . . ."  


"I think he took classes in non-Euclidean logic."

". . .Hello, Guys. . . "  


"Is that a valid subject? You sure you don't mean non-linear debate?"

"Whatever. As I was saying. . . ."

Tsukushi threw up her hands in despair. She couldn't win an argument with these guys. Hell, she couldn't even get a word in edgewise, it seemed.

". . . So Rui just shrugged. . ."

". . . And blamed us!"

"'If you wanted Tsukushi to stay with Tsukasa, you should have tried harder to help him get his memories back.' Is what he said" Akira mimicked Rui's deadpan tone, as the two boys reenacted the conversation for Tsukushi. . . . 

"_What? It's not like we didn't try. . ."_

"Not very hard. At least I'm concerned with her feelings. Did you two ever think about what she was feeling? How her life was in a state of limbo while she waited for Tsukasa? You know what she's like. Sure, she'd deny that she had any problem at all—and you'd just let her go on pretending, wouldn't you?" Here Rui had paused momentarily. And Soujiro had taken the opportunity to interject.

"If you feel that way, then what the hell were you doing calling us this morning? You're attacking us, when the truth is that you're the pathetic one here! We may have let the situation slide, but you're the one who took advantage of it! Admit it! You manipulated Makino into giving up on Tsukasa! How could you do that? You know what he's like without her. . . How long do you think the calm is gonna last before he gets violent again?"

"Not to mention Makino's feelings." Akira had added, "How exactly can you justify dating her when you know she loves Tsukasa? How is that gonna make her any less confused? How is that going to make either of you happy? Admit it! You're just being selfish!"

"So what if I am? Haven't I watched them screwing up each other's lives enough? I can make her happier that he ever could." Rui had been stubborn, and refused to back down from his assertions. That had effectively stalled further discussions, as he closed his eyes, and sank into the spring, refusing to answer any further of the two boys' prodding questions. . . 

"So," Akira's sudden change in tone brought them all back into the present. "We thought we should apologize for being insensitive jerks for the past few weeks."

"Yeah," Soujiro added, "We're sorry, so if you want us to do anything to make up for being such asses. . . just let us know. Do you want us to kick Rui's ass? How about Tsukasa's? I almost beat him that time you ran off to that fishing village, you know!"

"Hell, we can beat both of them up, if you want." Akira enthused. 'It'd be our pleasure."

"Thanks guys," Tsukushi smiled crookedly at the two handsome guys grinning contritely at her, "but that won't be necessary. You've already done so much already today." She quickly hugged each in turn—almost causing Akira to drop his towel in surprise. 

__

Where did I get such amazing friends? Tsukushi never ceased to wonder at the strange turns fate led her down. 

"So, are you really serious about staying with Rui?" Akira just had to ask.

"Yes, I am." 

"Makino. . ." Akira began. She could tell he was about to start trying to argue with her.

"Really, I'll be ok! Didn't you tell me already today, that it was no big deal?"

"But. . . Are you sure?"

Tsukushi nodded. "I can't go back. The only way to live is forward. I've just got to take each day as they come. So now. I'm going to give this a chance. If it doesn't work, I can always try something else, right?"

"Makino, you're such an idiot." Soujiro chastised her, affectionately, "But you've never taken our advice before, so I'm betting you won't now. . . Just remember, you ever want us to kick someone's butt for you. You let me know." He grinned again. "Right, I'm getting cold. I guess we'd better go get dressed for dinner huh?"

"Yeah. . . you'd better." Tsukushi smiled, "Besides, I can fight my own fights, most of the time—If there's anyone you need to beat some sense into. . . It's probably me! . . . Now go put some clothes on, you perverts! You can't keep prancing around the house half dressed!"

"Yes ma'am!" Akira flipped Tsukushi a mocking salute with his free hand, as he and Soujiro turned to leave.

Tsukushi went back to her cooking with a smile floating in her eye, and a warm feeling lighting her heart.

--------

Doumyouji slumped meditatively in his chair; his lowered chin resting thoughtfully on his clenched fist. His eyes were squinched tightly shut as he willed himself to remember. 

Just to remember anything at all would have been a major triumph. Doumyouji felt that he would be satisfied with the slightest of memories, or even any sort of subtle hint at his missing past. 

When his meditations failed to unlock his mental doors, Doumyouji grew frustrated, and tried to switch tactics. He let himself replay the afternoon's conversation over in his mind, trying to focus more closely on that Makino girl's words. But he kept getting distracted from the memory of her story by that of her eyes. Even just remembering the looks she'd given him today; ranging from angry, to sad, to challenging, to happy—he could feel his pulse speed up as his trapped recollections screamed furiously at him while he fell into those wide eyes. . . 

. . . Falling. . .

He was falling deeper into the darkness.

The deeper he fell, the fewer voices he heard clamoring at him. . . until, there was only one left.

One memory called out to him, sitting like a gift-wrapped box; locked up safely—just waiting for his hands to unwrap the paper, turn the key in the lock, and let a moment of the past unfold from its depths.

He remembered falling.

__

He had been at school. A day like any other day. Standing around the hall chatting with the guys. . . He'd been leaning against the railing at the bottom of a stairwell. There'd been a crash from above, and he'd fallen, knocked down by some stupid first year girl. Such disrespect! To actually use The Great Doumyouji Tsukasa as a landing cushion! He'd been so furious! Tsukasa could remember the old dangerous rage; the way it had flooded his veins. . . he'd wanted to kill the stupid girl for being an inconvenience, for hurting him, for getting in his way. It hadn't mattered then, that it was an accident, or that she'd apologized. That Doumyouji hadn't cared.

__

And then, that Makino girl had appeared. Drab and dull in the school uniform, and wearing ridiculous braids, she'd screamed at him for his arrogance and stupidity; not seeming to care a bit that he had all the power here. He could've crushed her like a small bug. He could remember wanting to crush her. to Make her pay for defying him. . . 

. . And that was all. . .

Doumyouji shook his head as the vivid clarity of the recollection faded. 

He knew he'd been violent before; he could remember coming home with blood on his hands, day after day, but his memories were old and faded, not like the bolt of pure adrenaline that had just hit him. He hadn't realized just how much he'd changed—how could he not feel that way anymore? 

It was that Makino girl. . It must have been. No one had ever defied him before—not and escaped with their skin intact. . . but it seemed she had. . . . How could that be?

Doumyouji's eyes opened with as snap. The whys and whats weren't what was important now! What was important was that he'd remembered something! If he'd found one memory, there was hope he'd find more! Tsukasa grinned gleefully at the empty room. He wanted to jump up and shout his success to the whole house! This called for a celebration. Still with a child-like look of elation on his face, Tsukasa climbed to his feet, intending to go find his friends. 

But that was the point when he remembered Makino. She'd told him his friends were afraid of him remembering right now. . .maybe they wouldn't be happy if he told them? Maybe they'd try to stop him from remembering more? Tsukasa's face fell. . . But Makino had challenged him to remember! He'd go tell her. She should be pleased. . .After all, he'd remembered something about her. . . 

Doumyouji began to make his way slowly to the kitchen. He was still confused about what all of this might mean. He was almost afraid to find out more—almost terrified of what the past had in store for him; afraid to learn that he wasn't the man he thought he was. And maybe even . . a little frightened of how he'd changed other's lives. . .

. . .And Makino?

Before a few hours ago, he'd thought she was nothing special. His friends' little pet, Rui's obnoxious girlfriend. . . But now. . . She'd shown him more facets of her than he knew she possessed, and he couldn't stop thinking about her. He'd almost forgotten about Sakurako entirely, as he was swept up in waves of uncertainty. What had Makino told him? Things he didn't understand at all. Women were so complicated. He didn't remember being interested in them before. Who needed the hassle? So now, why was it he'd automatically responded to Sakurako? Why was it that he now couldn't get Makino's face out of his mind.

And why was she the first thing he'd remembered?

Nearing the kitchen, Tsukasa was startled to hear voices. Lost in thought as he had been, he hadn't even noticed Soujiro ad Akira reentering the house. Hmm. . . here was an opportunity not to be missed. Tsukasa was no good at stealth; in fact, he'd never seen much use for subtlety or evasion. But now. . Now with his friends all acting strangely as they were, he wanted to see how they acted when he wasn't around. . . 

Doumyouji crept down the hall to where he could hear the voices clearly, and settled against the wall to listen in.

If asked, he would have had to say that he was shocked by the conversation he heard.

What was it they said? . . "He's no good without that weed girl?" They were talking about him, and not flatteringly either. He'd never really thought about his friends opinions about his behavior. They'd always stuck together no matter what. And here they were trying to persuade Makino not to give up on him. . because they didn't like the way he was without her?? 

Tsukasa felt himself growing angry. He fought the urge to storm into the kitchen and start yelling about how they should mind their own business. Breathing deeply in an effort to calm himself, he continued to listen. . .

He had to admit that he almost didn't recognize his friends anymore. Their obvious concern for this one girl's well being jarred sharply with their normal attitude about women—that is, all he could remember were their constant flings; their attitude that women were there to be played with and discarded. He'd never seen them actually care enough about one to be this sweet to her—especially since they weren't trying to seduce her or anything. 

He'd only before seen them being this sincere towards Shizuka—but then, everyone respected her, or maybe towards Akira's younger sisters—and again, they were so cute it was impossible not to be sweet to them. 

Doumyouji felt more and more lost. The more he heard, the angrier with himself he became. He was missing out on all of this. Missing out on the banter and warmth that flowed from the kitchen, missing out on the friendships—he felt that he was the stranger here, not Makino. 

He Hated to be left out. Slumping down the wall to sit on the floor, Tsukasa knew there was only one solution. He had to remember everything! He didn't want to be shut out from his friends, left out here all alone! His delight in remembering one fragment was fast fading, as he thought on all the gaps that were left to fill in. . . It might take years to recover it all! And what would happen to him in the meantime? He'd have to relearn who his friends were now, relearn how they all fit into his life, and into each others. 

It was going to be hard. But what choice did he have?

And who would help him? 

Doumyouji clenched his fists in frustration. Almost he wished that Makino, stranger though she seemed, hadn't left him for Rui. She knew the answers, but would she help him now? After he'd driven her away? Doumyouji didn't know the answer to that, any more than he knew how to even begin to ask her for her help.

-----

"Makino, I want to talk to you."

Tsukushi was again distracted from her cooking by a voice at the door. The boys had left just moments before, and she was still smiling slightly as she turned around to face the speaker.

"Doumyouji." her face fell slightly, "You shouldn't be walking around so much. You need to rest and recover. . . "

"I remembered something." Tsukasa cut off her protests.

"Oh." Tsukushi's first reaction was a faint tremor that ran through her body, causing her to almost drop the spoon she'd been using. She recovered quickly though, trying to hide her sudden nervousness with a too-bright smile. "What did you remember?"

Tsukasa pulled out a chair and sat down at the large table. Tsukushi continued to watch in silence, fiddling nervously with her spoon, as she did so. What had he remembered? There were so many bad memories, and so many good – she was afraid of what he might have recovered, what some scenes might seem like, taken out of context. . . 

"Why are you so twitchy?" Doumyouji demanded gruffly.

"No. . No reason. . ." Tsukushi stammered and hastily turned back to the stove so she wouldn't have to face him. "You didn't remember everything?" She sounded sad. She could tell from his face that he was still incomplete.

"No. Just one thing."

'What was it?" Tsukushi couldn't help biting her lip as she awaited his answer. Luckily, Tsukasa didn't take too long to reply. Briefly he sketched out the scene, and then fell silent, as if expecting her to say something meaningful. Tsukushi tried to oblige. . .

"That. . .That was how we met. . ." Tsukushi almost felt tears welling up in her eyes. She ruthlessly suppressed them—It was long ago, and not a particularly happy memory, anyway. Certainly not worth crying over. "The girl was my friend Makiko. You red-tagged me the next day."

"Really?" Doumyouji sounded interested, in an almost academic manner, "We red-tagged you. . . How did we go from that. . . .to this?" he waved a hand as if to indicate the entire group of friends scattered through the house.

". . . It's a long story. . .." Tsukushi sighed.

"Makino." Doumyouji persisted intently. ". . . Will you help me remember?"

To be continued. . . 


	16. a quiet dinner?

__

I can't believe this is happening. Tsukushi rubbed her forehead as if by doing so, she could erase the words that hung still in the air between them. _Oh god, I should have known something like this would happen._

"Well?" Doumyouji demanded impatiently. "Will you help me or not?"

Tsukushi took a deep breath, and wheeled to face him, "You stupid man," she shouted, "Didn't you listen to a thing I said this afternoon? Why couldn't you have asked me that four days ago? Even three? Why did you have to wait so long? It's too late! I can't. . . I can't help you now! Why don't you go ask Shigeru—She'd be more than willing to help you! Or even Sakurako?"

"Don't you want me to remember?" Doumyouji challenged right back. "Weren't you the one to tell me to try harder. So I did! You're the stupid one here! At least try to be consistent!"

"What do you think I'm trying to do?" Tsukushi slumped into a chair across from Tsukasa, leaning her elbows on the table, as she glared at him. "You really didn't listen to anything I said, did you?"

"Sure I did." Doumyouji growled, "So you're dating Rui. You can still help me." Not that he even understood why she was dating Rui in the first place, "You said you loved me. Well, then If you love me, you'll help me."

__

Is he really that dense? "It's not that Simple!" Tsukushi threw up her hands in frustration.

"Why not? It was your face I remembered, and you all tell me that you're the one I forgot. So you should be the one to teach me."

Tsukushi tried a new tactic. "You don't need my help. You've started remembering on your own."

"Not enough!"

Tsukushi sighed again. Maybe Doumyouji's memory loss hadn't really changed him as much as she'd thought. He was still demandingly selfish and simpleminded. He couldn't even seem to comprehend how much it hurt her just to spend time around him, while he treated her like a stranger or casual acquaintance. And when he did remember, if he remembered everything, would he regain the love he felt? Or would that have faded too, as time went by? And what about Rui? It was a complicated equation, one which Tsukushi wasn't sure she could solve. She needed advice, and reassurance. She needed someone to tell her that it was going to be ok, that this whole situation wasn't going to be a total fiasco. She needed Rui.

"I'll think about it.' She temporized. "Why don't you go round up the others for dinner?" If she got rid of him for few minutes, then maybe she could think again.

"You cooked?" Doumyouji asked, startled. He'd been so absorbed in his argument with her that he hadn't even noticed the task she'd set herself to.

"Of course."

"Isn't that what the cooks are for? What can you make anyway?"

Tsukushi refused to dignify that question with an answer. "Go get the others." She repeated firmly. _Please, Doumyouji, get out of my kitchen. Give me space to breathe. Stop fixing me with that look. I don't know what that look means._ _. . I can't read you any more. . . please go away! _

Doumyouji slowly rose from the table, still fixing Tsukushi with that penetrating gaze as he did so. "I don't recognize my friends any more. Even though I see them, they're not the same. You changed them, didn't you? You changed me too. I need to know how. . . Am I really that much of a burden, that no one wants to help me?" A tinge of sadness colored his voice as he thought of the conversation he had just overheard. Not wishing to show more weakness, he quickly covered up his plea, "I'll go find the others."

". . . Doumyouji. . . ." Tsukushi looked up to find herself talking to an empty room. Damn that man! She already knew she would help him. What choice did she have, after all? Even if she didn't love him, she was the kind of girl who couldn't stand to see anyone unhappy. She always helped whomever asked her for aid, no matter how much she may personally dislike them. But it was going to be hard. ". . . Why did you have to forget everything? Why did you have to remember now?" He'd always had the worst timing.

------

Soon, the entire group had gathered in the kitchen, drawn in either by the clarion call of Doumyouji's impressively loud voice, or by the enticing odors wafting through the house. Arriving first, Rui quickly took stock of what needed to be done, and took it upon himself to set the table, since Tsukushi had long since sent all the servants away to find other tasks.

"Why are we eating in the kitchen?" Sakurako pouted in confusion. "What's wrong with the dining room?"

"It's cozier in here," Tsukushi shrugged, "I don't know how you people can stand the formality all the time."

"Oh! This'll be so much Fun!" Shigeru exclaimed, settling herself into place at the table, "I've never had Tsukushi's cooking before!"

"Where are the bowls?" Rui, still poking through the large kitchen's many cupboards, was having a hard time with his self-appointed task.

"Oh, let me see!" Shigeru hopped back up, and between the two of them, the table was soon set for seven.

Finally, everyone was settled in around the table.

"What is this?" Akira dangled a morsel in front of his face.

"Dunno." Soujiro shrugged, as he snatched the tidbit and devoured it. "Tastes good, though." 

"I don't like poor people's food." Doumyouji growled sullenly, as he stared at the steaming bowls.

"Shut up and eat. It's better for you than that fancy shit you're used to." Tsukushi snapped back, offended by his offhand dismissal of the meal.

"I like Tsukushi's cooking." Under the table, Rui's hand stealthily sought out Tsukushi's and squeezed it reassuringly.

"You would," Sakurako sniffed.

"It is good." Shigeru affirmed, "I wish I knew how to cook."

"You'll give yourselves stomachaches eating that." 

"Hey, Makino, what is this? I want more."

"Soujiro, that was my plate."

"Fine, I'll take Tsukasa's then. He's not eating anything."

"Doumyouji, are you going to eat or not?" Tsukushi glared across the table.

"I'm not hungry."

"He's just sulking."

"Why does he have to be so moody?"

"Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" Tsukasa slammed his fist to the table, suddenly.

"Then stop acting like such a child." Rui's eyes dared Tsukasa to challenge him.

"Rui, don't start." Soujiro could smell trouble brewing.

"No. I want to here what he's going to say." Tsukasa was more than willing to meet the challenge. 

"Can we not argue at dinner? I want this to be a happy meal." Shigeru too, tried to keep the peace.

"He shouldn't insult me." Doumyouji was sullen. "All of you. You're treating me like I don't exist. I don't like it. And what makes you so special anyway, Rui? Makino there told me about you. I don't think I can respect a guy who takes another's girlfriend."

Rui's face grew grim, ". .. You forgot her! You cast her aside! You have no right to talk! How could you do that to her! You selfish asshole, when are you going to learn respect for other's feelings!"

"Everybody Shut UP!" Tsukushi, who'd been eating silently through much of this exchange, gave up at last. Standing, she glared around at the entire table. "I just wanted to eat one meal in peace! Is that really so hard? Why couldn't you just eat the damned food? Why do you have to ruin everything?" Throwing down her napkin, she spun away, "I'm going to take a bath. I think I'd like to be alone for a while."

"Tsukushi. . ." Rui stretched out an imploring hand at her retreating back, but she'd already left.

"I'm going after her." Shigeru stood.

"Let her be." Akira grabbed the blond girl's wrist.

"Don't you care that's she's upset? Someone should keep her company!" Shigeru's eyes teared up in frustration. 

"Let her be." Rui echoed Akira's sentiments, "I'll go apologize in a bit."

"How can you be so calm?! You two—" Shigeru glared at Rui and Tsukasa, "ruined all Tsukushi's hard work. And now you're just sitting there? You men are such jerks! You're both so selfish!"

"And you talk too much." Doumyouji grumbled, "Why is Everything about Makino?" Nobody seemed to care about him-- about his feelings, anymore.

"I give up," Soujiro remarked to nobody in particular, "I'm going to go eat on the porch." Picking up his plate, he left the kitchen for the peace of the outdoors.

"I'm with him." Akira shook his head ruefully as he too departed.

"I'm going to take a walk." And Rui was gone.

"I think I hate everyone." Shigeru, feeling like she was about to cry at the way the evening as shaping up, retreated to her own room.

"Well," Sakurako broke the silence that now filled the kitchen, "That leaves you and me, Tsukasa. Better eat up before everything gets cold," She dug in.

"Aren't you bothered by all this?" Doumyouji peered questioningly at the cute girl next to him.

"Sure, But really, you and Rui fighting over Tsukushi is nothing new." Sakurako shrugged, "I was upset earlier. I'm done now. None of you ever seem to make up your minds. It gets old." _At least I made up my mind. I don't want Tsukasa anymore_. 

"Oh." Doumyouji grimaced, and absentmindedly started to eat. "I really fought over that girl?"

"You really don't remember shit, do you?" Sakurako laughed. "You turned me down for her, you broke your engagement with Shigeru. . ." She began to tick off items on her fingers.

"Wait!. . ." Doumyouji coughed, choking on his rice as the words registered, "I was engaged?"

"Yup! Shigeru told me all about it. She even tried to seduce you here. I can't believe you didn't go for her. She's almost as hot as me!" Sakurako preened unconsciously, "We're beginning to think that you're going to die a virgin. . .. Ah well, at least Tsukushi won't. That's some kind of progress at least." She couldn't help snicker a bit, as she remembered, "Man, you two were pathetic. You were crazy for her for so long, but you didn't do anything! Rui managed in just two days. . . but then, he always was her best friend. He always understood her better than you, so it shouldn't be that surprising. . ." 

Doumyouji listened in mesmerized fascination, as Sakurako gossiped about his past life. He had the sensation of watching some absolutely horrific accident—Something nauseating twisted deep inside with each word she spoke, but he couldn't look away, couldn't close his ears to the salacious details, while she prattled on about Tsukushi and Rui.

Her words were making his head spin. Doumyouji looked down at his plate, trying to steady his vision. Much to his surprise, he found he'd eaten everything on it. Maybe food poisoning was what was making him dizzy? But he knew that wasn't it.. . He leaned forward to cradle his spinning head in his hands. He wished the world would stop whirling. And why was his gut churning so?

Sakurako noticing his suddenly ill expression, stopped in mid-sentence, "Tsukasa, are you all right?"

With an effort, Doumyouji nodded, "Just a bit dizzy. I think I'll go outside."

"Are you sure? You don't look well. You're not supposed to do anything active you know!" Sakurako glance down meaningfully at Doumyouji's bandages.

"I'm Fine!" Tsukasa repeated irately, attempting to bolster his blatant lie with a bit more bullshit. "That stupid hole is finally starting to heal. I just need some fresh air." 

"Want me to come with you?" Even though she didn't really want to, Sakurako felt she had to offer.

"No." Doumyouji blinked frantically, trying to clear his vision. Something unpleasant was welling up inside. He wanted to be alone when it hit. Whatever it was.

"OK, I was just asking." Sakurako sniffed. Really. He didn't have to be so rude all of a sudden. But then, Tsukasa was always rude. It was part of his 'charm.' She sighed, as she watched him hastily staggering from the room. Something was wrong with him. Something other than his wound. Maybe she should go ask the guys what he and Tsukushi had talked about this afternoon? It could be important. They'd know. They always seemed to know everything important. 

------

Tsukasa stumbled out on to the back porch into the bracing chill of the night air. Off on the front porch, he could hear Soujiro and Akira talking faintly. Above him, a crescent moon was just rising over the dim silhouettes of ancient pine groves. Up here in the mountains, the night sky was clear, and stars twinkled brightly overhead. Tsukasa appreciated none of this beauty. Instead, he let himself crumple to the cold wooden floor as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through him, bringing with it a new memory. . . .

To be continued.


	17. you call that a memory?

Doumyouji gasped as he was plunged into a vivid recollection. 

__

Red hot rage was pumping through his veins. Acid stung his throat, and his stomach churned as if his intestines were tying themselves into knots. Behind his eyes, darkness strobed, threatening to consume his sanity entirely. Somewhere, through the haze that shrouded his vision, he could dimly see Soujiro and Akira walking away. Their voices carried clearly back to him. 

__

"He's totally snapped this time," Soujiro grumbled in disgust.

"Yeah," Akira agreed, "Let's get out of here before he kills someone." 

Tsukasa had stood there in the silent hall listening to the blood boiling in his ears. He felt ill. There was glass on the floor around him; a jagged hole in the window let in gusts of warm air. Doumyouji noticed none of it, consumed as he was, by the darkness within.

He remembered waiting, as the school emptied with unseemly haste. The lights were dimmed, the halls echoed with quiet. And still, he'd burned, still he'd raged. Silently, he'd lurked out upon the emergency stairs, as if guarding the lonely pile of books abandoned there.

__

And then, She'd appeared. 

Makino. 

In his memories, Again.

In her haste to collect her books, she'd not noticed him standing there. As for himself, he'd hardly been able to see through the red beat of his pulse. At the sight of her, his insides had twisted and writhed, his skull had clenched, filling his mind with pain. And he'd struck out, trapping her against the wall. . . 

". . .Go ahead and Scream, no one will hear you. No one will help, even if they do hear. They're all too afraid of me." 

__

She was afraid of him. 

He'd smashed his fist into the glass of the door, savoring the sharp pain as his knuckles began to bleed. He'd licked the long gash, but the metallic taste of his own blood couldn't slake his thirst. . . 

Makino had run, but she was weak. She fell. And there was no escape. She'd protested, she'd yelled, but he hadn't listened. . .

"_This is all your fault." Doumyouji's eyes had transfixed her as he knelt down to pin the struggling girl against the cold floor. He could remember every detail—the way her tears sparkled in her thick eyelashes; the smoothness of her skin, as his hand had slid up her thigh; the way her muscles tensed against his as he effortlessly held her down. . . _

. . . But that was all he remembered.

Why had he been so enraged? Why had he assaulted Makino? 

What had he done?!

Doumyouji crouched down on the darkened porch, desperately trying to remember what came after, or even, what had come before. But his mind was stilled, as if the intensity of that one memory had temporarily bleached out all other possible memories. 

Doumyouji would have liked to believe that it was not a real memory, that it was nothing but a nightmare or hallucination, that he hadn't done . . . whatever it was he'd been about to do. But even he couldn't deny the cold clarity of truth in that vivid recollection.

Blindly he stared out into the dark, trying to make sense out of what he'd just relived. He must have been angry at Makino? What could she have done? When had this happened? (He was trying to avoid having to face the question of what had really happened that day). But, even Tsukasa's mind was forced to circle back, and ask. . . What happened next? Did he force himself on her, as he seemed about to do? Doumyouji hated to admit it, but the old him, wild and cruel, was certainly capable of such a thing—but if he had—then how could she face him so calmly now? How could she say she loved him?

Tsukasa was confused. 

This piecemeal way of remembering stuff was truly stressful—like filling in a puzzle with no coherent picture, no guide to tell you how anything fit into the bigger picture. He wanted to remember who he was. And he wanted to remember Now!

But his subconscious wasn't having any of it. It wasn't about to let itself be browbeaten into submission by his drive to conquer. It was going to sit there and unlock each precious memory in its own sweet time, in its own devious way, as if according to some greater plan; some clever scheme which mere ego driven processes couldn't possibly comprehend. 

Confronted by this isolated memory of his violent past, Doumyouji was pierced by guilt. The man he was now would not be capable of such misdirected violence. Sure, he could fight to defend himself and his friends; to protect what was his. But to violate a girl? That was a boundary he couldn't cross. He hoped he hadn't then either. 

Of course, the only person who knew the truth of what might have happened, was Makino. But would she tell him? She seemed the kind of person who held her negative emotions in tightly. She'd never let anyone see her pain, her weakness, until unyielding circumstances forced it out. 

Slowly Doumyouji stood, staring sightlessly out across the darkened sky, as he pondered the best way to approach the skittish girl, and get the answers he feared. . .

-------

Rui did not immediately go out walking as he'd planned. Instead he made a brief stop back at the room to which he and Tsukushi had been assigned. When he'd fled Tokyo the other day, he'd brought a few things with him, almost on a whim. Among these items, was his violin. When he was upset, and needed to escape reality, Rui usually opted to sleep. When he couldn't sleep, he played the violin, and let its warm tones seep through his body, soothing his mind, until all distractions faded away. Now, taking up the case, he strode hastily out of the house and along the dimly lit paths of the garden. 

Finding a secluded wooden bench, nestled under the protection of a drooping pine, Rui settled down, and withdrew his precious instrument. Like all the F4, Rui knew how to play several instruments, and in many styles. But While Akira secretly preferred the moody tones of the saxophone, and Soujiro the melodic capabilities of the piano, (And Tsukasa the angry energy of percussives), Rui's passion had always been for the sweet sound of a well-played violin. 

Almost eagerly, his slim fingers took up their familiar positions as he raised the instrument and bow and began to play. Years of long practice made each note flow effortlessly from the motion of his hands. He needed no light to play, and let his eyes slip shut as his mournful notes climbed into the star-lit heavens above.

The song he played was full of melancholy. It tugged at the heart, reminding one of lost days of youth, of misspent passion, and the frailty of human nature. Into it, Rui poured his frustration, and his regrets, as if by giving these things life in song, they could leave him alone. What was wrong with wishing for peace, for happiness? What was wrong with wanting love?

Why was there never an ideal solution?

Rui thought back to what had led them all to this pass.

__

Shizuka.

How long had he loved her? Since they were children, and she'd drawn him out of his shell—taught him how to smile. But she'd gone away and left him. She'd never needed him. Not like he'd needed her. And then, Makino. The poor girl who'd forced him to feel again. She'd taught him to fight for the things he valued—to fight for Shizuka. And so he'd gone. Gone to France. Sure, Shizuka had been surprised when he showed up on her doorstep. But, she was too Perfect to mind. Oh No, Nothing Ever Fazed Shizuka. She _enjoyed having Rui's love. He was her pet—a boy she turned into a man. But, she had her own life too. One in which Rui had never played a part—could never be a part of. While he'd based his life around her, waiting for her to come home, striving to please her in any way possible – she'd be going off on dates, meeting other men – sleeping with them too, if she wanted. But she didn't need them either. No, Shizuka was as self-contained as Rui, if in another way._

__

He could do nothing for her, for she needed nothing he had; didn't even really want his love, except as a tender memento of childhood friendships. And it broke his heart.

Rui had returned to Japan, bitter memories clouding his vision. Needing to feel wanted, to be needed as Shizuka had needed him, he'd turned to Tsukushi. Hell, she'd loved him before he'd left—a puppyish adoration, so blatantly obvious it was almost painful. So, he felt no qualms about the way he'd callously taken her from Tsukasa. It had been her choice, after all. 

__

It was only then, when he saw her crying for his pain, that he began to admit that maybe Tsukushi might mean something more to him than a warm body in which to forget his sorrows. He wanted to protect her too. It was easy to want to shield someone who looked so fragile, someone who no matter what, always seemed to make their life so much more difficult than it really needed to be. It had taken longer, Much, Much longer, to realize that he loved her too. At first, it had seemed to be merely friendship. Friends care about each other, and Tsukushi 'd taught him to care; she'd made him smile. It was because of her that he'd awoken to the world around him. 

But Rui still wasn't good with people. His forte was to watch and understand. Human interactions were still difficult. For, analyze each situation , each personality, as he would, it was still so very easy to say a wrong word. Make the wrong expression, and in so doing to fuck up entirely. 

A brief spasm crossed his features, and a shrill squeal rang out from the violin. 

Yeah, he'd fucked up again. but what could he do? At heart, Rui was just another lonely boy, brought up in isolation with no siblings, his only friends the three equally, if differently, warped heirs of Japan's other leading families. The only ones who'd ever pierced his loneliness—ever tried to get inside and understand him, were Shizuka and Tsukushi. So was it really any wonder that he'd fallen in love with them? 

Of course not. 

He'd tried, really, and truly tried, not to act on his feelings for Tsukushi. Or at least, he'd tried to channel them into the acceptable paradigm that was platonic friendship. He'd helped her through her tumultuous relationship with Tsukasa; given her a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on so frequently, that even he could no longer enumerate the instances. And the more he helped her; the more he encouraged her and Tsukasa to get together and stay together, the more he came to feel that maybe, just maybe, She Shouldn't be with Tsukasa after all. 

After all, a couple shouldn't need the efforts of a third party so much, if they were truly happy together. The whole business in New York, where Tsukushi went after Tsukasa, only to be turned away so rudely, had almost clinched it for him. That was No way for a boyfriend to act. And so, he hadn't been able to stop himself—hadn't even tried really—from letting slip his true feelings for Tsukushi. 

Rui's music grew more wistful, as he thought back to the flowers he'd bought her, with the first money he'd ever earned. Even then, she'd seemed torn by his attention; not sure whether to smile or cry. But she'd kept the flowers.

Rui had taken it as a sign. Maybe, with time, and patience, Tsukushi would be able to get over that asshole Tsukasa and learn to love him again. But when Tsukasa came back to see her, and been kidnapped by Shigeru, Rui knew it couldn't be so. He'd avoided that whole escapade, desperately unwilling to see Tsukushi and Tsukasa together again. If he had any hope that she'd be happy with Tsukasa, he might have been more inclined to cheer them on. But, in all honesty, Rui had to admit, he did have a jealous streak and probably would have been just as apt to speak his mind about what a jerk Tsukasa was. Really, the guy had no idea how to make Tsukushi happy. 

Rui, on the other hand, had thought that he did.

Now, unfortunately, he had to admit, he'd gone and made mistakes. Not because his ideas were wrong, but more because he hadn't though before he'd acted. He'd been carried away, just a bit, when Tsukushi began to rely on him more heavily after Tsukasa's accident. And when she'd finally snapped, well, what was he supposed to have done? Left her with her little brother? Not bloody likely. Left her with the rest of the F4? Again, not bloody likely. Only he really understood her enough to take care of her. 

Or so he'd thought. 

Rui let out a long sigh, and set down his violin, listening while the last lingering notes faded away on the breeze like a vanishing memory of happiness. 

Now, it seemed, everyone was mad at him. Except, perhaps Tsukushi. Rui knew, deep down, that Tsukushi didn't Really need his support. She probably grew weaker for it. In truth, if he was going to be honest with himself, her so-called 'weed power' was more than adequate to pull her through any and all of the shit she got herself into. Hell, it was obvious that she'd been drawing strongly on that source of vitality ever since the guys had come to pick them up this morning. Rui knew he certainly had had nothing to do with her industrious activity this evening. Though, he mused, it would had been nice if he could claim credit for something other than making her angry.

Well, and so, perhaps it was time for him to go apologize for ruining dinner. He was certain that Tsukasa wouldn't bother with such niceties. And at any rate. Rui needed Tsukushi's forgiveness, for the simple truth was,

He needed her, a hell of a lot more than she needed him.

To be continued. . . 


	18. life is complicated

Soujiro and Akira sat on the front porch and picked at the remains of their dinners. Neither had much to say, and so they ate in silence. After a while, they heard the back door slam open with a violence that could only be attributable to one man.

"Tsukasa." Akira stated the obvious.

Soujiro nodded in agreement, "Wonder what he's up to now?"

"No clue." Akira shook his head ruefully, "Did you see the way he was looking at Makino during dinner?"

"Yeah, it was weird. Like he kept expecting her to suddenly sprout horns and a third eye."

"Exactly." Akira frowned, "Think he's starting to remember?"

"Maybe. But I wouldn't bet on it. More likely Makino said something weird this afternoon. Tsukasa's already been acting strangely since we got here, I wouldn't put it past him to start losing it completely if Makino pulled one of her usual circus acts." Soujiro shrugged. Sure, it would be nice if Tsukasa finally pulled his head out of his ass and remembered Tsukushi, so this tiptoeing around could stop, but Soujiro was far to cynical to think that it would be that easy.

"Bah." Akira snorted. "I think we should take the girls and just go home."

"What, and leave Rui and Tsukasa alone up here?" Soujiro stared at his friend in some disbelief.

"Sure, why not? They're obviously the ones with the most issues here. Hell, even Makino is starting to seem rational compared to those two."

"Hmm. . . " Soujiro pondered Akira's words. "Tsukasa's really not That bad. He's just moody. He's always been moody. I'd be moody too, if I had a hole in my side that wouldn't stop bleeding."

"Now you're defending him?" 

"Someone's got to."

"I suppose. Still, I'd like to see what might happen if we left those two alone."

"You just want to see Rui and Tsukasa fight."

"Well. . I'll admit, it's tempting." Akira grinned suddenly. "After all the trouble they put us through. . . ."

"Hmm. . ." Soujiro thought some more, as off in the darkness outside the house, the soft melody of Rui's music began to permeate the night. "Technically speaking, Makino's the catalyst for trouble. Always has been. If we follow your logic she should stay here too." He didn't sound like he approved of that plan at all.

"Erk," Akira grimaced, "No. That'd be all bad."

"So, what should we do? Just sit and wait? I hate waiting."

"At least it's not boring."

"Riight. . . ." Soujiro sighed, "A bloody soap opera, is what it is. I always thought those were for idiots and old women."

"Oh come on now. . . ."

". . . Not to mention the fact that I haven't gotten laid in a week. . . " Soujiro continued to grumble.

". . .you can't tell me that you'd abandon Makino, Rui, and Tsukasa, for some of your bimbos?"

"No! of course not." Soujiro frowned, "But that doesn't mean I'm enjoying any of this."

"Me neither."

A few moments of silence ensued as the two boys stared out blindly into the dark, listening still to the faint snatches of Rui's music that the night breezes carried to their ears.

"I wonder what's going to happen?" Soujiro mused at last

"To any of them?"

"To all of us. . . How much longer can the F4 last like this? It's not like it used to be."

"Things are changing."

"You feel it too?"

"How could I not? We've been changing since we first met Makino, you know. And, of course the F4 couldn't stay the same once we started tolerating new acquaintances."

"You mean Makino?"

"And Sakurako, and Shigeru. You know we never used to have real friends outside each other."

"Now we do. But the four of us. . . all we ever seem to do is fight each other these days." Soujiro sighed. "I hate it."

"Yeah, you and me both. There's just no good here, anymore."

"And nothing we can do to fix it either." 

"Exactly." Akira stretched and stood suddenly, "God, I hate being so serious all the time. One might think we were starting to become all mature and shit."

"Gah. Adulthood. A fate worse than death." Soujiro agreed. "We need a drink."

"We sure do. But think about what I said earlier. How bad could it be to just leave Rui and Tsukasa to work it out?"

"What about Tsukasa's memories? And Tsukushi?"

"We'll think of something." Akira sighed. "What other choice do we have?"

"Yeah. .. "Soujiro climbed slowly to his feet as well, "Why are we always the ones to pull these fools out of the pits they dug for themselves?"

"Because we're the only sane ones here?" Akira grimaced

"Must be. Ugh. Where the hell's the vodka?"

"Right this way," Akira waved the way back into the house, away from the melancholy night music, away from the heavy sense of responsibility that had enveloped the two boys, and back into the warm light and fuzziness that only heavy drinking could sustain. 

------

Shigeru lay curled up in her bed, tightly clutching an anciently decrepit teddy bear. Slow tears trickled from her eyes, as she sniffled in misery. Normally a high-spirited, energetic girl, at this moment she seemed anything but. She cried not only for Tsukushi, but also for herself.

When had things started to go so wrong? Of course, it had all begun with Tsukasa and that cursed engagement. She'd tried so hard to make it work, but Tsukasa never cared. And now, though she might maintain her blithely cheerful façade, the sad truth was she still hurt. Rejection hurts, and try as she might, she could not help but long for Tsukasa, even as she strove to aid Tsukushi's fight for his heart and memory. 

It was hard sometimes. Hard to pretend she no longer cared for him. Hard to see him gazing lovingly at Tsukushi. Hard to look at them and smile. But, it was even harder to see them like this. Shigeru had never expected to feel such misery at this unexpected estrangement. Sure, she loved Tsukushi, almost like a sister, and her hurt stabbed Shigeru like hot knives, but . . . there was more to it than that. Tsukasa's pain hurt her as well, and while his friends might look the other way while he sulked and moped, Shigeru could not help but ache with unhappiness each time she saw the lost confusion; the hurt and lonely emptiness reflecting in his eyes. He needed a friend badly, at this time when it seemed his own friends had forgotten about him in any way that mattered.

Shigeru wanted to be that friend. Wanted to be at his side, comforting him, healing him. Encouraging him to get well, to recover his memories. But she was afraid. Afraid of the feelings he awoke in her. Afraid of what she might try to do if she got too close to him. She couldn't betray Tsukushi like that, but she knew that she didn't stand a chance in hell of maintaining her distance from Tsukasa. If she were to even try to be his friend, she knew, just knew, that she'd just fall for him harder than ever. Why else had she kept her distance while he was in hospital? Why else had she busied herself in searching for Tsukushi? Why else had she maintained her distance, even here, where her memories of him rose so clearly to the surface of her mind? No, Shigeru knew that dwelling on a failed experiment of the past, and a future that could never be, was neither healthy, nor productive.

And so, instead of seeking him out, offering him advice, an encouraging smile, the warmth of knowing he still had one friend he could rely on to not be sneaking around behind his back in this time of pain, Shigeru curled on her bed and cried.

Tears of frustration, tears of unhappiness; they flowed so freely these days. 

Everyone's got their secrets. Shigeru had hers. When she was done crying, she pulled her resolve back around her like a shield. Maybe she'd go do a little late night jogging. Or perhaps she'd go climb a tree, and reminisce about her tomboy youth.

No one had to know how she'd lain here crying for all the things she couldn't do, and for all the things that had been done already. Her smile already in place as her best defense against prying eyes (not that anyone ever bothered to look too closely anyway), Shigeru rose from her bed. She gave her old teddy bear one final squeeze, and headed for the door.

Out in the hallway, Shigeru listened closely for sounds of life. Sure enough, Akira and Soujiro's low voices could faintly be heard emanating from the front porch. With a slight grimace, (and wishing, at this moment, to avoid human contact) Shigeru turned and headed for the back door.

Shigeru opened the door gently, knowing that the aging hinges tended to squeal if not properly coaxed into functionality. The hall behind her was dark and quiet, and little light spilled out across the wooden flooring as Shigeru lightly stepped through the door. Thus, it should come as no surprise to anyone, that the tall man hunched up on the steps, absorbed deep within his inner limbo, failed to notice her presence. And, dressed in dark, hidden in shadow as he was, Shigeru too, failed to see Tsukasa until she was almost upon him. She started as she finally noticed his lanky frame folded up beneath the railing, and a splintered floorboard creaked beneath her feet. Doumyouji whirled at the unexpected noise so close behind him.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded roughly, dark eyes latching onto Shigeru's lighter ones.

"Ah, you surprised me!" Shigeru tried to cover her startlement, "I didn't think anyone was out here." She couldn't help but notice the rare tinge of vulnerability in his downcast expression, as if he'd been puzzling too long at some painful mystery that wouldn't quite yield up its dark secrets. She could feel it tugging at her heart, eroding her resolve, calling out to her in damning complicity, that here was the man who needed someone to fill the void. . . And why shouldn't it be her?

"Well, I was." Tsukasa growled, "What do you think you're doing, sneaking up on me like that?"

"Sneaking up? I was doing no such thing!" Shigeru returned hotly, "Besides, it is, after all, my house. I can go where I want." And, right now, her mind was telling her to go Away. Now. Quickly. Out into the garden. Away from Doumyouji. Away from the awful, awful temptation to sit beside him, gaze into those hurt and angry eyes, and ask. . . "What are you doing out here, alone?" Ack. Betrayed by her own larynx. Shigeru willed her feet to move. They refused. "Shouldn't you be inside, resting? You're not going to get well if you sit out in the cold." Why was she still talking? She had to harden her heart, strengthen resolve, get out of here. . . .

__

Oh come on. Just admit it, girl. Shigeru sighed to herself in defeat, _You're not going anywhere._ Well, at least, the worst that could happen is she'd hurt herself some more. Tsukasa couldn't notice her anymore than he ever had. Hell, he probably wouldn't even talk to her now. Amnesia couldn't change a man that much, could it?

If only she'd taken the front door. But no, her traitorous feet had led her straight to the one man she'd so wanted to avoid tonight. She'd forgotten the cardinal rule of life, "Things can always get worse than you think."

"It hurts." Doumyouji, admitted, looking away from Shigeru's surprisingly intense gaze.

"What, your injury?" Shigeru surrendered to her heart, and took a seat on the step next to Tsukasa.

"No." Doumyouji grimaced, as if by baring his teeth to the night, he could frighten away the uncertainties that gnawed at his soul. "Remembering."

To be continued. . . .


	19. the night drags on

Shigeru stared at Tsukasa. What else could she do?

"What. . ." She began, at last, hesitantly, "Have you remembered?"

Tsukasa sighed moodily, and stared off into the night. "Bits and pieces. Nothing seems to make any sense. None of it hangs together. First I was red-tagging. . . her.. . Then. . I think. . I tried to rape her? Did I do that? Can I even trust my memories? A few minutes ago, I heard Rui start to play his violin. Do you know what memory that prompted?"

Shigeru mutely shook her head. She was beyond shock at Doumyouji's revelations, and now had passed into a numbed state total acceptance as Tsukasa bitterly regurgitated the chewed bits of yesteryear's memories for her perusal. She'd never heard before of Tsukushi's red-tagging. . . much less, that other. . thing. And the realization that she knew her friends and their history even less well than she'd thought, silenced her completely. She was almost as afraid of what Tsukasa's new memories might reveal, as he himself, was.

Not even deigning to notice Shigeru's headshake, Doumyouji continued his self-absorbed musings, "I remember Rui punching me. In an Airport of all places! I can feel it almost as if it took place just moments ago. I can almost taste the blood in my mouth. I have to keep checking to make sure my cheek is not really starting to swell. . . Why did Rui attack me? He never fights, at least not physically. Or did I attack him? I don't even know that! All I recall are these useless fragments! So Intense, so real. But they don't tell me anything! All I know is that. . . She was there too. . ."

". . . I'm sure it will all come back, eventually, " Shigeru offered hesitantly, feeling the need to say something, anything.

"In spurts and trickles?" Doumyouji snorted. "How am I supposed to know what happened when? Or why? Can you tell me?" His piercing eyes swiveled back around to bore into Shigeru's.

Shigeru shook her head. If he had asked earlier, she might have supposed she knew enough to answer that question affirmatively. But now, she was beginning to doubt that what she knew of Doumyouji's and Tsukushi's shared history even scratched the surface of what was real.

"I thought not." Tsukasa turned away again. Alone in his sorrow and misery, for she could not help him.

". . . but at least I can listen!" Shigeru burst out. Despite all her previous vows to avoid him, to Not Get Involved, she couldn't help herself. When push come to shove, she wanted to be near him, to help heal him, no matter what the cost to herself. Less vehemently, she continued. "Even If I don't know everything, it never hurts to have a sympathetic listener. At the very least, you can get things off your chest! Try it. You might feel better!"

"And are you?. . " Doumyouji raised an inquiring eyebrow, recalling suddenly what Sakurako had told him previously about his short-lived engagement to this vivacious girl.

"Am I what?" Shigeru's forehead wrinkled in confusion at this sudden, oblique question.

"Sympathetic." Doumyouji explained impatiently.

"You know I am." Shigeru's shoulders slumped wearily, "No matter how badly you treated me, I always was. . . you can reject me as many times as you want, throw me out like a piece of trash, or ignore me like the most insignificant piece of dirt, but I'll always be there for you. . ."

Now it was Doumyouji's turn to freeze in surprise. He couldn't imagine what he'd done to win such devotion from the girl beside him. He only had hazy memories of her from before; of insignificant things, like eating lunch with the F4, an argument over nothing, and the vague sense that she'd been counted among one of his friends, or at least, among the tolerated circle of personal acquaintances. And now here she was, all but proclaiming her love for him, for all the world to hear. Even if she didn't sound happy about it.

As if life wasn't confusing enough already, without this new information. Doumyouji shook his head irritably. This wasn't helping. And what was he supposed to say to her now? Perhaps something like, 'I don't like girls, so you're wasting your time?' Yeah, that wouldn't go over so well, and besides, everyone assured him that wasn't true. . . That there had been one girl he liked. . . who now seemed to be appearing, with unsettling frequency in those few poor memory fragments he now possessed.

Instead, he elected to continue to sit in reflective silence. 

Beside him, Shigeru waited tensely. At any second, she knew the words would come, the words she knew so well, 'Go away, you annoying monkey-face!' or something hurtfully similar. Really, it was all she'd ever heard from him before. Why should tonight be any different? And why, she ruefully asked herself, do I care so much that I keep coming back for more? Must just be stubborn perversity.. . .

But the minutes stretched on, and the expected words didn't come.

Instead, just as Shigeru was beginning to wonder if Tsukasa was still conscious, or if his continued silence was some sort of dismissal, Tsukasa spoke again.

"Tell me about Us." He demanded. "When were we engaged? What did we do? How long did it last? Why aren't we still?"

"Huh?" Shigeru sat stupidly, "You can't really care about that? It was such a brief engagement it hardly counts. Not even worth remembering, really." Unsuccessfully, she tried to brush off his questioning, but Doumyouji wouldn't be denied.

"I want to remember Everything. Tell me about it."

His tone brooked no refusal, and reluctantly, as if unwilling to admit to him her own hurt feelings, Shigeru began to tell the story.

-----

Inside the house, Tsukushi settled in for her bath. Alone, at long last, for what was really the first time in days. Here, in the steaming waters of the tub, she could forget the stresses outside, the friends and lovers who tore at her heart, drove her to the edge time and again. It was so hard to relax around them. No matter how kind they all were to her, they all expected something from her, almost demanded that she produce some magical answers to the problems that beset this tightly knit group of friends. 

Tsukushi sighed. What answers did they really think she could provide? She didn't really know how to fix Doumyouji, any more than she knew how to put herself back together. Nor did she know what to do about Rui; his sudden bitter antagonism to Doumyouji, his excessive protectiveness of her; their newfound shared physical intimacy. And what about Shigeru and Sakurako? They both seemed to expect miracles from her, when it came to restoring Doumyouji's memories. Maybe it was only Soujiro and Akira who were truly sane around here. And even that was a dubious truth. 

Well, thinking so much never got her anywhere. Tsukushi made up her mind. "Enough worrying about what might have been or what could happen. I'm just going to live each day as it comes. And the rest of them can just deal!" She reprimanded herself sternly, though she knew, even as she said the words, that it was a promise to herself she'd never be able to fulfill. 

Tomorrow was Tuesday. She had classes to attend. And her brother would be worried about her. Maybe she would ask one of the boys to take her home tonight. (she didn't imagine they'd be willing to wake early enough in the morning for the commute back to Tokyo.) 

"But what about Rui? What about Doumyouji?" An annoying voice in the back of her mind piped up.

"What about them?" Tsukushi asked herself tiredly

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to stay with Rui."

"And Doumyouji?"

"Is getting better all on his own. He doesn't need me anymore." She thought with more than a tinge of bitterness and regret. And that small insistent voice kept trying to whisper in her ears that she was just sticking with Rui out of some misplaced sense of vengeance. That her sleeping with Rui had merely been a subconscious desire to hurt Doumyouji for his complete rejection of her from his memory and from his heart. Tsukushi clamped her hands over her ears, as if to shut out the whispers that insinuated themselves through her skull. 

"That's not true." She murmured, "It can't be true. I'm doing this for me, and not because of him. . ." If only she could make herself believe any of the comforting lies she told herself.

By now, her solitude was becoming far less of a comfort to her and more of a burden, so, with a final regretful sigh, Tsukushi climbed from the water, dried herself off, and donned one of the fluffy bathrobes left for her. Padding out of the bathroom on slippered feet, Tsukushi made her way to her bedroom, only to find Rui already there, waiting for her.

"Hey." He greeted softly, as he finished putting his violin away.

"Hey." Tsukushi murmured, not quite able to meet his concerned eyes, yet hoping futilely that he wouldn't notice.

"Are you all right?" In a flash, he was standing solicitously by her side. 

"I'm fine." Tsukushi smiled weakly up at him, "I just think too much. And I'm tired. . . .I think I just want to go to bed."

There followed a brief and slightly uncomfortable silence as they both, as if on cue, looked over at the narrow bed that occupied the room. The bed that they were supposed to share. Tsukushi found herself trembling almost imperceptibly. It was one thing to say she'd stick with Rui. It was quite another to be forced to share a bed with him again, especially after the events of last night. Even if they had shared this bed before, in different circumstances, with no problem. 

"Do you want me to leave?" Rui asked at last, unable to quite hide the hurt in his voice.

"There aren't any other beds." Tsukushi cringed mentally, knowing that this was not exactly the answer he wanted to hear from her. Quickly she rushed on, trying to cover up her mistake. "Come On! Are you tired? When do you want to wake up in the morning? Do you know where my pajamas are?"

"Tsukushi. . . . I can sleep on a couch."

"No." Tsukushi said, a little too brightly. "Don't be silly! You're sleeping right here. Unless you've got a girlfriend waiting for you out there?"

"No." Rui laughed softly at Tsukushi's attempted joke and bent down to kiss her gently on the forehead, "Silly girl. Nobody but you." With a wide yawn, he quickly stripped to his boxers and climbed into bed. "Goodnight."

"'Night." Tsukushi murmured in reply as she crawled in next to him and turned out the light. She could almost feel his heart beating next to her, the even rhythms of his breath indicating that he'd fallen asleep almost instantly. Uncomfortably, she tossed, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep, without awakening the boy by her side. But no matter how she turned or burrowed, she couldn't get comfortable. Couldn't relax. Couldn't get away from the fact that she was once more, sharing a bed with Rui. And though she tried to wrap her mind around the idea, tried to force herself to accept it as normal, as proper, as The Way Things Were Supposed to be, she just couldn't make it ring true.

And she knew, almost beyond the shadow of a doubt, that in this one weekend, she had ruined everything utterly and completely. She'd betrayed Tsukasa, betrayed herself, and Now, now she knew, she was going to break her promises to Rui. For while she would stick with him, try her hardest to be the girl he needed to her to-- her heart would never choose him, not the way he needed, the way she'd said she would.

Knowing this, was it any wonder that sleep was hard to come by? 

To be continued.


	20. insomnia strikes

~~~So, after thinking for quite a while, I decided to try and finish this fic. If I were good, I'd have gone and cut ch 17-19 and done them over ( I originally wanted to rewrite from ch 11 onwards) but I'm totally lazy. So instead, I just changed the end of ch 19 so it matches a little better with what comes after. Right-o, here you go -- after long hiatus, _A Shift in the Wind_ (resurrected) ch 20. enjoy. Or don't. it's up to you.~~~

Tsukushi tossed and turned restlessly. Despite her exhaustion, she couldn't seem to get to sleep. Why did it always seem that when she felt her worst, a time when sleep would surely do her spirit good, that unconsciousness seemed impossible to attain? Just another of the little ways that life found to torture her. Tsukushi sighed, if she hadn't been such an optimistic person at heart, she would have seen it as another sign that she was utterly, utterly cursed.

It was no use trying to sleep like this. Tsukushi rolled out of bed, wincing at the chill of the floors. What was it with these rustic retreats and the lack of carpeting? She wished she had her slippers with her. Suppressing a shiver at each new patch of cold floor, Tsukushi crept down the long hallway to the kitchen, intending to try to lull her unhappiness with a midnight snack. Surely there had to be something soothing, something chocolate perhaps, lurking in the cupboards? 

Tsukushi groped for the light-switch, shielding her eyes from the sudden glare as she did so. The ensuing groan from the general direction of the kitchen table almost made her jump about a foot in the air. She blinked rapidly, trying to adjust her vision to the ambient light. 

". . . Doumyouji?" She asked hesitantly, belatedly recognizing the voice, if not the figure slumped at the table. "What are you doing up? You should be sleeping! Conserving your strength!"

"What's the point?" Tsukasa dragged his head off the table, and peered at Tsukushi with bloodshot eyes. He'd been sitting in the kitchen, for hours, ever since he'd sent Shigeru off to bed. That girl had talked endlessly, it seemed, each word she spoke, each reminiscence about their short-lived engagement making him feel worse and worse. He was an asshole and a jerk. It was no wonder someone had hated him enough to try to kill him. He'd treated Shigeru-- who sounded like a perfectly decent and very sweet girl at heart, like shit. And from what she'd said, it had sounded like he'd treated Tsukushi and even Sakurako even worse, yet all seemed to like him. To love him if anything was to be believed. It made him miserable. He couldn't remember any of it, couldn't remember a single worthwhile thing he'd ever done. Only pain and hurt and fury. At last, he hadn't been able to take any more of Shigeru's sympathy and kindness, she was too good a listener, and he had nothing to say. Nothing that he wished to articulate, at any rate. And then, when she'd gone, he'd realized, belatedly, that his wound had started to ooze again. The stitches sliding and pulling apart, the damaged vessels seeping, weeping red. It seemed a race, as to which would kill him first, despair or this stupid hole in his side. It had been pointless to get up and get help, pointless to waste his time in sleep. Instead. Tsukasa chose to lurk, alone, in the kitchen, trying for more memories-- trying to learn as much as possible while he still could. 

"Are you ok?" Tsukushi finally realized just how bad Tsukasa looked -- a sickly pallor made his normally vibrant features look fragile and old, and his grim expression with mouth tightly drawn into a frown, cheeks sunken and wasted, certainly didn't help the overall impression any.

"What do you think? Do I look ok to you?" Tsukasa glared weakly at the girl standing in the doorway.

"No. . ." Tsukushi admitted sadly, "I'm sorry."

"What the hell for?" 

"For disturbing you." Tsukushi looked away, refusing to meet Tsukasa's eyes. There had once been a time when she would have snapped right back at him, yelling at him for his disgraceful self pity. But not now. Not tonight, when she had, herself, fallen prey to that very same self-pitying melancholy.

"Sit down." Tsukasa demanded suddenly, even as Tsukushi stared inching towards the door. "Keep me awake."

"Huh?" Tsukushi did a double-take, but obediently sat down cautiously at the table.

Tsukasa close his eyes and rested his head in his hands, "They won't admit it, But I'm dying, aren't I? They couldn't do anything for me in the hospital. . . It's been weeks since this" he gesticulated weakly in the general direction of his wound. "And it still has hardly closed at all. They tell me it will -- but I'm not stupid, you know. Wounds heal in a few days. If it isn't healed by now, something's wrong. I'm going to die. . . " He trailed off as Tsukushi stared at him, shock and denial shining in her widened eyes.

"No! what did I tell you already!" Tsukushi urged vehemently, "You can't just sit there so passively! You can't die! Doumyouji, you have to fight for your survival! How can you say it so calmly! You can't just die. . . . I won't let you."

"What's the point?" Tsukasa mustered himself enough to snarl fiercely at Tsukushi, "What do I have to live for? I've been sitting here all night, trying to figure that out. My parents didn't even come to see me, not once! My friends sneak on tiptoe around while my back is turned, whispering, fighting. My best friend picks petty fights with me over a girl I don't even remember. And that girl. . ." Here Tsukasa's suddenly steely eyes seemed to pierce Tsukushi, gluing her to her chair, "Who claims," he segued into spiteful sarcasm, as if to hide true hurt in his tone "to love me, to have been my girlfriend, was off fucking my best friend after a mere three weeks. That's constancy for you. So much for Love. So what's the point of remembering That?"

Tsukushi face crumpled as each word hammered into her soul, pounding the nails of guilt deeper and deeper, until she felt she could stand it no more. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She cried, even as she broke down into incoherent sobs. 

Tsukasa watched for a while, trying to remain impassive, but having a hard time in the face of such misery. At last his stony expression softened slightly, "Makino. . ." He began, reaching out across the table as if to pat her hand. (hands which weren't even in range, being far too busy, as they were, wiping tears from Tsukushi's cheeks.)

"No. . .I know. " Tsukushi regained her composure enough to speak through the lump in her throat, "It's my fault, and you have every right to hate me. Even if you don't remember me. . .but still, Doumyouji. I won't let you die. Don't you have anything you want to live for? Don't you remember ever being happy?"

"No." Tsukasa didn't even have to think long to answer that one. His whole childhood -- lonely, alone, angry. . . Nothing much had moved him from his restless irritability, certainly nothing had made him happy. And despite the few tantalizing glimpses of his recent past that he'd endured this evening, there was still no recollection of happiness, only more misery. And whatever elusive event or events that had caused him to change, to lose his overwhelming rage, still kept slipping through his fingers, dancing tantalizingly close to the edges of his memory, but always, still, just out of reach. 

Tsukushi gazed at him, sadness in her eyes.

"Don't look at me like that!" Tsukasa didn't want anyone's pity. So, to distract her, he asked the first thing that came to mind. "What about you? When have you been happy?" He certainly couldn't remember her looking happy at any time after he met her in the hospital after waking from his coma.

"Well. Umm… that is." Tsukushi stammered, uncomfortable at having the focus shifted back on her.

"Well?!" Tsukasa demanded impatiently.

"Err. . . I was happy," Tsukushi replied slowly, "Before I started at Eitoku. And, I guess. . . . Afterwards, there were moments. . . ." She tried to smile. It was a halfhearted attempt, however, and her lips soon drooped back into their prior frown. 

"You don't look very certain about that." Doumyouji growled, "For someone who claims to have been my girlfriend, you'd think you'd be thrilled by the prestige of dating me. Why aren't you happy about it?"

"You can ask that?" Tsukushi cried despairingly, "It wasn't easy, you know! It was hardly ever fun! Learning to love you -- Loving you-- was the most difficult thing I've ever done! Happiness hardly ever entered into it! . . . And now. . . Now it's all gone. All for nothing. And you just want to give up and die. . . . "

Tsukasa opened his mouth, as if about to utter another sharp retort. But before the sounds could form, a wave of dizziness overtook him. A sharp pain behind his eyes suddenly burst forth into white light, blinding glare, and a jumbled impression of images, sensations, conversations; a montage too rapid and discontinuous to be fully recognized, much less absorbed. 

__

Watching the sunset from a balcony, his chin on her shoulder, his arms around her waist; A shivering body in the snow; watching the stars; watching her sleep; cookies with his face on them-- too precious to be eaten; darkness and the sensation of soft lips yielding beneath his in the instant before the lights went up.

All this and more, all too fleeting, all gone in an instant, leaving him empty and confused. The only thing he was sure of was that She was there. He wasn't even sure if any of those scenes contained a memory of happiness. He wished he knew. 

And even if they did. Would that be enough to give him something to fight for-- Memories of happiness, with a woman who admitted of a betrayal too recent to be forgiven? 

Tsukasa cradled his aching head in his hands and tried to sort out his muddled thoughts.

"Are you all right?" Tsukushi peered closer, seeing the sudden spasm of pain cross his face. "Is it. .. you know?" She gestured helplessly at his side.

"I'm . . .ok. .. " Tsukasa managed to gasp after a while. But now, Tsukushi's close proximity seemed to remind him of something, something that had been nagging at the back of his subconscious, "I think. .. I need to try something." He murmured half to himself.

This was all the warning Tsukushi got before Tsukasa leaned forward suddenly, and captured Tsukushi's lips in tender kiss.

__

Yes. 

This was more like it.

Tsukasa had thought many people had had what he was looking for. First, Umi, with her oh-so-familiar seeming bento full of commoner's food, then Sakurako, with that fire and spirit, and wounded center; giving him a jolt of recognition as she'd stood in his doorway lecturing him. He'd kissed her, thinking that she was what he wanted, that his desire for her was based on her attributes. And, he had to admit, the kiss he'd stolen from her had been passionate, sensual, had made his body tingle from his lips down to the very tips of his toes. But, what it hadn't been was familiar.

This kiss, though -- He knew this kiss. Knew it on some level deeper than memory. The hesitant mouth beneath his, the trembling, frightened lips, still frozen with surprise and shock at the sudden attack. 

Yes. This was familiar. 

Tsukasa almost smiled in satisfaction as he withdrew. He may not have all his memories, but this, this sense of learning something new, learning to love even, all over again. Maybe that would make it all worthwhile. Maybe that would give him the strength he needed to survive.

But first. "Why must you always cry?" The sharp words slipped out involuntarily, as Tsukasa noticed the large drops sliding down Tsukushi's cheeks. He didn't remember her crying, didn't know how he knew, but still, somehow, the tears were every bit as familiar as the kiss. . . .

Tsukushi didn't even notice the incongruity. She merely sniffled, and climbed shakily to her feet, her vision still blurred by tears. She tried and tried, but somehow she couldn't seem to stifle the flow. Not this time.

"Why do you have to torture me so? I know you don't mean it, not like you used to. So why did you do that? Was it to mock me? Some form of punishment? I don't need that from you! Don't tease me like that! Don't!. . . I can't take it. . ." trailing off into incoherence, Tsukushi stumbled from the room, her feet leading her blindly out into the chilly night.

"Makino! Wait!" Doumyouji called out futilely, even as Tsukushi vanished from his view. Without her presence the room suddenly felt dimmer, colder, a whole hell of a lot lonelier. ". . .I didn't mean it like that. . ." 

Only the empty room heard his quiet plea, "I don't want to be alone anymore. . ."

That's all he had ever wanted.

To be continued.


	21. come play

Tsukushi stumbled out into the darkened gardens, letting her misery direct her feet. Anywhere, away, where she wouldn't have to listen to the accusations, laden as they were with the sting of truth, or feel the weight of his wounded eyes upon her. . . And why had he kissed her? If not to emphasize that which she'd so thoughtlessly cast away. Did he think she didn't realize already! Couldn't he see that she was miserable enough, without him rubbing it in? Or maybe. . . Maybe he just didn't care. 

Tsukushi paused, and took a deep, cleansing breath of the pure mountain air. It was colder out here than she thought, and she shivered, clad as she was, in only a pair of soft flannel pajamas. Maybe it hadn't been such a great idea to come out here, but in her headlong flight from the kitchen, she hadn't noticed or cared where she was going-- she just to wanted to be away from him; and, since she was even less tired now than when she'd first left her bed, there had seemed little point in returning to that room to toss and turn even more. . .. Still. . . maybe she'd be better off going back indoors? 

Tsukushi looked around nervously, trying to figure out where exactly, her wandering feet had brought her. Umm. . . yeah. . . it was dark. The trees were dark shadows against a dim sky. This high in the mountains, no city lights stained the empty night, and here under the shadowing trees, Tsukushi could hardly see anything, not even the flagstone path beneath her feet. The wind rustled the branches above her head, a lonely whispering sound. Tsukushi fought the urge to curl up into a tight little ball of misery beneath the tall pines. If she did, who would miss her? Would they even notice until the morning? She wasn't sure she wanted to find out. So she did the only thing left to her, she continued slowly down the pathway, hugging herself to keep warm, pretending that her steps, like her life, had meaning and purpose. 

In the dark, she failed to realize where the path led, until the narrow paved way widened suddenly into a clearing, with a hot spring pool as its centerpiece. 

"Oh." Tsukushi gasped in surprise, for she was no longer alone. Wrapped up as she had been in her own unhappy thought, she had not heard the low murmur of voices ahead. Fortunately, for Tsukushi's sense of decency, the darkness of the unlit night, combined with the steam rising from the waters, adequately concealed the two figures that lounged comfortably in the warm water.

"Hmm . . .Is that a Makino I hear?" Akira swiveled his head trying to pinpoint where the sound had come from.

"Hey, Working-girl!" Soujiro called out cheerfully, "Have you come to play with us? We were getting bored out here without any girls."

"What? No!" Tsukushi babbled, "What are you two doing out here? Didn't you already bathe once already today? Why aren't you sleeping?" 

"Whoa, easy there." Akira waved his hands in dismay. "Not so fast."

"He means to say, we didn't feel like sleeping." Soujiro clarified, "We've got some bottles of sake around here somewhere. Want some?"

"Err… No." Tsukushi shook her head, forgetting for a moment that they probably couldn't see her this far away in the dark. But as the two boys continued to cajole and tease her, she did find herself inching closer to the pool, eventually settling herself precariously on the edge, and dangling her bare feet in the water, letting the comforting warmth sooth away the chill in her freezing feet.

"Hey Makino?" Akira asked cautiously, his voice sounding out of the dark a lot closer than Tsukushi had expected, "Are you all right?"

Tsukushi tried to muster a smile in answer, but she failed, then shrugged realizing that in the dark, he probably wouldn't be able to see her face anyway. She settled for delaying tactics instead, "I'm fine, really. Why do you ask?" Her voice sounded shaky, even to her. She never was any good at lying.

"You're wearing your pajamas." Soujiro pointed out, materializing in the water almost at her elbow.

"And you're out without any shoes." Akira pointed out. "You've got to be cold."

"So. What happened?"

"You fight with Rui?"

"Shigeru? Sakurako?"

"You know better than that." Tsukushi hung her head miserably.

"Well of course." Soujiro agreed, "but a nice cat-fight with Sakurako or Shigeru would be So much more exciting." Even in the dark, Tsukushi could almost imagine the wicked grin lighting up his face. 

"And besides." Akira cut in, "Your fights with Tsukasa always used to be so much more. . ."

"Spirited." Soujiro finished.

"Yeah. I mean sure, it was annoying as all hell, but still, the yelling,"

"The kicks to the head."

". .. the threats. . . At least you weren't running from the confrontation."

"Why are you running now?"

__

It's not true. I ran plenty. Tsukushi thought, staring down at her toes swishing in the water, _I ran from myself, from my feelings. I hid behind my anger. Isn't this more honest at least? _But she found that she could still not meet the boys' eyes as she replied hesitantly, "That was the old me? I changed. This is who I am now."

"We liked the old you better." Akira said seriously, causing Tsukushi's head to jerk up, an angry retort on dying unsaid on the tip of her tongue, as she noticed, for the first time, that the two boys lounging in the water so close to her, weren't wearing a damned thing. 

One would think this would have come as no surprise -- this was after all, a hot spring. But somehow, Tsukushi had managed to delude herself into thinking otherwise, right up to the point when her eyes, in the process of jerking up to meet Akira's, had to traverse across a great deal of sculpted anatomy-- quite a lot, in point of fact, since most of Akira was above the waterline, as he stood, arms crossed, regarding Tsukushi with a fixed gaze.

Tsukushi stammered something, flushed deep pink (unnoticeable in the dark night.) and quickly buried her face in her hands.

"Huh?" The two boys exchanged glances, then seeming to realize, at last, just what the problem was, burst out laughing.

"Oh come on Makino, don't you want to play with us?" Soujiro inched closer, spying a perfect opportunity to unleash a bit of trouble. . . and maybe, just maybe, cheer up the huddled figure on the pool's edge.

"No." Tsukushi's voice was muffled by her hands.

"But Makino." Akira wheedled, "This is perfectly natural. You can't tell me you didn't like what you saw?" His voice feigned hurt.

"I. . .No!. . .Pervert!"

"I think, Makino," Soujiro began, pretending seriousness, "that if Anyone here is the pervert it's you. I mean really, we were happily alone here, enjoying a soak, when you burst in on us, and joined us here in the water's edge. Are you sure you didn't come here for a peek?"

"After all, It's not every girl who gets to see these bodies," Akira added, smug in the knowledge of their perfect physique.

At this Tsukushi managed a small snort of disbelief. Akira and Soujiro exchanged confused glances, and when they looked back over, Tsukushi' shoulders were shaking with silent laughter.

For a moment, she forgot her regrets, and her unhappiness as merriment overcame her and she choked out, "I. . I thought, Nishikado-san, that your goal in life was to have every single woman on the planet experience that "perfect physique" of yours. I was hoping to end my days among the privileged few who never ever did. Damn it. . . . Besides," After saying so much, she just couldn't resist one last gibe, "Doumyouji is hotter." She blushed as she admitted the last; she didn't know what came over her, sweeping away her normal reticence about such things in a flood of gasped laughter ad scarlet cheeks.

"What did she just say?" Soujiro gaped at Akira.

"You heard." 

"I did. " Soujiro groused, "That's it Makino, you're going down. Akira?"

Akira was apparently in agreement, for, in an instant's time, the two boys moved as one, converging on Tsukushi, and half dragged, half threw, her struggling form into the deepest part of the spring. That done, Akira wiped his hands in satisfaction, and high-fived Soujiro, even as Tsukushi's growling and spluttering head emerged from the water.

"You. . .You." She stammered.

"Yeesss?" Soujiro drawled, "You were saying?"

"You Assholes! I'm going to get you." In another second, Tsukushi had managed to forget not only the boys' state of undress, but her own bedraggled appearance, as her sodden pajamas clung wetly to her painfully thin frame.

"Ah Makino!" Soujiro exclaimed joyfully, "You Do want to play, after all!" 

It didn't take long for a full scale free-for-all water-war to emerge, as the three friends regressed into juvenile antics, splashing, shouting and pushing each other under in the steaming water, their cries and laughter echoing in the quiet garden like a memory of better days. In the noise and heat, none of the three at first noticed the slow and quiet limping footsteps on the path, until a low and oddly plaintive voice cut through the air.

"Makino?"

To be continued. . . . 


	22. a lecture

~~~. . . What, d'ya'll think this is an R/T fic or something? It ain't Rui. (and why does netscape crash every time I try to upload a file? Geez. I have to type the directory path by hand? What a bloody pain in the ass.)~~~ 

"Tsukasa?" It was Soujiro who responded to the plaintive cry. "What are you doing out here? You shouldn't be up."

"Is Makino with you?" Doumyouji asked again, as he limped closer to the pool, in a vain attempt to distinguish any shapes in the obfuscating dark. There was silence as Akira and Soujiro watched Tsukushi trying to decide whether or not she wanted to answer. 

"Doumyouji." She called at last, "Why did you follow me? . . . Why can't you just leave me alone?!" _He just had to come ruin the mood_. Just when she was trying so hard to be cheerful. 

Doumyouji snapped a reply back, automatically responding to the anger in her voice, if not to the plea behind the words. "Stupid woman! You can't just go off running around outside dressed like that! What kind of moron goes around shoeless at night?" These shouted words actually had no relation whatsoever to the conversation he Really wanted to have -- which was about why she ran away in the first place. And, More importantly, how he was supposed to find the strength to keep from dying. . . But that wasn't a conversation that could be had now, not when she'd run like that, leaving him alone again, frustrated and confused. He'd had no choice but to follow her, much as it hurt: to move; to feel the pull on his stitches as he limped along. The ache in his side had grown with each step. He'd been about to give up when he 'd heard the voice and the splashing. And that had been a relief, for he didn't think he could have gone much further. Still. . . He'd found that Makino was not alone-- and now, he couldn't say what he wanted to. He would be too embarrassed, too ashamed to show his fear in front of his other friends, much less the knowledge that he thought he was dying. . . .

"Don't you dare mock me!" Tsukushi screamed back, almost on the verge of tears once more. "Why do you have to ruin everything?" she murmured more quietly, as she began slogging her way out of the spring, her movements slowed by her waterlogged pajamas.

"Hey Makino!" This time it was Soujiro who broke the heavy silence, in an attempt to defuse the mounting tension. "Before you go back inside, you might want to fix your top." 

"Not that we don't appreciate the view or anything. . ." Akira added, the leer almost visible in his voice.

". . . but it appears to have come unbuttoned." Well, he should know. . .After all, he'd been the one responsible for some of that damage during one of his tackles while they were engaged in their previous watery battle. He'd thought it'd be amusing to see if she'd notice. .. 

. ..She hadn't. Not during the fight, but Akira had. . . . And had joined in the fun, tackling her himself, just so he could pop another button or two. . . Yeah, they'd known she'd probably kill them when she realized, but. . . It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Even Now, Soujiro and Akira found themselves profoundly unrepentant.

"Oooh! You!" Tsukushi spluttered, looking down at her half-open shirt, "I'm going to kill you!."

"Good luck." Akira laughed, splashing a flume of water her way.

Back on the shore, Tsukasa was reduced to watching bemusement as the three shady shapes in the pool initiated a new brief volley of attack and counterattack. He was completely unprepared when a spray of water found itself directed at him, as if to include him in the war that his injury had forced him to sit out. 

"Fuck!" He yelled, as he suddenly found himself drenched, "Asshole!"

"Sorry!" This was actually Tsukushi who responded, laughing too hard to sound even remotely apologetic. Somewhere in the dark beyond her, Akira and Soujiro giggled, happy to see Makino's tension dissipating again like mist in the cool air as they fooled around.

"All right, Makino." Akira laughed, coming up behind the dripping girl, "No more fighting for you. You're not allowed to attack the invalid."

"Even if he deserves it." Soujiro added.

"Right." Akira agreed, "Come on, Makino. You need to get to bed." _Before you get upset again, _he added privately to himself, annoyed at the way Tsukasa's presence had so quickly undone all of his and Soujiro's earlier efforts. With these words, he steered Tsukushi to the shore and hoisted her back onto solid ground.

"Thanks guys." Tsukushi flashed a grateful grin at each of the playboys in turn, her bright smile seeming to light up the night. But, Akira noticed that there was something sinister about her smile, and he shot Soujiro a worried look, just as Tsukushi emitted a triumphant "Aha!" . . . She'd found the playboys' neatly piled clothes and towels.

"Hey Wait! Makino!" Soujiro called plaintively, as Tsukushi wrapped their towels around herself and scooped up their clothes in her arms. 

"Sorry Guys!" she grinned cheekily, "You got my pajamas wet, so I'm stealing yours."

'What? Hey!"

"Noo!"

"Makino, it's cold out here!"

"'Night guys!" and she was gone.

Even Tsukasa had to let out a small snicker at his friends' predicament.

"Bah." Akira frowned, but made no attempt to go retrieve their stolen belongings. Nor did Soujiro. Instead, as if acting on some hidden signal, the two boys moved closer to Doumyouji and settled themselves comfortably in the warm water on either side of his feet. "Ok, Tsukasa," Akira began, "We need to talk."

"Huh?" Tsukasa turned to regard Akira in confusion. He'd just realized that somehow he'd let the object of his search out here slip away. And he had no idea why his friends, who had been laughing just a few seconds before, now sounded so deadly serious. "What about?"

"Why was Makino crying?" Soujiro explained patiently from his other side.

"What? Why should I know?"

"She was last with you, wasn't she?"

"So?"

"So. . ." Akira took a deep breath, "Makino Never cries."

"Never used to, anyway." Soujiro interrupted.

"At least, Not in Public."

"She yells."

"She argues."

"She hits really hard."

"But she doesn't cry."

"It's weird. We don't like it." Soujiro stated flatly.

"So what did you do to upset her?"

"Geez!" Tsukasa grumbled, "What's up with you two? Why are you acting all weird and shit? She's just a girl. What's with the overprotective act? Since when do you care about a crying chick? Soujiro, you make the girls cry all the time."

"That's different."

"This is Makino. She's not just another chick."

"She's one of us."

"Admit it, you feel it too. Even if you can't remember her, you know she's different. So. What did you do?"

"Nothing you haven't done to a million girls! All I did was kiss her!" Tsukasa could feel his face getting red. . . In the silence that ensued, he could almost have sworn he could hear the gears clicking in his friends' brains as they pondered this news.

". . . Why?" Akira asked at last.

"Why what?"

"Why did you kiss her? Did you remember something?"

". . .No."

"Then? . . ."

"None of your business!" Tsukasa protested violently. No way in hell was he going to tell them that he wanted to see if it did jog memories, if it was familiar . . And it had been. . . But now he didn't know what to do with that information.

"God, Tsukasa. You're such an asshole." Soujiro sighed, rubbing a hand across his aching forehead, "Are you trying to make the situation worse then it already is?"

"No!" Tsukasa glared at the man sitting next to him.

"Well it sure doesn't sound that way!" Akira snapped back. At the rate Tsukasa was flipping his glare from one of the boys to the other, he was going to give himself whiplash.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Tsukasa was angry and confused, and he really didn't appreciate wasting what could be the last few days of his life getting yelled at by his friends.

"You want to explain it to him?" Akira suggested.

"Sure. . . Ok, Tsukasa, it's like this." Soujiro began. "Makino is our friend. We'd like to think we know her pretty well. Not as well as Rui, perhaps, or you (when you had all your memories), but we're not stupid. . . We do know some things."

"Especially about women."

"Exactly. So, Makino, you see, doesn't believe in showing weakness. Not in public, and certainly not to us."

". . . Rui's the only exception to that."

"Stop interrupting. You sure you want me to tell this? Anyway, You fight with her and she yells right back. Neither of you ever apologize."

"Ever."

"We've never once heard either of you apologize when you fucked up. No matter how severely. For you, that seemed ok. You both have too much pride, or stubbornness. . ."

". . . But."

"Stop interrupting, Akira! But, that's Makino's strength. She doesn't have money. She's not that smart, she's not particularly cute, she's not at all devious. She's just a good person who's very stubborn and strong."

"So?" Tsukasa was thoroughly at a loss as to where this was going.

"So. She doesn't cry. Not in public."

"She doesn't apologize either. Not to you."

"She's done both today."

"So we're worried."

"Excuse me. I'm the one who's bleeding here!" Tsukasa whined petulantly, "Aren't you worried about the wrong person?"

"Shut up and listen." Akira snapped, "This is for your own good." At the same time, Soujiro dismissed Tsukasa's complaint with, 

"You're strong as an ox. You'll be fine." Neither wanted to admit that Tsukasa might not be all right, and so they blinded themselves to the severity of his condition.

"Makino, on the other hand, is falling apart. She feels like she's let down not just you, but herself as well."

"She wasn't true to her heart." Soujiro murmured bitterly, as if he knew what that felt like.

"But it's worse than that. She went to Rui, trying to find stability. And now, because she can't forget you, she feels she's disappointed him as well."

"To put it bluntly,." Soujiro interrupted again, "Her self confidence is shot. The absolute fucking last thing she needs is to have you rubbing it what a fool she's been! Do you think she needs hat kind of shit? Do you think she doesn't realize it already? She's not that stupid you know! Do you want her to be miserable?"

"And we don't care if you don't remember a damned thing! That's no excuse to attack her. She's already not eating, not sleeping. She hardly ever laughs any more. And then you. . . . You don't even know her anymore. . .you go and kiss her? What the fuck were you thinking?" Akira sounded really pissed off. "God, Tsukasa, you're a moron."

Tsukasa just looked unrepentant. They didn't understand, they weren't there. They didn't know what he was going through. They had no right to dictate behavior to him, no right to inflict Makino's life story on him. . . But then, maybe this irritation welling up inside was just his guilty conscience protesting the truth behind their heated words.

"Look." Soujiro was a bit more conciliatory. "You have to understand women."

"I've heard this speech before, haven't I?" Tsukasa frowned sarcastically, "Isn't it the 'A woman is like a vase -- she longs to be filled,' speech?"

"No, No" Soujiro protested, "Though that is true too. What I was going to say, is that women need to be pampered, reassured."

"They need validation."

"Tenderness."

"In the case of Makino, here, no one is reassuring her. Rui doesn't exactly know how."

"And besides, everything he does reminds her just how she screwed up."

'Exactly, and Sakurako is angry with her, Shigeru is disappointed."

"The only ones supporting her are Akira and me."

"And she doesn't take up seriously, so that doesn't work so well."

"So really, would it be that hard for you to just try?"

"Not to be accusing her of betrayal."

"Not to kiss her unless you mean it."

"To be a little more understanding."

'A little more forgiving."

"To be a little nicer to her."

"We know you're capable of it. . ."

"Don't tell me how to behave!" Tsukasa roared suddenly, fighting the urge to punch his friends. Their patter was really starting to get to him, poking, prodding, making him feel guilty; like he'd done something wrong; like he wasn't the injured party here. Or maybe, that was just his subconscious agreeing with them, telling him to do what he was told. An insidious voice in the back of his head, asking, _Wouldn't it be worth it to see Makino's face wearing a smile instead of covered in tears?_

Wouldn't that be a sight worth living for?

Sensing that they'd somehow gotten through to Doumyouji. Akira and Soujiro ceased their chatter and sat in pensive silence for a while before helping Tsukasa regain his feet and begin the long (and extremely cold for the two erstwhile bathers) trek back to the house. 

To be continued.


	23. just go to sleep already!

Tsukasa limped painfully down the darkened hallway. It had been a long walk back to the house, even with the support of his two friends, and now, he found he could hardly walk far enough to reach his bedroom. Groaning, Tsukasa leaned back against the wall, letting its reassuring solidity support him, It was going to be a long night, with only an uncertain future awaiting him in the morning. Perhaps he would've torn out his stitches again during the night, perhaps sepsis would set in. . . or maybe, there could still be the remote possibility that the ragged edges would start to close, the flesh knitting in on itself as his body sought to heal itself. Possible. . .But. . . doubtful. And Tsukasa refused to give in to foolish hope.

As he leaned up against the wall, listening to the uneven beating of his heart, Tsukasa felt overcome, as if the past day had been too much for him. He couldn't take all the revelations, all the fights, all the lectures, much longer. He just wanted everything to go away, like it had when he'd been totally amnesiac-- to leave him in peace. . .. It would have been so much simple to die then, slipping away easily, without a fight, just him and his pain. But now. . . Now he didn't want to. Now there were these. . . unresolved issues; this thing with Makino, this falling out with Rui. . . . Nothing was stable, nothing made sense. His head hurt almost as much as his side.

It was in this reflective frame of mind that Tsukasa became aware of a soft sighing nearby. His curiosity got the best of him, and he pushed away from the wall heading for the source of the noise.

Well duh. He grunted; a door. A bedroom door. Someone was sleeping or snoring. Nothing of interest. Still, as if obeying some secret command from his unconscious mind, Tsukasa's hand reached out to slide the door open, just the tiniest crack. 

Inside, he could just make out the shape of the bed against the blackness, and the figures sprawled in sleep across it. Of course, he Would have to be drawn to the room containing Makino and Rui. Makino was curled tightly up, at the very edge of the bed-- almost falling out of it. Her jaw was clenched and her expression melancholy as she dreamed. It was her that he'd heard sighing just a few seconds before. Rui lay nearby, his long limbs flung across the bed with abandon. You'd think that, sharing a bed would be an intimate activity, at least in terms of physical proximity, if nothing else, but even a thick-skulled observer like Tsukasa could see that these two sleepers here weren't really united; that they held themselves apart as if afraid to touch, afraid to presume too much upon personal boundaries. Not the way a true couple should be.

And even as Tsukasa watched, Tsukushi let out another soft sigh; almost a groan, as a spasm almost like pain flashed across her sleeping face. And then, she spoke. It was hardly a whisper, but still it carried to Doumyouji's ears,

"Tsukasa. . ."

Doumyouji started, was she awake? Did she realize he was here? But no. . . It was just a dream. She said nothing more, but seemed to curl in tighter upon herself, if such a thing were even possible, her face contorted in a grimace of pain more mental than physical. 

Tsukasa felt a wrench tug at his heart, a wave of dizziness passing over him. He wished he could do something to make that look vanish, to see her smile again. It wasn't a cerebral response, but something solely instinctual, arising from deep in his gut like a flash of revelation. If he could, he would do anything in his power to erase the sadness creasing her small face, to cause her fists to unclench, and her spine to uncurl; to pry her open like a flower in the sun, her smile the only glory the world needed. 

But the moment passed. In the room, Rui rolled over, enfolding Tsukushi's small form into his embrace as if to shield her from the demons that tormented her, or as if to remind her of whom it was she really shared this bed, Not Doumyouji Tsukasa, the man who refused to remember her, but Hanazawa Rui, the man who would never be able to forget.

And as his view of Tsukushi became obscured by Rui's bulk, Tsukasa once more found his epiphany evaporating as rapidly as it had come. There was just a room, and his friends, and here was only him, tired and sore, but possessed no longer of overriding goals and needs relating to That girl, or Any girl. Simply himself, alone in his splendid, self-pitying isolation. 

Even as Tsukasa swayed wearily, as if losing the last shred of his strength along with the vanished epiphany, an arm reached out from behind him to slide the door softly shut, and provide a shoulder to Tsukasa to lean on.

"Dude." Akira chided gently, as Tsukasa lost sight of Rui and Tsukushi, "You weren't meant to see that."

"But she cried my name." Tsukasa protested, almost pleading with Akira to bring back the feeling of strength and need he had so recently felt.

"Of course she did" Akira shrugged and put an arm around Tsukasa's back, helping him to limp, at long last, to his own bed. "Her mind and her heart are at war. That doesn't make for peaceful sleep." He shot Tsukasa a sharp look, as he helped him to climb into bed, "You should know what that's like after all."

"Huh?"

"You haven't slept well in weeks, have you?"

"Well, no. . . but." Tsukasa gestured at his side, as if that explained everything.

"It's more than that." Akira sighed, hating the fact that he got stuck with Tsukasa duty again, explaining fundamentally obvious realities to his ever-clueless friend. But someone had to force a few things through his dense skull before it was too late for any of this to do any good. Tiredly, he pulled up a chair and leaned back, as if trying to think of the proper way to phrase this. . . "OK. It's like this. You've got your conscious mind, and you've got your subconscious, right?"

"Uhh. . ."

"The answer is 'Yes.' Dude. Just go with it." Akira rubbed his temples in exasperation, "Your subconscious is really influenced by your body. Right? So like, take the case of Soujiro, for example, his subconscious mind, says, 'Hey look a hot girl, I bet she'd be a great lay." Luckily for him, his conscious is in total agreement, and it says, "Hell's yeah, let's buy her a drink, and find out." And that makes sense, and he sleeps well at night. You, on the other hand, are totally fucked up."

"Hey!" Tsukasa really resented being compared to the irresponsible playboy, and faring poorly in the comparison at that!

"Well look at you, dude!" Akira's voice rose a notch, "Your amnesia is totally mental! The doctors said your brain was fine! You only don't remember because your conscious mind doesn't want to remember! You can't tell me that's not fucked up! You could remember any time you so chose, but you don't want to. You're afraid! You're wallowing in self -pity and fear like little kid. Geez. . . "

"Akira. . . " Tsukasa growled dangerously. If he weren't so weak, his friend wouldn't dare insult him so to his face. He would pay later. . . Besides, Tsukasa was remembering. Just a trickle at a time. . . but it was something. . . And no one could call the great Doumyouji Tsukasa a coward. Not and get away with it!

"Anyway. . . the point is. . ." Akira continued more reasonably, recognizing the implicit threat in Tsukasa's tome, "Your brain may not remember. . .but your body can't forget. . . .You can't help responding to familiar cues. And you don't even know you're doing it. . . "

"And that's why I can't sleep?" Tsukasa asked incredulously, "What a stupid theory."

"Hey! It's not stupid!" Akira returned angrily, "Think about it like this! Thought was never your strong point anyway!" (He quickly scooted his chair out of Tsukasa's reach, ". . . so why let it ruin your life? Let your physical instinct take control. You might start to remember if you let your subconscious rule instead of your conscious."

"As I recall, you lectured me for doing that, already this evening." Tsukasa glowered remembering the lecture he'd just received for kissing Makino.

"Err. . Umm. . ." Akira struggled, trying to think his way out of the corner he'd painted himself into. 

"Oh fuck it!" Tsukasa exclaimed at last, when Akira failed to spit out a coherent excuse, "You talk too much! I can't listen to anymore of your shit. I'm going to sleep. Get out!"

But even long after Akira had gone, Tsukasa couldn't help hearing his friend's words rattling around in his skull, _If you want to remember, you'll let your subconscious rule. . ._ Well. . . it couldn't hurt to try. . . 

If only he knew exactly what the hell that piece of advice actually meant. . .

To be continued.

~~~eh. Sorry for slow updates on all my fics. I didn't feel like writing this week. And I know this chapter has no plot. But I couldn't get it out of my head. Who needs plot anyway? Deal.~~~


	24. a new day brings fashion cavils

Rui drifted up from a deep slumber, letting his sleep-fogged brain slowly gain awareness. He felt as tired and grey as the morning fog outside the window. Tsukushi lay enfolded in the circle of his arms, a restless dreamer at best; a sleepless sufferer who needed him. He was well aware that she'd vanished from his bed early in the night, and when she'd returned, sometime after midnight, her sleep was no less troubled than before. His fault, he knew. His and Tsukasa's. But it was hard to blame Tsukasa -- after all, that boy had always been a fool; it would be folly to expect any better from him now. Whereas, he, Rui, should have acted with the intelligence and reserve that his friends expected from him. Oh yes, he knew they blamed him too --- blamed him for making Tsukushi hurt more than she already did. 

He could not deny that they were right. He'd fucked up royally, and nothing he could do or say would make her happy ever again. He had failed her, and now, it was only his own need and selfishness that kept him by her side.

At least he was honest enough to admit that, if only to himself.

And Rui wondered, what would happen, if he left her, if he got out of this bed now, and told her that they should no longer be a couple (such as they were), that she'd be better off without him? Would it hurt her more, or would it be a relief to be free of his attentions? Even he no longer knew, and he wasn't willing to risk finding out. Not yet.

He could afford to cater to his own self-indulgence just a little while longer, couldn't he? 

Rui finally allowed himself to open his eyes-- to take in the sight of the girl who'd turned his life upside down -- Tsukushi Makino. . . . his eyes widened as he took in her sleep-disheveled state . . . And the fact that she was wearing Akira's T shirt. . . And. . . Were those Soujiro's boxers?

He snapped awake in an instant. What the hell was going on here? When she'd come to bed, she was wearing her pajamas -- how and why had she come by these?

"Tsukushi?" he murmured into the sleeping girl's hair.

"Mmmm?" was her incoherent reply as his voice slowly entered her awareness.

"Why are you wearing Nishikado's underwear?"

Tsukushi paused drowsily, as if her half-awake brain couldn't quite process the question properly. Then, quite decisively, an answer formed, as she rolled over to face his questioning eyes. "Spoils of victory." She flashed a quick, almost-real grin up at him, "I'm starving, what's for breakfast?"

Just as confused as before, Rui sighed stoically, "haven't the faintest. Shall we go see/"

"Yeah!"

Slowly Tsukushi sat up, leaving Rui disappointed by the loss of her body next to his. "I smell coffee."

"Yech."

"Snob! I wonder who's up before us?" Hastily Tsukushi finished the ritual of putting bare feet down on chilly floors. "Let's go."

Rui sighed, and followed her to the kitchen. At least the small girl seemed in better spirits today despite her restless sleep. He would've bet money it must've had something to do with whatever incident it had been when she'd gained the F2's clothing. 

----------

"Morning Tsukushi!" Shigeru gushed brightly, as Tsukushi stumbled into the kitchen, followed closely behind by Rui.

"Hey, we were just waiting for you!" Akira, looking less than fully awake, slumped at the kitchen table, gamely clutching a full mug of coffee.

"Yeah, we demand a rematch." Soujiro didn't even look up from his mug, as he continued, the leer evident in his voice, "I'd like to see you try and squirm away, then."

Rui just looked confused, as Tsukushi laughed, "Not a chance. Unless you made me breakfast?"

"Is food the only thing you think about?" Having been awakened by the smell of fresh coffee, Doumyouji had finally made his way to the kitchen,

". . It's. . . It's better than the other options." Tsukushi murmured, her smile evaporating as quickly as it had appeared.

Soujiro hastened to intervene, before anything more hurtful was said, "Makino -- can we have our clothes back now?" His lifted eyebrow directed pointedly at the boxers she still wore.

"Not that you don't look absolutely stunning in our underwear. . . " Akira teased, grinning cheekily at the embarrassed blush spreading across Tsukushi's cheek.

"You. . .you. . " she stammered, "My clothes were ruined! I had to wear something!"

"Or, perhaps you just wanted to enjoy the association of something worm so close to our skin." Soujiro leered, "It's totally understandable. Many of my girlfriends felt the same way about those very boxers you have on now. Ahh. . . that brings back memories." Absently, he began to tick names off on his fingers, recalling women past and gone. 

"She looked better in my clothes." The flat assertion startled everyone, including Doumyouji, whose mouth had just uttered those words unbidden.

"Really?" Akira turned wide eyes towards Tsukasa, as did every other soul in the room. "Did you remember something?! Tell us!"

"What? . . . No." Tsukasa blinked in confusion, his face wrinkling as he concentrated. Where had those words come from, when he couldn't even access the memory that had inspired them. But they resonated, he knew they did; knew that what he'd said was true, in his own mind at least -- she had looked better dressed in his old cast-offs, smelling of him, immersed in him. The memory was gone, but somehow the feeling remained. Or, perhaps it had only just now returned. Makino should not be parading around in any other man's clothes but his. That's all there was to it.

But as Doumyouji looked up, the wordless resolve hardening his eyes, he chanced to encounter Rui's glare, fixated on Tsukushi with a daunting kind of concentration. With a start, he recognized that look. It was the exact same expression creasing his own features. A look that said. 'She's mine, and I want the world to know it. This travesty here now is Wrong.' At least Rui had the memories to back up his desire. . .Tsukasa had naught but fragments, and his resolve faltered and fell away in a shower of doubt.

Meanwhile, Tsukushi was busy blushing and stammering under the queries of the eager playboys. The event that Tsukasa had not quite managed to remember, had been tumultuous, bittersweet, embarrassing as all hell. The day she'd sneaked into his mansion, borrowing his clothes after hers had been ruined crawling under shrubbery. The tension falling thick in the air, expectation and desire sparking. Passion, and fear. Moving too fast, afraid of losing her innocence, of giving too much, too soon. Tears and pleas, and the horrible humiliation of being walked in on -- and of being glad of the interruption. . . If only someone had interrupted her and Rui in their folly. . . But that was a regret she could not afford to have. No, now all she could do, was hug Akira's T-shirt tighter about her scrawny chest, and pretend that everything was all right. She was surrounded by her friends now, wrapped all around in the soothing patter of their voices, their warm scent close about her skin like the comforting embrace of a brother. They refused to pass judgement on her, they teased and flirted, and they listened. . .

As Tsukushi gave into their cajoling laughter, and recounted her memory, half hoping that the tale would spark something more inside Tsukasa's locked-in brain, she realized that the boys-- Akira and Soujiro-- they were all that kept her grounded. All that kept her from being carried away with Rui's longing and deep passions, all that kept her from losing herself in Tsukasa's painful needs and desperate attempts at salvation.

__

This is what friendship is, and these are the times that really matter No matter what happens, she thought, _no matter how things turn out between Tsukasa and Rui and I, we will always remember these days here in the mountains, and the way things changed between us. It may not always be good, but it is always real. There is no falseness here_ _. _

There was a kind of comfort in that, and Tsukushi summoned up a smile for both Rui and Tsukasa, as well as the rest of her friends, as she went about piling food on her plate, and set to eating breakfast with a will.

TBC.

~~~Yeah, it's a short chapter, but it's more important than it may seem at first glance. (hey look, I updated 2 fics in two days, I'm so unjustifiably proud of myself for actually finishing a chapter whose first paragraph has been lurking on my hard drive for months. Pathetic.) ~cm~


	25. progress of sorts

The morning fog petulantly refused to burn off, despite the combined effort of Tsukushi and Shigeru to act like surrogate suns. The damp and gloom seemed to settle itself deep into Doumyouji's bones, and he twitched irritably in his chair. Chills and aches niggled at the edge of his consciousness, no matter how he shifted. He feared he was contracting a fever. Unfortunately, the poor doctor, who'd spent much of the previous day cowering in the servant's quarters from the drama and the angst of the hyperactive and moody youngsters, agreed with Doumyouji's diagnosis.  
  
"You've got a bit of suppuration, there," he murmured analytically, as he unwrapped the previous day's bandages from Tsukasa's side. "I'm going to have to clean that out. . . And how did you pop another stitch?" Try though he might, he was unable to hide the exasperation in his tone, and he cringed from the expected blast of Doumyouji-rage. Unexpectedly, Tsukasa didn't rise to the bait.  
  
"Walking." Was his tight-lipped reply.  
  
"Well, you won't be doing any of that today, that's certain." The doctor sniffed. "On the plus side, here, where you haven't ripped your stitches, I do see some signs of tissue regeneration. But you're still bleeding over here. And if you're not careful, you're going to end up with a full blown case of sepsis." He glanced sharply up at the sweating boy, "And that can be fatal, you know. . . . See here, I'm going to drain the infection, restitch this gap, and start you on oral antibiotics. By all rights, young man, you should never have left the hospital. We could have you back in Tokyo, under sterile conditions, with a proper IV drip in an hour. . . I'd be much more confident of your safe recovery then,"  
  
"No." Tsukasa growled, "And don't you dare call my mother, or fever or not, I'm walking out that door and leaving this place for somewhere they'll never find me."  
  
The doctor paused, torn between his desire to give the best possible care, and the threat that his recalcitrant patent might do himself further injury by running away.  
  
"We'll make sure he doesn't move from this spot!" Akira piped up from where he'd been lounging on the couch.  
  
"Yeah, though we might have to tie him down to do it!" Soujiro agreed.  
  
"Well then." The doctor looked more than a little dubious. But this was probably the best option in a bad situation. So be it.  
  
------  
  
Much like the first day up at the retreat, the morning dragged on wearily for Tsukasa. He was a creature of movement and restless energy. This state of enervation and forced lassitude didn't suit him at all. But what could he do? The fever sapped his strength, as the aching pain in his side reminded him of what a poor idea movement was. His friends kept him company in rotating shifts, first Akira and Soujiro, whose casual banter had all the telltale signs of trying too hard. These two were succeeded by Sakurako, who flounced into the room with an unmistakable air of disapproval.  
  
"You've got problems." She came straight to the point.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock." Tsukasa tried to fume, but in his current state, a growl sounded more like a plea for help.  
  
"I wasn't talking about your health, dumbass." Sakurako sniffed, "Unless perhaps we're talking about your mental health. Physically, whatever, you're a brute, or at least, you used to be. So stop being such a pansy and pull yourself together! My god man, your problem is entirely mental. Fix that, and your body will fucking fix itself!"  
  
Tsukasa's eyes widened at Sakurako's tone. (not to mention the fact that her advice echoed similar word of Makino's from the previous day). Looking over at her, he realized that she seriously was pissed off -- her pretty cheeks flushed with rage, her eyes sparkling with anger. Why was everyone pissed off at him all the time? Why did they all assume everything was his fault? Tsukasa could feel his spine stiffen defensively, even as Sakurako continued.  
  
"I've been watching you, you know. I'm good at that, in case you hadn't remembered-- watching you that is," she snorted delicately, "I've had plenty of practice over the years, after all. I saw you and Shigeru last night, your little tete a tete on the porch. And I was awake later last night too -- you think I didn't hear you and Tsukushi? I passed up on my beauty sleep, you know, that's why I'm such a wreck today. And I heard you this morning at breakfast. You've got problems, Doumyouji Tsukasa! Your head just isn't screwed on right."  
  
"What the fuck?" Tsukasa rasped, "Why the hell are you all against me? And what the fuck does Monkey-girl have to do with anything?"  
  
"Dumb as a brick, as ever." Sakurako sighed, "Sometimes I don't know why we bother. Tell me, what were you and Shigeru talking about last night, there in the dark, your heads so close together? Do you think you're not encouraging her, setting her up for a fall? You know she has a thing for you, but you're confused, you don't know what you want. For fucks' sake, Tsukasa! You were kissing me a few days ago! Now you may as well be trysting with Shigeru in the in-between times that you're not confusing the hell out of Tsukushi! And I for one, would like to know what the hell is going through your teensy little mind!"  
  
"Trysting with Shigeru?" Tsukasa murmured, confused, "It wasn't like that -- I had .. . .I had a dizzy spell. And we talked."  
  
"You encouraged her!"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about! I have no interest in that monkey- girl."  
  
"No, no, of course not." Sakurako sneered. "And Tsukushi?"  
  
"She. . . I don't know!" Tsukasa cursed explosively, "You think I like having amnesia!?"  
  
"You know more than you're admitting though." Trust sly, sneaky Sakurako to know when the full truth was being concealed, "Spit it out. What have you remembered?"  
  
"None of your business!"  
  
"Everything is my business." Sakurako replied with utter self-assurance. "Especially as it concerns you being an ass with your friends. Like I said, you gotta get your brain sorted out, and the rest will follow. Bad thoughts will turn you ugly, and no one wants that."  
  
"How am I supposed to sort any of this out?" Tsukasa's voice shook with frustration, "Nothing makes any sense to me! I've got these fragments of memory, a few images, some random bits and pieces here and there, you know? They come back like someone beating me on the head with hammers, like I'm falling into a black hole, like being electrocuted! You think that's fun? And what I do remember? It's always her, her, her. Makino! Crying, yelling, bruised and bloody! And tears, endless tears! Why the hell do girls cry so much, and why is that all I remember?" At the same time, here, you know, I'm in the middle of another fucked up drama! What the hell am I supposed to think when that same girl shows up dating Rui, my best friend. But claiming it's me she loved. And again, there's yelling and tears! You know? Last night, you said you heard -- so I kissed her, it seemed like the thing to do, It felt right! Like kissing you, was almost right, but not quite. . . that was right, it was familiar! But how can it be right, how come it felt so . . natural, when all I remember is tears and pain! It makes no sense. And It's no wonder I don't want to remember it! But then, on the other hand, all my friends are picking at me, telling me to do this, don't do that, like they all know what's best for me, and for her? How can they, how can you, know the right thing? You're not me! You haven't lived through what I have!"  
  
"You don't even know what you've lived through." Sakurako scoffed, "I do. So quit being such a spoiled whiner. Sometimes, even I have to admit that Tsukushi was right about you. Spoiled all your life, used to having people cringe and bow, and do exactly s you told them; thinking you were special, lording it over all. Tsukushi changed all that once. But now here you are, back at it again. It makes me sick!"  
  
Again, Tsukasa snapped back in his chair, her word hitting him with the force of a slap in the face. She sounded exactly like Tsukushi. Again. telling him he was too spoiled to live, just as she had. But he'd show them. He'd told Makino, before the returning memories had started to sap his strength again, that he could be stronger than your average hot-house flower, that he would survive. Telling Sakurako now would be a waste of words. No, he had to show her, show them all, that he wasn't just a whiner; that he would recover physically, and mentally; and that he would make sense of his feelings, he would know just what to do, and he'd do it. They didn't understand, his words could not explain, and so, he'd have to demonstrate. . .Yes, that's it, no more questions, he, the Almighty Doumyouji Tsukasa had always hated being questioned. So why should he question himself? Screw memory, who needed it anyway? He'd gotten through life thus far with no head for languages, already proving his defective mental capacities, but had that stopped him? Hells no! Why should such a thing as memory?  
  
Instinct, that was it, instinct and action. That was the key. It had never let him down before.  
  
So be it.  
  
Doumyouji relaxed back in his chair, for what felt like the first time in months. In a few seconds, everything had become crystalline clear, and he no longer worried about what had been, what might have been, or what might yet come to be. There was only now. And now, it was time to sleep; time to regain his strength; time to led modern medicine finish the job it had started. All else would follow from that.  
  
Sakurako watched in stunned disbelief as Doumyouji broke off from their argument to rest his head back on the overstuffed cushioned.  
  
"I think I'll sleep now." He explained without opening his eyes. And it was true, within a few minutes his pained features had relaxed finally into the simple serenity of a child.  
  
"Mission accomplished?" Sakurako muttered to herself questioningly, when it became obvious that Tsukasa really wasn't going to wake up anytime soon. "Right then, On to the next victim. Tsukushi or Rui? . . . Guess I'd better flip a coin. . . ." and so saying she stood up, primly dusting off imaginary dust from her skirt, and headed out for the mist-shrouded gardens outside.  
  
TBC. 


	26. the fog has ears

"Hey! Wait up!" Tsukushi turned around at the sound of Sakurako's cry. Even Rui, walking next to her in the fog-shrouded garden, paused for a moment in response to the younger girl's plea.  
  
"Hey, Sakurako. What is it?" Tsukushi asked with a worried frown as Sakurako finally caught up.  
  
"Ah! We've been looking all over for you!" Sakurako was too-well mannered to pant her message breathlessly, despite her appearance of haste. (Of course, Tsukushi had no way to tell that that's all it was -- an appearance put on by the ever-sneaky girl.)  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"Shigeru needs to talk to you . . . You know, girl stuff." She added, with a wary glance at Rui, "She said it was important. . ."  
  
"Are you sure?" Rui asked skeptically. He had been trying to have a conversation with Tsukushi, and he didn't appreciate being interrupted by anyone, much less Sakurako.  
  
"Of course I'm sure! And you're not invited, so why don't you come with me, while Tsukushi goes and talks to Shigeru." Not waiting for an answer, Sakurako latched on to Rui's arm and started none-too-subtly to drag him off, calling out over her shoulder "She's off that way," to a very confused Tsukushi.  
  
Shrugging her shoulders in resignation, Tsukushi turned back down the path. It was probably just as well, she reflected. After all, her 'Conversation' with Rui was going absolutely nowhere. It was both painful and frustrating to try to keep her promises to him, when she felt that she wasn't being true to herself. And his quiet melancholy, as if he knew the cause of her discontent already, wasn't helping anything.  
  
"Of course he knows!" she grumbled in frustration, "He's always known!" That didn't help matters either. Why couldn't he be a bit more like Tsukasa in this, a bit more thickskulled, a bit more blind, when it came to reading her moods? Then this farce, for a farce it was, of a relationship, might at least make one of its participants happy, as it had originally been intended to do. But no. Rui was too perceptive, and she was too transparent, so why did they even pretend anymore? "Oh to Hell with it!" Tsukushi kicked the gravel path. Now, it seemed, even her primary comfort from Rui-- his calm air of stability and peace-- had been banished by this huge mistake. "I guess I'm already in hell, huh?" she mused to the silent mists. Hell Couldn't get much more fucked up than this, after all.  
  
"Now don't say that, Makino!" the cheerful voice emanating from the dense fog on her right, almost made her jump off the path; apparently, she wasn't as alone as she'd thought, "How can you be in hell, when you've got such sexy companions as us?"  
  
"Nishikado?" She didn't know whether to be upset that he'd over heard her ramblings, or pleased by the welcome distraction. How the hell, did he and Akira always know just when she needed to see their grinning faces?  
  
"Aww, Tsukushi, where have you been hiding all morning? We wanted a rematch for last night."  
  
"I haven't been hiding . . .I've been with Rui." She ignored the last suggestion, "Have you seen Shigeru? Sakurako told me she was looking for me."  
  
"Sure." Soujiro, grinned a slow secretive little smile, before continuing, "Let me show you where she is, you'll never find her in this fog by yourself."  
  
"What? I don't need help -- just tell me!" Tsukushi protested vehemently. What, did they think she was a child who needed to be shepherded everywhere?  
  
"Uh-uh." He shook his head again, teasingly slipped his arm around her waist, as if to lead her off. As expected, Tsukushi jumped and slapped at him (Some things never change,) but ultimately allowed him to show her the way to Shigeru.  
  
Of course, there was a reason for Soujiro's presence, and the way he shushed Tsukushi as they grew nearer to their destination, for Shigeru, and Akira as well, were crouched down behind a large, moss-encrusted boulder, listening intently to mist-muffled voices nearby.  
  
"What is going on here!?" Tsukushi just barely had enough presence of mind to whisper her outrage rather than squawk it.  
  
"Tsukasa's asleep, so we're eavesdropping!" Akira explained, pulling her down next to him, as Soujiro lowered himself to a squat nearby.  
  
"On what? . . . Oh." Tsukushi frowned in disapproval as realization dawned.  
  
"Yup! And you're just in time."  
  
"I gotta go." Tsukushi shook her head.  
  
"No way!" Shigeru protested, and grabbed her friend's arm, "You don't want to miss this!"  
  
"Yes I do! I shouldn't listen in. . ."  
  
"Hell with that, it'll be good for you." Akira cut in, "Come on, quiet down, before he hears you."  
  
". . .Serve you right if he did." Tsukushi grumbled, but ceased her protests anyway. What harm could it really do to listen just for a little while?  
  
Sakurako and Rui stood a short distance away, damp and invisible in the heavy mountain mists, their voices muffled and barely audible through the dense water vapor. The four eavesdroppers listened intently, ignoring the damp seeping into their pants from the ground, or the water dripping from sodden trees onto their upturned faces.  
  
"Listen Hanazawa Rui," Sakurako was saying, "I know you don't like me much. No, don't interrupt. I can tell by the way you look at me, but so what? You're not my type either, and that's not the point anyway. I have advice for you. Don't try to blow me off. You will listen now, and you will listen Well, because I'm not through with you.  
  
"Yeah, that glare of yours works well with everyone else, doesn't it? Makes you feel powerful and superior doesn't it? To stand there silently, and pretend you know it all. Hah. I watched you for years, Hanazawa Rui, year. You and Tsukasa, and the rest of the F4, and you're all just as human as everyone else, no better than I am."  
  
". . ." Rui's quiet reply was too low to be distinguished by the listeners, but Sakurako's shrill and angry reply certainly was.  
  
"Sneaky and underhanded I may be, but can you really say you're any better, sleeping with your best friend's girlfriend?"  
  
"So that's what this is all about."  
  
"Of course. What else? Look here. Do you know why It's me that's, talking to you now, and not Mimasaka or Soujiro? Or even Shigeru?"  
  
"Akira and Soujiro tried to have a "Talk" with me yesterday." Rui shrugged, "It's none of their business, nor yours either. This is between Tsukushi, Tsukasa, and I."  
  
"Yeah, and you all are acting like such responsible people about it too!" Sakurako snorted. "No, I'm here, because You and I are very similar in that way. Oh don't look so disgusted. You know it's true. I know you were in France at the time, but I'm sure you've heard the story. Let me refresh your memory a little.  
  
"I'd had a thing for Doumyouji since we were little. Call it love, call it hate. I wanted him. I changed my face for him, I learned to seduce and lie, how to manipulate men, their hearts, their 'brains' --what males use for a brain anyway -- and I wanted Doumyouji. Just one thing stood in my way, or so I thought. A confused, girl, stubborn and angry, who didn't even realize she was just as in love with him as I was. Easy to dispose of, I thought. Get into her good graces, and then a little jealousy, a little trickery, and he'd be mine. Stealing my best -- my only -- friend's boyfriend. And she didn't even realize, until it was far too late, that it was I who broke the trust between them. After that, though I betrayed her more and more, she still protected me. You know, Tsukushi's the only person I know who'd do something like that. And though I failed in my attempt, failed to seduce Tsukasa, it wasn't for lack of trying. You never had to try as hard as I, though did you? Despair is a far easier thing to manipulate than jealousy. But my story is not really the point. I betrayed my best friend's trust. I tried to have her killed, so that I could steal her boyfriend. Whoop de fuck. You didn't try to have Tsukasa killed, I'll give you that.  
  
"Don't interrupt! The real point is something different. You see, there came a moment in that fiasco; Tsukushi was somewhere being tortured by our ever-so-wonderful Eitoku classmates, and I, I was holed up with Tsukasa in a hotel room, trying my level best to get him into bed. And I could see it in his eye, see it that he was fighting with himself, he wanted to go along, as if to punish Tsukushi for her imaginary betrayal. But the stronger part knew that he didn't belong there, that he wanted no part of the comfort I offered him. Really, it took him only a few seconds to come to his senses and get out of there. The boy always was too thick-headed to be distracted from his goals.  
  
"Do you see the parallels here? No, of course you don't. You don't want to. You only see clearly when it comes to her, don't you? Sometimes I envy you that singlemindedness -- I don't have that anymore. It took me a long time after that incident to realize the truth, that my selfish love for Tsukasa was futile. That the best thing I could do for him, the only gift he would accept from me, would be to ensure his and Tsukushi's happiness. I used to think that you were the same way. Everyone knew you were in love with Tsukushi. You're not as subtle as you'd like to think. But we all thought you'd chosen the right course, Like Shigeru and I, losers in the game of love, we stand by in silent support.  
  
"But No! You fucking had to regress! Repeating the same mistakes Shigeru and I made. Who would've thought that you'd be such a fool? You who should have known better! And see, what have you learned? What have you done? You fucked up royally, didn't you? Just like Shigeru, you got your pseudo- relationship with the one you wanted, but it hasn't done you any good!  
  
"Was Shigeru happy when she was with Tsukasa? You know she wasn't! And why not? Because his mind was always on Tsukushi. Always!"  
  
"Tsukushi loves me." Rui's eyes flashed angrily, though his voice was deadly calm.  
  
"Fucking hell." Sakurako burst out, "Tsukushi loves everyone. But only as a brother!"  
  
"I know that." Rui glared right back, "Tsukasa never loved you, or Shigeru, not even as a sister."  
  
"Is that supposed to prove something? Look around you, man! Is Tsukushi happy? Are you happy? Is Tsukasa happy? . . . Fine, don't answer. We all know the answer is No! So if none of you are happy, why do you continue this farce of a relationship?"  
  
"I Love her. I could make her happy. If you didn't interfere."  
  
"Not in a million years." Sakurako sniffed, "She won't be happy as long as she feels guilty. And Tsukushi is good at guilt. Even if by some miracle she fell out of love for him, there would always be guilt for abandoning him."  
  
"She didn't abandon him. He forgot her! I only picked up the pieces."  
  
"Self righteous lies. This is getting us nowhere." Sakurako rolled her eyes, "Are you really even listening to me? Let me try to get through to you one more time. Tsukushi is unhappy. If you really loved her as much, or even a fraction as much as Shigeru and I love Tsukasa, then you would do your level best to ensure her happiness. And right now, that means letting her out oft his so-called relationship of yours. Let her make her peace with Tsukasa. You want her to be happy, don't you?"  
  
"Of course I do," he replied stubbornly, "I can make her happy."  
  
"For like two seconds at a time!" Sakurako scowled, frown lines creasing her pretty features, "You made her happier before you fucked her."  
  
"I know." Rui finally sighed, his first real sign, in this conversation, of regret for any of his actions. I wish I could change that. But I can't. Even so. . ." The sentence trailed off, the words left unsaid, 'I love her too much to let her go.'  
  
Sakurako (and the hidden listeners) heard the words anyway, as if they had been spoken aloud. "Your selfishness hurts you as much as her. I hope you learn from your mistake more quickly than I learned from mine, more quickly than Shigeru learned from hers. Give up soon, before you hurt Tsukushi anymore. Do the right thing. Or I will make you suffer until the day you die."  
  
Wit this none-too-subtle threat, Sakurako stalked off, leaving Rui to stand stolidly, staring vacantly off into space.  
  
Back behind the boulder, Shigeru's eyes flashed angrily as she turned to her companions. "Well, she screwed that up royally. I told you I should have been the one to talk to him." Belatedly, she realized that Tsukushi wasn't paying attention to her. Instead, the brown-eyed girl was staring fixedly at a point only she could see, as slow tears dripped down her face.  
  
"What's wrong, Tsukushi?" Shigeru asked worriedly, not quite sure just which part of the overheard conversation had set the other girl off this time.  
  
"It's just. . . " Tsukushi sighed, "If he won't leave me, I'm going to have to leave him. . . don't I?" All three members of her audience nodded. "I know, none of this should ever have happened, and I can't go on like this. But how can I do this? He's my best friend. . . It'll hurt so much."  
  
"Better sooner than later." Akira advised.  
  
"I'm a terrible selfish person." Tsukushi buried her face in her hands, "I just wanted to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. And look what I did. This is all my fault."  
  
"No, No, it's not." Soujiro tried to comfort her, but she could see right through him.  
  
"Of course it is. That's why I have to fix it." Tsukushi sniffed and wiped her eyes, before taking several deep breaths. "Right. Just give me a minute."  
  
Her three friends looked at each other, as if exchanging silent signals over her head.  
  
"Now?"  
  
"Are you sure?" Soujiro and Akira asked simultaneously.  
  
Tsukushi shrugged in resignation. "Why put it off anymore? I don't know how much more of this I can take. I love him too much to keep up this charade. I can't be strong enough to let Tsukasa go, and I refuse to be weak enough to pretend that I can be with Rui now. . . What else can I do?"  
  
"Good luck." Impulsively, Shigeru leaned over to give Tsukushi a comforting hug.  
  
"If you need us, give a yell." Akira encouraged, as he got to his feet, while Soujiro merely whispered in Tsukushi's ear, "And don't forget to tell him that you're still wearing my underwear!"  
  
"Thanks guys." Tsukushi managed a small, grateful smile, as her friends departed into the enshrouding mists, evaporating like ghosts into the hazy air. A few more minutes, that's all she needed. A few minutes to clear all the ghosts of what was, what might be, and what could have been, from her weary brain. A few minutes, and few more deep breaths, and she would face the man who loved her, who carried her through everything but himself. Face him to let him down again.  
  
It had to be done. It was for his own good, for her own good. For Tsukushi wasn't stupid. She knew why she'd really been dragged here to listen to Sakurako lecturing Rui. It hadn't been meant for him at all. Not if he'd been cast in Sakurako's role -- Sakurako who hadn't given up on Doumyouji for long after she'd lost completely. Not like Shigeru, who had known exactly when to give up when her ploy on Tsukasa failed. No, if Rui was playing Sakurako's role, that made her Tsukasa. And the thing about Tsukasa, was that if he tried a thing, and it didn't work, if it felt wrong- - he'd stop. He wouldn't beat a dead relationship into the ground, not if he knew it wasn't meant to be, not if his heart wasn't in it. As hers wasn't really in this thing with Rui. She had to be strong. Like Tsukasa had always been. She had to be true to her heart, true to the man she really loved. Thus, she had to end this now. It was the right thing to do  
  
But that didn't make her feel any better about the whole situation.  
  
TBC  
  
~~Life is both much simpler, and more complex than I could ever say. And with a sudden topic change -- Why so few reviews anymore? Is this story really that forgotten and unloved? Not that it matters, I'll finish it at the same rate either way~~ 


	27. all the wishing in the world

Tsukushi was sitting at the edge of an ornamental fish pond, watching the carp swirling randomly in the cool water below. If only her life could be so simple as theirs was. But no, she'd probably be bored then. Hah, at least her life hadn't been boring in years. That was something to feel positive about, right? Right.  
  
Tsukushi snorted softly at that thought. There were people she knew, who would kill to be right where she was now. The more fools they. At least the fog had finally started to lift, as the afternoon sun warmed the mountain slopes. Brown eyes turned up from the rippling pool to take in the swirls of mist as they warmed, lifted from ground and leaf and pool to evaporate into the breeze. And there, where the fog parted like curtains on a stage, was Rui, ambling nearer with a seemingly aimless stride. Though, of course, she knew better. There was never anything truly random about his actions. Not if you thought about it. Not if you knew Rui as well as she did. For he had known, as well as she, that this conversation was impending, and all his love, all his desire, and his need, couldn't change that, no matter what he might have said to Sakurako previously. Nor was he a coward to run from his doom. Best to just get the whole fiasco over with and done, before Tsukushi let herself agonize any more over the right words to use. The right words would come, he was sure.  
  
"Heya," He greeted, as he slouched to sit next to Tsukushi.  
  
"Hey." Her gaze darted up to meet his, before flitting down to stare fixedly at the chaotic dance of the fish in the water below. "Rui. . . I . . . we." She began hesitantly, unsure of how to begin. Lamely she could hear herself utter that one damning phrase, the one that never bodes well for anyone, "We need to talk."  
  
"I know." Much to his own surprise, Rui's tone approximated that of his old unflappable self; cool, collected, and emotionless. Already beginning to draw his old shield around himself in preparation for the hurt he was about to receive.  
  
Beside him, Tsukushi shuddered, recognizing that tone, and hating it. And before she knew it, the words had started to pour forth, as if to forestall his further utterance, "We can't go on like this, It's not working. I thought it could. I thought I could. I thought we could be happy, but I was wrong."  
  
"Tsu. . ." He tried to interrupt, but she wouldn't let him.  
  
"Don't!" she pled, brown eyes shimmering with tears she refused to let fall, "I know what you're going to say, but please don't! I wanted to make you happy. I wanted you to make me happy. But it's not right. I'm not doing right by you. I wanted to try, but I can't try any more. The more I try, the worse it gets. I love him, Rui. I love Doumyouji. No matter how much he breaks my heart, no matter how much I hurt. My heart belongs to him. And I . . . I can't do right by you. You deserve so much better than the heartache I've brought. You deserve to be happy, you deserve someone who can make you happy. But I. . . I cannot." She felt a desperate sob rising in the back of her throat and fought to stifle it with silence before it erupted into a full-blown wail.  
  
Rui sighed, and tried to phrase an adequate response, one which would help to reassure her, to quash her doubts, to keep her by his side. "Tsukushi," He began, buying himself another few seconds of time in which to think, "how can you say such things about yourself? You're. . . the most Alive person I know. And no matter what you think, you make me happy."  
  
"Which of us are you trying to fool?" Se couldn't help letting the bitterness rise, if only for a second. "The past few days -- look at yourself; irritable, morose! You've been as bad as Doumyouji!"  
  
"That's not your fault. It's the others." He waved a hand to implicate their friends, wherever they might all be lurking. "But mostly, It's mine. We could have been happy. . . before. Before we came here. . . Before. . . " he trailed off, sure that Tsukushi knew just what he meant, "I was happy. I could have made you happy too."  
  
"But it's too late for that now." Tsukushi shook her head, unwilling to be bogged down in what could have been, what might have been, what should have been. "I tried, and you know, I wanted to give it my all, to give it my best shot. . But Rui, I tried, and I failed, I couldn't try hard enough. . . "  
  
"Because your heart wasn't in it." Rui slumped further in defeat, his lanky frame seeming to sink into the ground as he pondered the pebbles between his feet.  
  
"I'll always be your friend." Tsukushi reached out a hand to pat him consolingly on the knee, "But I can't be your girlfriend. And it was wrong of me to try. . .I only hurt us more."  
  
Rui's hand crept up to cover hers, even as he leaned forward to bury his face in his other arm. He didn't even try to reply. What would the point have been, after all? What did he have left to offer her that he hadn't already tried? For a few minutes an almost companionable silence reigned as they sat together, alone with their thoughts. After a while, Rui trusted his voice enough to allow him to speak again, though he kept his face buried in his arm, afraid of showing Tsukushi too much of the pain behind his eyes.  
  
"Can you ever forgive me?" For he knew just what had ruined any possibility they might ever have had of happiness together.  
  
"I already have." She replied equally quietly, lacing her fingers with his in an effort to calm them both, "And besides. It was my fault as much as yours. It's I who should apologize for leading you on. For putting you through all this."  
  
"You never led me on." Rui's muffled laugh could not conceal his self- disgust, "I always knew you better than that."  
  
"You always have." She agreed, as she leaned up against him for warmth or for comfort. Acknowledging that both of them had pretended to believe in a shallow façade. That both had acted foolishly, in pursuit of a dream whose fate it was, once more, to die stillborn, before reaching its potential.  
  
If only they could go back in time, to fix their mistakes, prevent the actions, reactions, mistakes and accidents that had led to this pass. But dreams change nothing, and the past is immutable. This reality, this cold damp foggy place in which they were now, blundering around like fools in the night, this was all they had, and all they would ever have to work with.  
  
"I used to believe, If you wait for your dreams, they will come to you." Rui mulled absently.  
  
"Only if you live your life asleep."  
  
"I should have woken up." Rui growled, "Every time that fool broke your heart, I waited and I watched and I dreamed that you would change your mind. That things would be different, that you would come to me as a lover and not as a friend. But I was wrong; I should have come after you, I should have made you see."  
  
Sadly, Tsukushi shook her head, "Somehow, you know. I always knew. Just as I always knew why Doumyouji acted the way he did. I just never could admit it to anyone, least of all myself."  
  
"I know." Rui sighed again, tired of the futility of speech. "But my dreams are all I have left. "That and his memories. At least he still had those.  
  
"I'm sorry." Was all Tsukushi could bring herself to whisper. He looked about as bad as she felt. But what else could she have said? What else could they have done? Better to have ended this affair now, before the wounds got any deeper.  
  
The silence stretched on, as the two friends sat together, the warmth of their bodies a cold comfort for the hurts of their hearts. Rui could have cried, could have screamed his frustration to the skies, as he'd been known to do when pushed past the brink, but what good would that have done? All it would have served to do would be to bring Tsukushi undeserved pain. It was not her fault that she could not love him the way he would have wished. No, he would save his outward expressions of misery for when he was truly alone.  
  
"I guess. . . " Tsukushi spoke at last, as if after an eternity of silence, "I guess I should move my stuff out of your room. I'll stay in Shigeru's room tonight, and ask for a ride back to Tokyo in the morning."  
  
Rui nodded morosely, his gaze fixed off in space, as if entranced by the yellow afternoon sun glinting off the condensation-flecked leaves of the garden's ornamental trees. That was it then. Over, their too-short, too- tense, too-intense affair, ended by a few sad words and by the removal of a few physical items from his space. Hah. A few physical items indeed. The loneliness of an empty bed, of arms that couldn't embrace Tsukushi at any hour of the day or night, of no longer being her primary source of comfort and closeness.  
  
Rui closed his eyes against the world, as if the cheerful sun now shining down was too intense for him, as if he craved the obfuscating fog to return, to save him from the sight of Tsukushi rising to leave his side after one final hug, or to save him from the thought that whirled relentlessly through his head, telling him that he would always be alone, that he would always love in vain, always lose to forces beyond his control.  
  
A single tear dripped down his cheek, as he bowed his head once more, pressing a hand to his side as if to preserve the last lingering heat from her touch. Eventually, even that heat faded and he was left alone, just him and his thoughts, and the uncaring fish in the pool below.  
  
TBC  
  
- - - Now that dragged on like an overwrought melodrama from hell, now didn't it? Thank god that scene's over and I can move on to more interesting things. My deepest apologies to everyone for my utter lameness in updating everything. I have no excuse you know. Life just is an attention-sucking beast right now and I got uninspired for a long time. still am, really. But I felt bad not at least trying to update, hence this piece of shit chapter. My thanks to all you wonderful readers who are sticking by me after, holy hell, has it really been 21 months since I started this? You guys rock. Also love to the new readers whose discovery of this fic and kind reviews help inspire me to keep on writing even when it feels like all that spews from my keyboard is the worst kind of verbal diarrhea ever invented. Whee. Ok, I have also been trying to work on chapters for WW and idiots, but the chapter of idiots I started needs to be trashed and begun from scratch so who knows when those'll be coming out? Not I! - - cm- - - 


	28. you are just stupid

- - Well, I reread all this fic to date (todate being some random day in 5-05), and yes, I still hate the whole damned thing. But it has to end! It will end, if I drive myself insane to do so. But the chapters that were there, ch 28 and 29, last uploaded 6 months ago. Yeah, they weren't going anywhere. So here. Direction! Yay direction! Can I keep it up? Who knows? I haven't the faintest idea, since I don't write these chapters before hand, and nothing is plotted out until my fingies hit the keys tip tap type and we're off! - - -cm - - -

Soujiro, Akira, and Tsukasa were lounging around the living room, engaged in a desultory game of rummy, waiting for Tsukushi to return from her talk with Rui.

For the most part, the game was silent, Akira and Soujiro being too tired to bother to pretend good cheer. Even in the cause of cheering their ill friend up. For his part, Tsukasa was grumbling about the goings-on in the house, focusing of course, on Tsukushi's short-comings. "Hey, where the fuck is that girl? I haven't seen her since this morning. All of this shit is her fault, yet what does she do, but go and hide. Running away where I can't find her! Here I am, suffering from things she made me remember, trying to not die, and here she ignores me. And I can't even get out of this chair to go chase her down."

"Oh hush." Soujiro ordered, "And what would you even do if you could catch her? Do you even know?" It was obvious from Tsukasa's suddenly blank look, that he hadn't the faintest idea, and that the vehemence of his own words had taken even him by surprise.

"Oh fuck it. It doesn't matter." Akira sighed, and tossed his cards down on the table, "'Jiro, is it your turn or mine?"

"It's my turn, you idiot." Growled Tsukasa.

"Not the cards, you dumbfuck."

"I don't remember."

"Bah, flip you for it."

"Oh hell, But I was winning, I don't want to go."

"Such a whiner, my god. Fine. I'll go." Akira sighed, and stood up. Tsukasa's grousing had reminded him that it was time to go fetch Tsukushi back to the house. She had to be done talking to Rui by now.

"Hey wait!" that was Tsukasa again. "What about the game?"

"Here, Sakurako can take over for me." The girl in question had just walked in the room.

"I can do what?"

"No! Damnit. Akira, She cheats!"

"Do not!"

"I'm bored. Can we finish the game already."

"Oh why not? You wanna let him win. Or not?"

"We're not playing for money; so we may as well."

"Hey!"

Akira shook his head at their childish antics, and headed for the door. He needn't have bothered, however, for it was at that moment that Tsukushi chose to enter, looking weary and unhappy. Surprisingly, however, she wasn't in tears. She'd made up her mind on the way back to the house, that she'd fallen apart entirely too often in that past few days. If she was a weed, it was time for her to act like it, to bounce back from the cares that trampled her down. It wasn't in her to fake cheer, (and her friends didn't like it when she did that anyway – Tsukasa didn't like it—or rather, he hadn't liked it, back when he cared), but at least she could try to be strong.

"Hi. Can I play?" She'd taken in the scene at glance –decided that it'd probably be better to be around people for a while, than to go off on her own, where she'd probably just end up in tears.

"Sure." Soujiro answered, "you can sit next to me—maybe you'll have more luck than I at keeping Sakurako from seeing your cards."

"Hey!"

"What? I didn't say anything that wasn't true," Soujiro defended himself from the red-haired girl's glare, and hastily moved further away to let Tsukushi sit between them.

"Where have you been?" Tsukasa demanded roughly, "It's boring here!"

"Out." Tsukushi replied shortly. She didn't want to tell them that she'd just broken up with Rui, Though she was sure everyone except Tsukasa knew. Like anyone had any secrets in this crowd.

But Tsukasa wouldn't let the matter drop. The cards weren't a sufficient distraction from his wound, but the deepening mystery of Makino Tsukushi was. He couldn't help but surreptitiously glance at her whenever she was distracted with her cards, taking in the studied look of concentration on her face, the glimmer in her eyes of unshed tears. Yeah, she was holding something back. He could tell. Fortunately for him, Sakurako wanted to know just as badly. Though, of course, she was better informed.

"Aren't you going to tell us how it went?" She could keep her impatience in no longer.

"How what went?" Tsukasa scented an opening, and went for it, like a wolf for the jugular.

"What do you think? It went as well as could be expected." Tsukushi bit her lip and struggled to maintain a level expression. She was not going to cry about it. Not now, not here. Not in front of Tsukasa, She had no right to cry in front of him. She was not going to cry. Not going to cry. Shit. She was going to cry. "Excuse me." She hastily set her cards down, and stumbled to her feet, "You'll have to continue without me. Sorry."

"Tsukushi! Wait!" Soujiro called after her.

"Damnit! Look what you did." Akira turned on Sakurako.

Tsukasa grabbed Soujiro's wrist before he could follow Tsukushi out of the room, and glared around at his three friends, "You all know what this is about. Don't you?" Of course they did, "Well, now it's my turn." Clumsily he pulled himself to his feet.

"Tsukasa! You're not supposed to be up!"

"And you're going to stop me how?" Tsukasa brandished a crutch like a weapon, "Back off. I'm sick of you herding me, and coddling that dumb chick. I'm going to get some answers, and I'm going to do it my own way."

"Tsukasa. . . " Akira began ready to try to reason with his friend. But Tsukasa would have none of it. Merely ignored Akira's nagging voice, and stumbled from the room. It wasn't hard to find Tsukushi. Not at all. She'd gone straight to her room – the one she'd been sharing with Rui, and was huddled on the edge of the bed, trying to wipe the tears from her eyes before they spilled over. She was so absorbed in muttering her "I'm not going to cry" mantra, that she didn't realize that it was Tsukasa who had followed her, until he sat down heavily on the bed next to her.

"Doum. . Doumyouji." She stammered, "What are you doing here?"

Tsukasa just gave her a long level look, before answering, "You cry too much, you know that? And those guys. They coddle you too much. I'm the one who's dying here, but for all anyone notices I may as well be invisible."

"Oh." Tsukushi gulped, "They do care, you know. I care. But. . .It's scary. . . You're scary." He sure as hell scared her, glaring at her like that. But at least, arguing with him might be better than crying over Rui. "There's nothing we can do. Your injury—We're helpless against it. And . .. With your amnesia – you're not the friend they, we, know. Can you blame them for worrying about things they can actually change? They do care. We care. If you were to die. . . ." for a moment Tsukushi trailed off, looked at her hands, thought about the truth, the truth that everyone except her would probably get on just fine, "If you were to die, I don't think I'd want to go on living either. I'd rather you hated me forever than die." The worst hell she could think of.

"Hah." Tsukasa snorted, "And your feelings mean what to me?"

"Asshole." Tsukushi felt the tears pricking at her eyes again. As if she needed to be reminded again that this man was not quite the Doumyouji she loved. "If you're going to be such a jerk, could you at least go do it elsewhere? I'm really not up for this shit right now."

"Why not?" Tsukasa suddenly changed tack, "Why Are you crying anyway? What does everyone know this time that they're not telling me?"

"Oh." Tsukushi sighed. Surely the gods were punishing her. Why did she have to answer to Doumyouji of all people? Why did she have to answer now? Was it really any of his business? Yes, sadly, she supposed it was. Whatever his memory deficits might be, she owed it to him to tell the truth. Though, she was sure he would hate her for it. "It's just that. . . I had to break up with Rui. And before you say anything," she rushed on, "I'm well aware of the fact that you think I'm a terrible person. Going with Rui just because you forgot me, and. . . sleeping with him so soon. . . and now, ditching him right after, just because I can't feel for him like I should. So shut it ok! I know I'm a bad person. And I don't think you could hate me any more than I hate myself. But I don't need to hear it right now. I really don't." Much to her horror she was crying again. Harder than ever. And all she wanted to do was go and hide. But his unwavering gaze would not let her escape.

Tsukasa stared, briefly stunned by Makino's sudden outburst. Of course, based on the way his friends had been behaving, he'd expected her tears to have something to do with Rui. but somehow, he hadn't quite expected this. "I. . ." He started at last, hearing the words slipping past his lips without conscious volition, his forebrain surrendering to impulses from the deepest instinctual level. Opinions he hadn't even known he had, "I don't think you're a bad person. Stupid maybe. But not bad." Even as the words left his mouth, he could feel the internal argument starting; how could she not be a bad person? Look at how she'd abandoned him. Memoryless and lonely, for his best friend. (If he'd been the one to remember, and his girlfriend had been the one to forget, he'd never abandon her.) Look how Makino had turned his friends against him, look how she'd confused him. Look how she'd hurt Rui, hurt herself. How could she not be a bad person?

She just wasn't. And somehow he knew this. Somewhere deep down inside, just as the suddenly sunny smile she shot him from beneath her tears warmed his soul like the touch of an old familiar friend. A deeper warmth than he could name, a sensation he could not put in words. But one which he felt the pull of, like a secret addiction.

Tsukushi couldn't help herself. At this moment the stranger beside her sounded so much like her old Doumyouji, the one who had always known how to cheer her or encourage her with a subtle taunt, instinctively knowing how to bring out her fighting spirit. She just had to smile. At least the instincts remained intact, instincts she hadn't even known she cherished so much. "Thanks. . .. I think," she grinned, despite the tears that continued to leak, "You're not a bad person yourself. Though, you can be some what dim at times."

"The almighty Doumyouji Tsukasa is not dim! That's antipasto to the Doumyouji name!"

"You mean it's antithetical. Dumbass!"

And the argument was off and running. Almost like old times. Almost like it had been in the beginning.

This, this was just what she had needed all along.

This was part of what she had missed.

TBC


	29. it is all my fault

- - - ch 29, v 2,0. all new. As of 5-05. so there. - - - -

Of course, It couldn't last. The moment passed, as they always do, and soon the two were left staring at each other, an awkwardness growing between them.

"Umm. . ." Tsukasa searched his brain for something to say, at a loss already for what their brief argument had been about it. . . She'd said he wasn't a bad person. And that give him something to grasp at. What he remembered, what he could feel inside of him; the aching loss and pain, the loneliness and fury that swept through him with each fragmented memory, these told him that he was a bad person. The looks his friends gave him, the warnings to stay away from Tsukushi, Rui's glares, Makino's pleas, all spoke volumes of injury, of hurt, of damages they'd—he'd? inflicted. How could he not be a bad person? And then a growing fear, deep in the pit of his stomach, almost cramping in its intensity. Maybe the reason he'd forgotten. Maybe, it wasn't this girl next to him, this scrawny little Makino chick with her wide shiny despairing eyes and hopeful smile, that he was trying to forget. Maybe it was himself. He cleared his throat experimentally, spoke aloud as if to test the thought, "What if . . . What if, the reason I can't remember, it isn't you?"

"Huh?" Tsukushi leaned closer in confusion. What could he mean? Of course it was her. He'd forgotten nothing but her.

"What if, " Tsukasa tried again, trying to get his slowly-firing brain to connect the puzzle, to make his words make sense, "The thing I forgot, the thing I don't want to remember, it's me?" And now the words came faster, all in a rush, "When I do remember bits, none of them are good. And you yourself said, just yesterday, that things were never easy, always difficult, You couldn't even think of one good time to tell me about. One happy moment! So what if, I can't remember, because I am a bad person, after all. What if I don't want to be that man anymore? Amnesia, a fresh start. What if. . . What if I just didn't have the strength to heal, the person that I was? If it's only without the past that I can live. What if Umi was right?"

"No!" Tsukushi's words were a shout. An utterly flat denial of his rapid-fire musings. "No! You were, You are, the strongest person I've ever met! You were never really a bad person. . ." her voice lowered, as she, herself, remembered all the things that he could not. Tsukasa had been like a wounded lion when she'd first met him, like a magnificent animal with its leg caught in an unforgiving trap. Like a wounded beast, he'd lashed out with fury at anything that got in his way. Anything that got too close. It had only been her that had had been able to subdue him at last. Subdue him, only to lose him to this crisis of self-doubt. Both hers and his.

"Then why is everything wrong?" Tsukasa demanded, eyes blazing, "I told you, remembering hurts! Last night, I remembered chasing you, slamming you to the floor. My blood, your tears. I don't even know what happened next. I remember wanting to hurt. To make you suffer. But I don't know why. And you say I'm not a bad person. If that's the sort of crap I have to remember, then I don't want any of it."

"It was my fault. It's always my fault." Tsukushi interrupted, hanging her head low.

"I remember saying that." Tsukasa scowled, wondering how Tsukushi's fire had been so quickly damped by his words.

"Everything bad. All the pain we caused each other." Tsukushi bit her lip, and looked away, ashamed that it was only now, after she felt she'd forfeited the last possibility she might ever have of winning her Doumyouji back, that s he was able to admit to the one thing she'd feared the most. The secret shameful truths that she buried deep in her heart, "It was my fault. I pretended not to understand what you wanted. Every time. I denied what I felt. You said something stupid, I fought back to hurt. You gave me love, I threw it in your face. You pursued me, I ran away. You were too intense. I was too afraid. I didn't want to love you. I didn't want to fight for you. I just wanted my simple life back. I hurt you. You hurt me. It was only to be expected. But you can't blame yourself." She was crying again, "Please, if anything, you're better off forgetting me. I might've been the single worst thing to ever happen to you. We were so not meant to be." She could hardly hear herself talk through the roaring in her ears. She couldn't think, couldn't stop the rush of words, didn't care that she was putting herself down. All she cared about was making the tired, angry man next to her realize that it wasn't him. That he was a good man, despite everything. She would say anything to convince the stranger she still loved that he was, that he had been, the finest man she'd ever known. "So blame me. Be happy you've forgotten. Maybe it is a fresh start. A chance to fall in love with someone who can't hurt you so much." She didn't think she'd ever be able to stop talking, not as long as that stormy despairing expression remained on his face.

Tsukasa closed his eyes against Tsukushi's desperate pleas, let them wash against the blackness of his mind. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't think anyone who could seem so strong-willed as the small girl beside him should demean themselves so. He might not remember her; they may have only had a few scathing confrontations since he woke in the hospital to find himself a stranger amid his own friends, but something was breaking on the inside when he heard her talk like this. He couldn't bear it.

"Shut Up!" His harsh shout rasped through the air. A cold command, in such a tone as Tsukushi had not heard since his old dead-eyed days.

Shit. She shut up, her jaw clicking closed with an audible snap. Eyes widening as she dared glance up at his face.

Tsukasa was fighting a war on the inside. He had been right, the previous night, after all, to suppose that animal instinct was all that he really needed to get him through. It was certainly surging up in floods right now. The desire to shake this teary-eyed girl, to shout at her until she yelled back. He couldn't remember shit, but he knew he'd rather have her insulting him any day, than to hear her losing self esteem. Somehow, he knew, she should be strong and proud. As strong and proud as he had thought himself to be.

There was a memory tickling in the lock-box of his brain. He could feel it, struggling to be let out. Beating against the confines of his prison. He wondered if it would be as godsawful as the last. He couldn't take that. Not right now. Let the shit-fest that was his past life, his relationship with this girl stay put. He didn't need it right now. He needed to shake her, to yell at her, to kiss her senseless? That was what his body said. His mind said no. That he couldn't, that kissing her last night had been a mistake, as kissing Sakurako had been. Besides, she'd just broken with Rui. And what would his friends say? But fuck that shit. She was here, at his side, shaking. Feeling like hell warmed over.

With a shudder he lost the battle. Fine. He'd do things his way. And fuck his friends if they didn't like it. Their way was not his. He was the Almighty Doumyouji Tsukasa and he wanted this. The body remembered if the mind did not.

He reached out and shook the girl. He opened his mouth and yelled at her. It was better not to question his instincts, he decided with relief. He felt much better when her eyes lit up and she snapped back.

Maybe this not remembering thing wasn't quite such a deficit after all. If all his memories sucked, then maybe. . . Maybe he could make new ones? Without the clutter of the past to interfere, but with the wisdom of his instincts to guide him?

Now if only his inner beast had let him be moved by a more attractive woman, one more worthy of his station, one with less baggage, then maybe he might almost have been content to let things rest.

But here was Makino, and though she was yelling at him, and rubbing her shoulders where he'd gripped too tightly, he could still see, hiding in the shadows of her eyes, the sad fact that she still believed all she'd just said. That it was all her fault, and she was still the terrible person she thought herself to be.

He wished he didn't want to make her feel better. Wished he didn't care. You shouldn't have to care about someone you hardly remembered. But he did. And now that he realized that truth, he strongly suspected that making himself feel better, forcing himself to heal from the leaking wound in his side; well such a feat might just require him to make this girl Makino feel better first.

Tsukasa sighed again, glaring down at the girl. Damn it. If he didn't remember s hit, his instincts damned well better not be forcing him to repeat past mistakes. 'cause that would just be fucking stupid.

And she was crying again. Or was it still? Having given up on the yelling when Tsukasa did nothing bit glare, lost as he was, in his own reverie, Tsukushi retreated to the far end of the bed, and curled up, feeling as though the argument had sapped the last of her strength. Given the day she'd had, and the exhaustion she'd already felt from her encounter with Rui, this may very well have been the truth. At least Exhaustion would be a decent excuse for why she couldn't stop crying. She was just a stupid girl. She knew that. Maybe . . . Doumyouji looked like he was realizing it too, or at least, he looked deep in thought about something. So maybe, he would go back to his world, and she'd go back to hers? They could be strangers. And it would be ok. She would make it be ok. But right now, she was going to ignore him, and sleep. Or at least just close her eyes for a few moments.

Even she couldn't admit to herself, that it was only with Doumyouji still perched on the end of the bed, like some glowering guardian spirit, that she actually felt relaxed enough to drift off to sleep. Middle of the afternoon be damned.

She didn't know, didn't need to know, that the reason Tsukasa had ignored her, sat frozen in his own reverie for so long, was that he was desperately fighting the urge to lean over, grab her, and kiss her, like he'd done last night.

He wanted to, but even his animal hind-brain told him to wait. Now was not the time for this kind of dangerous experimentation.

Not now.

Maybe later.

TBC

- - check it out, yo. Isn't this much nicer than the chapter this replaces? What was that about anyway? Even I don't remember, and I wrote the fucking thing. hey, is that what this fic needs, more fucking? Naah . . .- - cm - - -


	30. the way it feels

- - -Look! Brand spanking new chapter, short and incoherent, perhaps. But directional, for sure. Ok, maybe not. But plenty of angst, you better believe. More importantly, ch28 and 29 have been completely rewritten as of 5-31-05, if you last read like 6 months ago or whenever it was I posted those pieces of shit, go read the new versions instead, then read this chapter. Whee! - - cm - - -

Tsukasa sat on the edge of the bed, the perpetual dull ache in his wounded side momentarily forgotten as he stared fiercely at the sleeping girl. Any second now, he swore his friends would come stomping through that door. Yelling at him for upsetting Makino, or for god only knows what. As if any of it were his fault. He was the victim here, and they'd do well to remember it. Besides, he had a right to be here. This slip of a girl confused him with her mood swings, the way she stirred his instincts. His friends were useless, when it was so clear, that all the answers began and ended here, with her. Almost he caught himself wishing that he'd understood this before he'd driven her off into Rui's arms.

But no. How should he have known? How could he have cared? It had taken this weekend, the concentrated force of his friends, and her, and the trickling of his memories to make him see. What a stupid brain.

Tsukasa snorted, as if he could be anything less than perfect. By definition. Whatever the cause, this was the result. Her, him, and them.

Tsukasa edged closer. Even in sleep, the infuriating girl still wasn't very attractive. Not like Sakurako or even Shigeru. Cute, maybe, on a good day. He certainly couldn't remember seeing her on a good day. Yet even without memory, he couldn't seem to stay away. He realized that now. Ever since she'd shown up here the day before with Rui, Tsukasa had been following her, demanding answers, enlisting her aid, taunting her, testing her. He really was a basket case.

Tsukasa wondered what it had felt like to fall in love with this girl. Had it felt as frustrating and painful as she'd implied? Did it feel anything like this sense of icy frustration he felt now? What good did it do to feel like that? He needed something more positive if he were ever to force himself to recover.

Something more positive.

Tsukasa's stony countenance softened slightly, and he glanced furtively towards the door. No suspicious footsteps, no voices. No one to tell him to stop. Not that they had a right to order him around anyway, but still, who needed the added hassle?

The coast was clear, and so, Tsukasa reached out one furtive hand, allowing it to gently ghost along the curve of Tsukushi's cheek, just enough to feel the soft down of her skin, jerking back as if scalded when she sighed in her sleep. He wanted her to breathe his name again, as she had in the dark the night before. Wanted to feel the resonance in his mind as it slipped from between those unhappy lips.

No such luck.

So Tsukasa did the next best thing, and tentatively leaned forward, testing his instincts, the residue of a thousand lost memories, to kiss her. A kiss so slight it was hardly there, the barest whisper of lips on hers, enough to feel her soft exhale.

It sent a jolt reeling through his overworked brain, nevertheless.

And he remembered.

_Pajamas four sizes too small. The shittiest apartment he'd ever seen, mildew and cracked walls, uncomfortable mattresses, the bustle of a family preparing for sleep. _

_Jealousy. He was jealous. It gnawed at him. The reason he was here. A picture in a magazine. The dress she wore. She'd never dressed like that for him. She'd curled her hair. Not for him._

_It took every ounce of self control not to jump her. With her parents in the next room no less. She was angry. But to him, she was beautiful. _

_And when she admitted she hadn't kissed that other guy. That politician scum, his heart had beat so hard it could have burst._

_He'd watched her sleep, he'd kissed her the way he never could when she was awake. He wanted so much more. For now, one stolen kiss would have to suffice. . . _

He remembered the way that kiss had felt, how it had destroyed his resolve to stay away. She was an addiction, a drug. His drug. He'd wanted no one else to have her. He'd been the first to see, to appreciate her. No one else. He wasn't her first love, but he'd sworn to be the one that counted. He'd believed in her. If only she'd believed in him.

It was the single most coherent memory fragment Tsukasa had recalled yet. And also, the most pleasant. Despite the bittersweet connotations.

On the other hand, Tsukasa sighed, perhaps all it meant was that he was doomed to repeat all his previous errors. Step by plodding step. God. That would suck. It already sucked completely to be drawn to someone he could hardly remember, wasn't sure he wanted to remember, and thought that if he could remember how much he was supposed to have loved her. might have been driven mad by the fact that she'd fucked his best friend instead of him.

But then, Tsukushi stirred, smiled in her sleep, as if recalling happier days. Or as if, she'd felt his kiss in her sleep, incorporated it in to her dreams. And Tsukasa felt his scowl dropping away. He couldn't seem to stay mad at her. And that serene look she wore at last, it calmed him, soothed the angry ache in his soul. It promised him that he could get well, then the past would stay in the past, leaving the future bare to him. It would be nice to believe that he had a future. Nicer to believe that it would be a future he could enjoy as he had not especially enjoyed what he remembered of his life thus far.

He wanted to believe.

Now.

Before, he hadn't been sure. But today, something had changed, And now he knew. He wanted to heal. He would heal. He was a Doumyouji, and the Doumyoujis are inimical? No. . . indestructible? Closer. . .Indomitable. Yes. The Doumyouji's are indomitable. He would live, and he would heal, and whether or not he remembered, he would make his life better than it had been, Lest he end up a crushed shell of man, a withered bitter husk. He would find a way to be happy, and if he couldn't find it, then he would make his own.

What a Doumyouji wants, a Doumyouji gets. No one had ever told him any different.

But a Makino. No one had ever told Makino she could be or have anything. She'd had to fight for everything, against everything. Never allowing herself to dream, until he'd come along.

He'd taught her to dream of more.

And then he'd taken it all away.

Tsukushi's dreams now were nightmares, where Doumyouji stormed away, where Rui turned his back on her. Where they ripped her in half between them, and stomped on the pieces of her broken heart.

But when it all became too much to bear, she'd remember the feel of his lips, the gentle kisses he'd only bestowed on her, a feeling so real it was as if it was happening now.

Dreams could crush you, this Makino knew.

But memories could be a refuge.

Memories could not lie.

Tsukushi slept on.

Tsukasa stared a while longer, vainly hoping to retrieve another memory, another stolen moment. It was not to be. Indeed, it was almost a relief from his impending headache when Rui slipped into the room, and sunk heavily onto the bed next to him, a melancholy set to his delicate features.

"So. They told me I'd find you in here." Rui sighed, "Why?"

"Why what?" Tsukasa bridled, still unused to the prickly stranger his best friend had become.

"Why are you staring at Tsukushi like that? Three days ago, you couldn't be bothered to give her a civil greeting, and now, you can't leave her alone."

Shit. Tsukasa hadn't realized he'd been so obvious. "It's none of your business."

"Why? Because Tsukushi broke up with me? That doesn't mean I can't care."

"Hah." Tsukasa snorted. "When did you start to care about others?" For that change in Rui had been instigated by Tsukushi, and therefore among the things that Tsukasa had forgotten.

"You're a real ass when you're feeling sorry for yourself." Rui observed.

"And you're an idiot. If I'd just been dumped, I'd be doing something about it, instead of moping around and accusing other people of stalking my ex-girlfriend."

At this statement, Rui straightened, and let out the first genuine laugh Tsukasa had heard all day. "Oh man. The irony." At Tsukasa's peeved glare, Rui continued, "I guess you wouldn't remember, would you. Oh well. Maybe you'll get it someday." He swallowed another laugh, "But seriously, when you get dumped, you get mad, and you mope. But what can I do? It's not like I haven't done the exact same thing to Tsukushi that she did to me." Truly, he had been hurt by Tsukushi's rejection, though he should have seen it coming, and it was his own fault he'd let things get out of hand to begin with. But still, he'd realized, sitting out by the pond in the late afternoon sunlight, that Tsukushi had used him the same way he'd once tried to use her to forget Shizuka. The role reversal was ironic. But he should have realized it sooner. So who was he to lay blame? He felt bad enough about it as it was, even if, he couldn't completely regret having slept with her.

But Tsukasa knew none of this subtext, and simply looked confused and angry at being left out of the joke.

"So," Rui pulled himself out of his momentary reverie and tried again, "What do you really remember?"

"What do you mean?" Tsukasa scowled.

"Oh don't play stupid." Rui admonished, "You wouldn't be in here, right now, wearing that hungry look I saw when I walked in, if you didn't remember something. So spill it."

"Why should I?" Tsukasa was just being petulant. What he remembered, it was his, his and private. He didn't want to share. Not with Rui.

And that was when he realized something else.

A familiar sensation.

He'd felt it only minutes before, caught up in the web of memory.

He was jealous.

Jealous of Rui.

Jealous of Rui for possessing a part of his past that he'd lost, yes that too. But more importantly, jealous that Rui was in love. Jealous that Rui knew what it was to love, to not be lonely, even if only briefly.

And more.

Jealous because it was Makino that Rui loved.

Fucking ridiculous. To be jealous over her.

He wanted to deny it to himself

Pretend it wasn't so.

He couldn't.

He was.

Damn those instincts.

They'd gotten him into this shit.

Now what?

TBC


	31. so much for that

_The words you say never seem_

_To live up to the ones_

_Inside your head_

_The lives we make_

_Never seem to ever get us anywhere_

_But dead_

"Let's go outside." Tsukasa abruptly pushed to his feet, wincing at the sudden pull on his bandages, and leaning heavily on his crutches.

Mutely, Rui followed him out, down the hallway, and out into the cool evening air. "So? Are you going to tell me or not? What do you really remember?"

"No." Tsukasa swiveled to face him, "You don't need to know."

"Damnit, Tsukasa!" Rui rarely swore out loud, so when he did, Tsukasa knew he was angry, but that didn't change the obstinate frown he wore, as he continued to stare at Rui, "I'm your friend. I'm just trying to help."

"Yeah? Help, how? Like you did when you stole my girlfriend?"

"This isn't just about Tsukushi." Rui spoke more quietly now, but the frustration was still plain in his voice.

"The hell it isn't! It's about nothing but Makino!" If he'd been healthy, Tsukasa would have considered taking a swing at his erstwhile friend.

"No. Tsukasa. This is also about the four of us. The F4? Remember us?"

"Remember what?" Tsukasa fumed, "You're not the Rui I knew. The Rui I knew wouldn't have turned on me, fought with me over a girl. The Rui I knew never cared that much for anything, or anyone. Except perhaps Shizuka."

"You didn't know me very well, then." Rui mused quietly, "nor do you now. We've been through this all before, though you don't remember. I've already done those things, been that man. Do we really need to go through all this again?"

"Fuck!" Tsukasa swore in frustration, as much at himself as Rui, "There you go again with the Memory shit. Nobody speaks straight anymore. Lousy bunch of friends you all are. All vague allusions. And the only one of you fuckers who tells me anything as it is, is goddamn Makino. Fuck this. I don't need this shit. I don't need you. I sure as hell don't want you around. Traitor." He spat the last word out, enjoying the release of tension that came with his rant, and turned painfully to limp deeper into the garden. He didn't care anymore, if he was going to do things his way, to heal and find his happiness, the first step was not putting up with his 'friends' and all the shit they deluged him in. Nor did it involve playing by other's rules. Rules were meant for breaking.

So what did Doumyouji do? He limped his way to the furthest, most secluded onsen in the entire grounds (a slow painful trek, but well worth it), and carefully stripped, before blissfully sinking completely into the spring. Hell, if he was going to die, or get an infection, at least he could enjoy the way down. After all, it wasn't fair at all, that his friends had been splashing around all weekend, as if taunting his frailty. Fuck 'em. Who needed friends anyway?

The hot water burned and stung his injury. But he didn't care. He didn't even mind the thin ribbon of blood mixing with the clear waters. Everything else around him felt good, just for this moment. The steam misting around his face, the dying afternoon light, the whispering winds in the trees. He was alone, and for the first time all weekend he felt good about his actions, good about himself. He was taking care of himself, doing what had to be done. Doumyouji braced his back against the edge of the pool, and allowed his eyes to slip closed, into a light sleep.

"Tsukasa! What are you doing?" A shrill, worried voice impinged on his conscious some indeterminate time later. Shigeru. Not the voice some small part of him hoped to hear.

"Taking a bath." He muttered, allowing his eyes to flicker open.

"I can see that!" She was standing at the far edge of the pool, frowning as she stared down at him, "What were you thinking? You know you're not supposed to be up and about.. . . And what about your wound? You could have drowned" She peered down as if she could see through the reflections across the shadowed water.

"I was fine." Tsukasa averred stubbornly. "I like it out here. Got tired of being in the house."

"I know what you mean." Shigeru sighed, and sat down to dangle her feet in the hot water, "It's quiet here, peaceful."

"Or was." Tsukasa shrugged, "Until you showed up."

"Would it hurt you to be pleasant? Just once in a while?" Shigeru turned away to hide the hurt in her eyes. She'd thought maybe, they'd had a good moment, last night on the porch. Was it too much to hope for another?

"Probably." Tsukasa allowed himself a small laugh. "Everything else seems to do."

"I worry." Shigeru kicked her feet, and started, apropos of nothing, "I worry about everyone. I think we're maybe the most dysfunctional set of friends known to man. I worry, am I going to be ok tomorrow? Are you going to be alive? Will Tsukushi smile again, for real. Will Sakurako stop being so vicious and scaring people off? Is Rui going to stop eating himself up with guilt? Will Akira ever find someone who will let him take care of them? Will Soujiro ever fall in love? Will we all still be friends tomorrow? . . . .Will I always be so lonely?" She trailed off, almost having forgotten her audience, "Oh, hell. Don't listen to what I say. . . When in doubt, there's always shopping!" Shigeru tried to cover up her outburst with a joke, and pushed to her feet, her embarrassment prompting her to flee.

"Wait," Tsukasa ordered abruptly, not giving himself time to process all the wishes she had spoken of, knowing only one thing, "Life is what you make it. Don't waste time in worry. Worry is useless."

"It's not that simple." Shigeru turned back, and Doumyouji could see the fading light reflecting off the tearstains training down her cheek.

"That's where you're wrong." Doumyouji painfully stood up and climbed out of the pool, deliberately ignoring the not-so-subtle way Shigeru watched him awkwardly pull his clothes over his damp body, with an almost hungry look in her eye—the look of an anorexic denying herself that candy bar her body so craves, "Shit. Should have brought a towel." He groused, cursing in pain as he straightened, tension pulling at his tender stitches. "Life is simple. All you have to do is forget about all that extra stuff."

"What extra stuff?" Shigeru hurried to give him her shoulder to lean on as they headed back down the long and winding path towards the house.

"You know." Tsukasa hated having to use words to explain how he felt. Words always made him feel stupid and tongue-tied anyway. "Like what other people think is best for you. Or what they think they know." This he had decided as he'd napped alone in the pool, "the only one who knows you, is you. That's the way it's always going to be. So find out what you can do, that you want to. And do it. Simple."

"But Tsukasa. . . " Shigeru stopped dead in her tracks, and swallowed the words that had been about to trip from between her lips, _All I want is you_.

"What?" He demanded impatiently.

"What I want," she sighed, "It isn't possible." She grimaced, as if in pain, "It never gets any better. All I do is repeat myself, And nothing changes. Even amnesiac. . you. . . . Oh bloody hell! Why can't I be the one who can't remember?"

"Trust me, it doesn't help matters any." Tsukasa laughed. "Apparently, I still want the same thing I did before, and I can't even remember why."

"Yeah." Shigeru murmured sadly, "I know." It was about as obvious to her as the screaming blare of an air raid siren, just what Tsukasa was referring to. "I know."

He just gave her this odd look, shrugged and limped on. He didn't understand people sometimes, and sometimes, he was just afraid to try.

They made it back to the house eventually. Night had fallen in the meantime, and Tsukasa was so stiff that he could hardly walk. But he didn't care. Pain was irrelevant. He felt good, in control again. But now, his friends were the subdued ones. Rui was on the porch watching clouds drift across the face of the night. Wishing on the twinkling stars. Sakurako, keeping self-appointed watch over Tsukushi's sleep. Akira and Soujiro, plotting together on what ifs and if onlys; schemes to bring their friends together or to keep them apart.

"I wish we were back in Tokyo." Soujiro whined

"You're just feeling horny."

"Yeah, I guess." Soujiro sighed and slumped deeper into the couch, "Hey. Maybe Sakurako will room with me tonight!"

"Sorry." The girl herself wandered in from the hall, "Been there, done that. So over, No going back."

"Damn." Soujiro grumped, then brightened. "Hey Shigeru!"

"Not a chance."

"You're no fun. Hmm. . . I know! Makino is single now, right. Maybe she'll take pity on me!"

"NO!" the resounding negation came, surprisingly, from two throats, Tsukasa and Rui, both.

"And you get a say, why?" Soujiro lifted an eyebrow at Akira' s surreptitious grin. More fun than shooting fish in a barrel, and just as easy.

"Because, because. .." Tsukasa stammered.

"How sweet. Even memory-less, he's still a jealous control-freak," Sakurako sneered.

"At least I know what I want." Tsukasa snapped back.

"To bad you couldn't have figured it out sooner." Rui murmured, his bitter voice almost inaudible from the porch. _Could have saved Tsukushi a lot of unnecessary pain if he had. If only things had been different._

"Better late than never." Akira temporized.

"Yeah." Soujiro agreed, "Just think, Rui. Maybe you were the catalyst that helped him to figure it out."

"I don't think that was why he fucked her." Sakurako piped up again.

"Has anyone asked what Tsukushi wants right now?" Shigeru spoke up softly, reminding them, that nothing was one-sided.

"I want to go home." Tsukushi had finally woken up, and slipped into the room unnoticed, "And then, I want to go to school. I'm not a toy, and I'm not a prize. Not second hand goods to be passed on a whim. I'm going to do what I need. And right now, that means concentrating on what will get me through life. You know, practical skills. School. Anything else, I just let people down. Let myself down. I'm sorry, Rui, that I can't be who you need, I'm sorry Tsukasa, that I can't help you remember, that I ever hurt you like I did. You'll heal better without me around. I'm sorry, Akira, Soujiro, Sakurako, Shigeru, that I took up so much of your time, that I let you down. But I can't do this anymore. And I just want to go home. Now. Please.

"But, Tsukushi. . ." that was Shigeru

"Makino! You can't!" Tsukasa, of course

"Can't you wait until tomorrow? You can drive back with me." Sakurako, wheedling.

"I'll get a car," Akira sighed, exchanging a meaningful glance at Soujiro.

"Of course." Soujiro shrugged.

"Goodbye.. . ." From Rui.

And like that, it was settled. Tsukushi was packed, in the car, and gone, accompanied by Soujiro and Akira, before anyone else could get a word in edgewise, almost as if the duo had planned for such an event, or at least thoroughly anticipated it.

"What just happened?" Tsukasa shook his head, confused, after the three miscreants had disappeared. "I was going to. . . Makino. . . The hell?" He hadn't thought he'd be prevented from pursuing his desires, not so soon, not like that.

"I think you were out-maneuvered." Sakurako snickered. "Maybe I should give Soujiro more credit, after all."

"But, but. . ."

"Leave her alone, Tsukasa." Rui warned, "She needs a break."

"Because of you."

"And you."

"I didn't do anything."

"Hah."

"I won't leave it alone." Tsukasa squared his shoulders with an effort. "I'm going to get better. And then you'll see. What a Doumyouji wants, a Doumyouji gets. She can't hide forever."

"Some things never change." Rui shook his head, ruefully.

"Let's go home." Sakurako suggested, "No point in staying here now."

"Why not?" Shigeru agreed

"I'm not riding with Rui."

"Of course not, Tsukasa. You can come with me."

"Oh no. I don't think so, Shigeru." Sakurako laughed, "I know what that look means. You're going with Rui."

"What did I miss?" Tsukasa hated not getting the byplay.

"Nothing." Rui sighed, "Nothing important."

"Hey! I'm Important!"

"God, you're like a bunch of kids."

"Sakurako, you're the youngest one here!"

"In age, maybe. . ."

"Are we going, or what?"

"We're going."

And so they did.

TBC

- - - yeah! An update. And things will move faster towards an end now. (where by faster, I mean, each chapter will push closer to the end, not, unfortunately, that updates will occur any sooner). Really, truly, I swear. It'll be a miracle if this fic ever ends. But it will. It must. Damnit. I'm not obsessed. No, not at all. . . - - -


	32. home again

Once back in Tokyo, things gradually began to settle down. Tsukushi returned to school, desperately trying to play catch up on the few days of classes that she'd missed, and furiously turning down Soujiro and Akira's constant offers to just do it for her. She could stand on her own, damnit! She could get by in this school without help! She had done so for a long time before she'd met the F4, after all. And at least this time around, she had social support. She had friends.

She also had melancholy hanging like an albatross around her neck.

Rui orbited her, sometimes hovering near, sometimes far—wanting to be near her, but respecting her desire to be left alone. Giving her the chance to learn to be just friends again. They talked sometimes, and she tried to pretend she didn't feel awkward, that his loneliness didn't eat at her heart. But it did.

She didn't smile much these days. Even when Akira and Soujiro played pranks on her, dragged her out to clubs, or dropped by the dango shop to taunt her. But she didn't cry either. Almost, she felt as though that weekend up in the mountains had sapped her ability to feel. As if she'd wrung herself dry of emotion, and that nothing could return until the reservoir of her soul had had time to refill. Sometimes, she reminded herself of Rui, the way he had been when they'd first met. When she looked in the mirror, she recognized that faraway preoccupied look in her eyes.

It wasn't over yet. Something in her was waiting. Waiting for what might never be. Waiting for Tsukasa.

He didn't come to school much. Word was that he was recovering, at last. She'd gone over to his mansion once or twice, dragged by the F2. He'd been less pale, less weak, but still irritable. He seemed very lonely. He was very lonely, and a strong part of her wanted to reach out and grab ahold of him and never let him go. But she didn't, because she didn't want to repeat the mistakes of the past, she didn't want to wound him more than she already had. Whatever he thought, she'd decided, his amnesia was her fault, a way of blocking out the pain they'd caused each other. Loneliness was a small price to pay for shutting all that out. It had to be. She had to believe that this was for the best.

After the first few visits she stopped coming over, unable to bear the look in his eyes when he stared at her.

She'd recognized that look, that heat. She'd seen it before. But she denied it, a trick of the light; he didn't remember, he couldn't want. . . .And when he cursed her out for an insipid little thing, a scrawny peasant, she told herself that this Tsukasa meant it, that this Tsukasa didn't say such things out of endearment.

But he did, and he raised his voice, longing to see a fire in her eyes. Craving her voice, the way she could spark up, igniting his own flame. Reminding him why he was forcing himself to live. But she never did. He healed anyway. As if to spite her for her refusal, as if to say, "See, I can do this without you."

But he didn't recover any more memories. Not a single damned one.

He didn't care, not anymore. He didn't need those memories anyway. He was Doumyouji Tsukasa, and he knew what he wanted. Just as soon as he was well again.

In the meantime, he worked, spending the time he was recuperating in reading up on his family's corporation, their investments, the role he would soon be called on to play.

And he worked on getting to know his friends; the men they had become in the time that he had lost. It was easier than he'd thought. They were strangers in some ways, but not completely. And whatever people might say about his brains, he wasn't that slow a study. He knew people. That animal instinct at work, perhaps.

But he was still lonely. And he was still hungry. A fire eating away at him, the hunger for that which he could not remember, that which he could not have.

The girl whose lips he dreamt about at night, the eyes that haunted his dreams, the feel of her calloused hands, the smooth skin of the rest of her, her petite curves and bony hips. Was it any wonder that he often awoke, drenched in sweat, a raging hard-on demanding relief?

If only they were memories, and not a dream.

Makino. . . .

. . . . Makino dreamt, as well. But her dreams were nightmares. She often awoke with a whimper, with his name on her lips. . . And sometimes, she cried out for Rui, unknowingly, in the depths of the night. Susumu took to sleeping with a pillow over his head to block the sounds of his sister's night terrors.

But she was a weed, and a weed perseveres, no matter what. She went to school, she withstood the renewed gossip, she worked, and she went about her days, as one week turned into two, and three, and the gossip and malicious looks subsided again, as they always did, in favor of newer, fresher victims to slander.

In the fourth week since the weekend up in the mountains, Tsukasa woke up one day, and pulled his stitches out from the ragged scar in his side, running his fingers along the red raised tissue in wonder. Several times in the first two weeks, he'd thought he would never heal, but by the third week, he'd seen it closing, day by day, the oozing lymph and blood drying and being replaced by living cells. It had itched like hell, and he fought like a demon against himself, refusing to cave in, to scratch until it was an oozing mess once more. His doctor proclaimed his recovery to be a near miracle; if you'd asked him that weekend at Shigeru's, he would have said Tsukasa was a goner for sure. Tsukasa's neurologist looked at the charts, and shook his head. "Mind over matter," was what he said, "there's no organic reason you can't remember. I recommend a psych consult." Tsukasa had refused.

Instead, he went back to school. Step one complete, it was time for phase two; operation Make Makino Mine. He hadn't a clue how to go about it, but he didn't care. He knew what he wanted, and that was it. She'd been his before, and she must be his again, to make up for all that he'd forgotten. He would make new memories to fit the familiarity he felt, and he would follow his dreams. She would see reason. He would make her see, and no one would stop him.

Tsukasa arrived at Eitoku late in the morning, and waited impatiently in the hallway where the F4 had used to lurk. He saw them coming from down the hall; Makino with her arms loaded with books for her classes, a tired frown on her face; Soujiro talking non-stop, making jokes at Tsukushi's expense, judging by the blush on her face; Akira, rolling his eyes and muttering comments in Makino's ears; Rui, a few steps behind, looking almost as disgruntled as Tsukasa suddenly felt, watching the easy camaraderie between Makino and his friends. When Akira or Soujiro brushed against her, threw a casual arm across her shoulder, Tsukasa felt a stab of jealousy. She was his, damn it. He wanted her, and they made a mockery of his desire by their casual assumption of the place he wanted to be, the place they took so easily, and without meaning anything by it. He wanted to smash a fist through their complacent faces, he wanted to grab that clueless girl and shake her, he wanted to kiss her senseless until she came to life and slapped him back, until she writhed beneath him, the way she did in his dreams. . . . He could almost see it smell it feel it taste it, his desires made life, in the few seconds before Soujiro noticed him, and broke his reverie with a shouted, "Hey, Tsukasa! When did you get here? How are you feeling?"

"Better before you got here." He grumbled, unhappy at the return of reality.

"How's your wound?" Tsukushi, spoke up, the first thing that came to mind, as she looked away, afraid lest someone see the turbulence behind her eyes.

Tsukasa couldn't help himself, he grinned proudly, and, ignoring the growing crowd of Eitoku students in the hallway beyond, pulled his shirt off in one smooth motion. "Check it out!" He posed so that the ugly scar caught the light from the overhead fluorescents.

The murmurs from the peons behind Tsukushi and the F3 increased, as the braver students tried to press forward and catch a glimpse of the fabled Doumyouji Tsukasa, returned from a near-death experience, half-naked here before them.

"Dude, that's ugly." Akira blinked quizzically at Tsukasa, ignoring the idiots behind him.

"Put your shirt on please, before someone sees," Soujiro reiterated.

"Yeah. . ." was Rui's only contribution.

And what of Tsukushi? What did she think, or do, or say? She hardly, knew herself. She remembered all that pain, all that blood. The scar looked so small now by comparison, an ugly reminder of an ugly event. She felt as ugly and scarred in spirit as Tsukasa's torso. She could hardly believe it was real. As if in a daze, she stepped forward, and reached out one trembling hand, running it along the scar tissue, proving to herself that it truly was healed, would not erupt a torrent of blood, the river of Tsukasa's life flowing away.

Tsukasa sucked in a breath, shocked at the feather-light sensation of Tsukushi's fingers. He hadn't expected that. But he liked it. Oh god yes, he liked it. The tightening in his groin at each fleeting contact told him so. This had to stop before he lost control. Hastily, he snatched her hand away, in a seemingly angry gesture. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Idiot! Did I give you permission to touch me!"

"Oh god, He never learns." Soujiro and Akira were shaking their heads in dismay, while Rui looked on impassively, waiting to see how this little drama would play out.

Tsukushi blinked, and snapped back into reality. For one moment there, she'd forgotten that this was not the Doumyouji she loved. She jerked her hand away as if stung, bitterly regretting her lapse. She was really going to have to work on that. Bad enough that the whole school had seen, and would be pillorying her again by the end of the day. Only thing that could be worse, was if it happened again. She set her lips in a grim line, looked away, and reminded herself that a weed didn't cry in public. But a weed could walk away. She straightened her back, pulled the ragged shreds of her dignity together, and gave a stiff, formal, and totally sarcastic nod, "My apologies, Doumyouji-_san_, this lowly peasant did not mean to contaminate your sacred personage." And, with that, she turned on her heel, and stalked off through the whispering crowd, leaving Rui to trail after her once more, while Soujiro and Akira fought valiantly, if not entirely successfully, to keep their giggles from erupting into outright laughter.

"Hey, what?" Tsukasa mused to himself, "What the hell just happened?" Then, realizing she was gone, his commanding voice rang out down the hell, "Come back here, bitch, I'm not done talking to you."

"Oh. . . Déjà vu," Soujiro moaned,

"My head hurts already," Akira agreed.

"Tsukasa, what the hell did you have to do that for?"

"We're cursed, Soujiro. Cursed by the gods."

"With friends like these. . ."

". . .Who needs enemies? Seriously, these two are going to give me ulcers before I'm twenty."

"If we live that long."

"But seriously, Tsukasa, What the fuck were you thinking?"

"And will you please put your shirt back on? I don't want to look at that anymore."

"Shut up! Just shut up." Tsukasa roared; his friends were about as irritating and distracting as a swarm of mosquitoes. "And you lot, Go away before I do something you're going to regret." Scattering the onlookers like dust in the wind, until only the F3 were left, "That girl is going to be the death of me."

"Hah." Akira laughed humorlessly, "You're not dying anymore. If anything, it's the other way around."

"What the hell are you babbling about!"

"Let's go get a drink." Soujiro interrupted quickly.

"But, I'm not done with Makino yet."

"She's done with you. Drinks. Now."

"This isn't over." Tsukasa groused, but allowed himself to be dragged away by his friends, pretending that he didn't hear Akira's plaintive sigh."

"It never seems to be, that's for sure. . ."

TBC

- - - if it weren't for the lovely lovely statistic function, I would think that no one is really reading any more. Thankfully the hits tell me this is not so, (4 of readers review, hah!) otherwise I might've considered burying this fic alive, letting it die a well-deserved death. . . - - - -


	33. the list

It was funny really, how you could never know what was going on in side another's mind. Sure, you can ask, "what are you thinking of?" and they might answer. But you can't really understand. Not truly. Or at least, Tsukushi couldn't. Maybe it was just her. But to ask someone, "Why do you love me?" and to hear the answer, and make sense of it—well, she just couldn't. "Because of your smile, because of your laugh. The way your eyes sparkle in the sun. The stupid things you do." But _Why_? _Just Because._ She supposed this must be why people invented religion. She wished she were a believer. Sure, she went to all the festivals, lit incense for the ancestors, was influenced by silly superstitions. But that wasn't faith. Faith went much deeper. A belief that there was a reason for the way life was. "My family is poor because God said so. My heart keeps breaking as the will of heaven."

Well, shit. She hadn't been brought up to believe in any of that. She'd been taught that life is hard, and full of sacrifices and hard work. She'd been taught the hard way, that the only thing one can ever hope to understand, or even believe in, was herself.

She'd forgotten that for a while. She'd let herself fall under his spell—Doumyouji's spell. He'd told her to believe in him. To trust him. She could never hope to understand him, she knew that. He was too simple, too complex for her to express. She'd fought hard to retain herself, not to believe. But she'd lost, she'd fallen, she'd put her faith in him, only to have it swept away with his memories of her. That wasn't the first betrayal of course. No, no, that had come when he'd left her to go to New York, an ocean away, half the planet away, an eternity away from her heart. When he'd turned her away, alone in a cold city of strangers. It wasn't even the second betrayal of the faith she'd painstaking built in him. That came to her in softly murmured words, _"You'd be better off with him, With Hanazawa Rui."_ That Doumyouji could have said such a thing, he, who'd once said that nothing could keep them apart, that had hurt. But not as much as that third thing, the way he'd selectively erased her from his memory.

So now she knew, knew what faith was for—It was for hurting. Only if you have faith can they tear your soul to shreds.

And still, she could never hope to understand what went on inside that thick head of his.

_Those that forget the past are doomed to repeat it . . ._

Words that never rang truer than now.

Tsukushi sat in a corner of the school rooftop, huddled against the brisk wind that blew scudding clouds across a bright blue sky. Intermittent rays of sunlight warmed her face. She was hiding. It was quiet here, where no one would think to look. Students weren't allowed on the roof, and she was known for her unwillingness to break the rules. School was important, and she was a nobody. A nobody with rich, powerful friends. They broke the rules for her on a regular basis, so just this once, she would break them for herself.

Sometimes, she thought she must be in hell. Perhaps she'd died, and hadn't realized it. When did her death occur? Was it when Tsukasa'd left her for New York? Had she died in New York, a victim of a street mugging? Or gang warfare? Maybe she'd drowned on Shigeru's yacht. Maybe she'd been knifed instead of Tsukasa.

She knew better, of course. Her life was too much of a farce to Not be real. No satanic power could have this much of a sick sense of twisted humor. The gods were laughing at her. They were. She could prove it.

"I wish someone would tell me just what I did to deserve this?" Tsukushi groaned to herself, pillowing her face against her knees.

"Deserve what?"

Bloody hell, she wasn't alone after all. Tsukushi sighed, but didn't bother raising her head to answer.

"Go away, Mimasaka, please."

"You're skipping class."

"I know."

"That's not like you."

"Maybe your bad influence is finally wearing off on me. And how the hell do you know when my classes are anyway? You never even go to yours. And will you stop standing there? Sit down before somebody sees you." she was babbling, she realized, and shut up.

"I haven't a clue, actually, when your classes are." Akira shrugged, and sat down across from her, "But plainly, neither do you. School's been out for an hour. Aren't you going to be late to your job?"

"Not working today." Tsukushi lied, trying to hide her embarrassment, "But thanks for the tip – I'd better get going. . . Everyone's gone home, right?" She tried to act casual, as if the answer didn't matter. Akira knew better.

She risked a look up at his face, at the expression on it, and sighed, "He's still here?"

"What are you hiding from?" Perhaps it was meant to be a rhetorical question. Tsukushi didn't take it as such.

_. . .Those who do not remember the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them. . ._

"He hates me. I know it. . . He as much as said so! So why do I see him everywhere I turn?

She'd been noticing a trend the past few days. Ever since Tsukasa had healed that wound in his side and come back to school. Whenever she turned around, there he was, always lurking. Always watching her. Tsukasa. Was he trying to drive her insane? Glaring at her, like she was some fascinatingly ugly insect to be squashed, or some piece of dirt to be trod on. She'd had experience with Doumyouji's obsession in the past, back before, but nothing like this, this constant harassment. If he didn't like her, then why couldn't he just leave her alone? It wasn't like he was talking to her. He just lurked, if such a presence as his could actually be said to lurk in plain sight. If she turned a corner, he was there, slouched against the wall, if she sat down, he was behind her. And always with an angry frown creasing his face, always with a crumpled note pad and pen in hand. Bizarre behavior for such a one as Doumyouji Tsukasa.

Rui didn't know what was going on either. Tsukushi had asked him, as soon as she'd noticed Tsukasa stalking her. He agreed that it wasn't like Doumyouji to wait around. If he had something to say, Tsukasa would say it. If he wanted something, he'd take it. Or, if he were sulking, he'd be avoiding people entirely, not moping around school. They agreed that that would be true of both the old Doumyouji and the new memory-impaired Doumyouji.

Akira and Soujiro might have explained what was going on, but they were too busy exchanging secretive glances and snickers with each other. Besides, it would have ruined the fun entirely. After all, this was entirely their (bad) idea. And they sure as hell didn't want Makino to know that.

She was going crazy. She knew she was, and it was all his fault. It felt like déjà vu.

So now, here she sat, on this rooftop, in this place and time, in close conversation with Akira, heads together like the old friends they were. A friend who had seen her through some of the worst moments of her life, much as Rui had once done. But this time, safer, a platonic friend she had no chance to ever fall for.

_. . . Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. . ._

Oh, she had learned all right. It was Tsukasa who had forgotten. As if the fact that one of them didn't remember was enough to force the crisis.

He appeared of course, at the top of the stairs, then. Looking for them? Looking for her? Doumyouji Tsukasa, quick to judge, quick to react. And what did he see, but Akira and Tsukushi, His Hand, on Her Knee, leaning forward, murmuring something Tsukasa could not hear. It looked like an intimate moment.

It wasn't. Not Akira, certainly not with Tsukushi. Words of reassurance, of friendship only. Wasted, as the subject of them appeared with the suddenness of a lightning strike, wrathful, full of insults and tirades. Anger at himself, as much as her. Tsukasa didn't know why he felt the way he did, and he thought that in the end it probably didn't matter much. He wanted her because he did. This waiting and watching, and itemizing had been Akira's Idea; his and Soujiro's. A delaying tactic perhaps? He'd seen the way they treated her, those traitorous friends of his. He'd seen their arms around her too many times to count these past few days. The way she smiled for them. A smile that fell from her lips the moment she noticed his eyes on her. The sparkle in her eye that faded as she turned away. He'd noted it down; that and all the rest, but in the end it didn't help. Didn't help to explain what he felt in his heart.

Tsukasa was jealous. And where he was jealous, he was suspicious. And because he felt so much for her, so much that he could not explain with his flawed memory, he attacked her. Verbally, with gibes, and taunts, about the way she flung herself at his friends, and what next, would he find her in bed with Soujiro next? Words, words, words, because he could not find the words to say what he really meant, or perhaps he was still afraid, to really try to live again. Live, and not just exist.

And there it was, the flash and fire in her eyes. The heat that he had longed to see. Something other than sorrow and shame directed at him. Though even he couldn't miss the hurt that festered beneath her words as she traded insults with him, holding herself back from a physical assault that she might regret. Attack, and parry, feint and duck. All with Words. Not a strong suit of either one. And then, all that was left was too Run away.

Tsukushi wished her legs would move, but she was caught. Here in this place and in this time. She could no more run away from Tsukasa than she could stand to watch him die. Even if all he did was hurt her.

"What the hell is it with you?" Tsukushi finally demanded. "I thought you wanted me to leave you alone. You're all healed up now, good for you! You got me out of your life, good for you! You forgot everything good we ever had! So why do you keep staring at me? Why do you follow me? If you've got something else hurtful to say, besides hurling utterly insane accusations at Mimasaka and me, just fucking say it already! I know I screwed up with Rui, how many times do I need to apologize before you stop holding that against me? And since you don't remember shit anyhow, how can it bother you so goddamned much!"

Tsukasa shut up, just for a moment, and stared at Makino. Really stared, at the tears streaming down her face, at her pale cheeks and windswept hair. She was beautiful to him, that strength and that fury. He wanted to possess it all. And she didn't know. She thought he hated her.

But the truth is, the past didn't matter. That's what he'd decided as he'd healed. The present and the future were enough. He loved her, even if he didn't know why. So as long as he could have her, he could forgive anything, as long as it was in the past. He could forgive her for her indiscretions with Rui.

But he wouldn't be able to forgive her if she were dating anyone else. Not now.

"I made a list." Doumyouji announced it in tones like the end of the world, staring down at her, she felt, as if she were some insect under the microscope.

"A list?" Tsukushi could only swallow hard, and stare dumbly up at him, confused by the drastic shift in the dialogue.

"Yes." Tsukasa reached into his back pocket to pull out a much-folded scrap of paper. Behind her, Tsukushi could hear Akira groaning, and the faint, distinctive sound of him rubbing his forehead in frustration. This was one of those moments, she could sense, that he thought his friend was about to do something monumentally stupid. It was one of those moments that called for an audience too, apparently.

Right on cue, there they were, The whole rest of the gang, peering out of the stairwell. How humiliating. Yet another episode of "Watch Tsukushi Suffer."

Tsukasa was blissfully oblivious. Or else, he just didn't care. He only had eyes for Tsukushi, and for that little scrap of paper, covered as it was, in his imprecise scrawl.

"Things I hate about Makino Tsukushi." He read the heading solemnly, as if reciting a lesson. Tsukushi was too paralyzed with hurt and embarrassment to interrupt, as he ran down the list, "I hate the way she can't afford to buy decent clothes; the way Soujiro puts his arm around her; the curve of her lips when she frowns; her indecision; the way she cries in her sleep. I hate the color of her tears; I hate that she has to support her family; I hate her ignorance; I hate the way she insults me; I hate the way she smiles at Akira; the way Rui defends her; I hate. . ."

"That's enough!" Tsukushi screamed, tearing the paper from his grasp. "I get it already! I already know you hate me. So why do you have to torture me so? In front of the only friends I have left? Isn't it enough to know how much it hurts me every day that no matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving you, despite all the shit you put me through, and that I can never have what I want? Isn't it enough that I have to live with the fact that you think I'm lower than dirt, without having to make a list of the one-thousand-and-one reasons why? Why would you do such a thing!"

"Idiot!" Tsukasa tried to grab his paper back, so he could finish what he'd had to say, but it was probably for the best that he failed, and only succeeded in ripping the page in half; chances are good that he would have been too embarrassed to read that half aloud, in public, in front of his friends, anyhow.

Tsukushi found herself backing away, slowly at first, then more rapidly, blundering through the mob in the stairwell, so blinded by the tears in her eyes, that it wasn't until she'd run down the stairs, and out of the school entirely, that she managed to focus, and read the heading on the piece of paper she'd seized so heedlessly.

"_Things I love about Makino Tsukushi."_

TBC

- - - Life is long, and wearisome, and full of drudgery. But at least my weight is now back in the triple digits where it belongs, and I can breath without coughing. Good thing too, as I think I would scare my patients if I were still a walking skeleton with a hacking cough. Not much time or energy or inspiration to write either. So sorry - - -


	34. confrontation

Things never seem to turn out quite the way we plan them. Tsukasa should have realized that. More importantly, you'd think Akira and Soujiro would have learned that lesson long ago, and stopped trying to scheme, at least where Makino Tsukushi was involved.

-----

Tsukushi stared at the piece of paper she held in her hands.

_Things I love about Makino Tsukushi_. It was Doumyouji's unmistakable scrawl. Heavily underlined, as if for extra emphasis. But beneath this, there was. . . nothing. . . She could see marks, as if he'd set his pen, then thought better of what he was about to write. Here and there, it looked like he'd started to write something, but whatever it was, was crossed out until no character was legible.

Tsukushi sighed. She should have known. It was over, and it wasn't worth her tears. This was just one more cruel taunt from a Doumyouji Tsukasa who had no need for her. She was a weed, and this was the winter wind, seeking to uproot her. But she would be strong, she would plant her roots elsewhere and she would survive.

Carefully, Tsukushi straightened up, squared her shoulders, and readjusted her bag. She was late for work again, and she'd have to hurry if she didn't want to be fired for good. There would be time to reflect on Doumyouji later.

--

"Dude, you totally fucked that up."

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"What was I thinking?" Tsukasa roared in disbelief, "Akira, you jackass, this was your idea!"

"Not like that it wasn't!"

"You were supposed to write down why you liked her. And tell her that. Not why you hated her. Moron."

"But. . ." Tsukasa started to protest. He had tried to do that. He really had. But it was just too embarrassing – too effeminate, to write that shit down. And he remembered, they had said, when they first sat him down over a couple of beers after he'd finally healed and returned to school, that if he wanted to pursue Makino, then he had to figure what it was that drove him on – both the good and the bad. That he needed to know for sure, if he really wanted that stubborn girl before he said or did anything. That she deserved that much. No more wavering. No doubt. So that's what he'd done! He'd watched and he'd learned. . . He'd learned that he hated many things about her, but he wanted her anyway. That meant it was really true. Right? He really loved her, whatever he might or might not remember.

"You're just going to have to go apologize to her."

"What the hell for?"

"For hurting her feelings."

"So? What I said was true. Those are all things I hate." Tsukasa protested truculently.

"Maybe you should apologize for being a jealous fool." Rui spoke up quietly for the first time since Tsukushi had run off.

"Rui. . ." Soujiro's low growl carried a definite tone of warning.

"What?" Rui looked up in surprise. "Don't tell me you didn't notice? I know I can't have her, I'm not trying to be mean. Unlike some, I know when to cut my losses and move on. But, did either of you actually listen to what he said?" Rui's voice roughened into a good approximation of Tsukasa's jealous growl, "The way Soujiro puts his arm around her. . . The way she smiles at Akira... . "

"That's enough!" Tsukasa cut him off before Rui could continue.

"No, Tsukasa, it's not enough." Rui scowled, "I hurt Tsukushi, I admit it. But I know I made mistakes, and I'm trying to atone for them. I honestly don't care any more what you think of me, so unlike these two idiots," He gestured irately at Soujiro and Akira, "I'll give you some good advice. Stop playing games. You were never that good at them anyway. All you do is make things worse. Either tell Tsukushi what you really feel, or stay away from her for good before you hurt her any more. Make up your mind. If you really love her, then you can't possibly be angry at her friendship with Akira and Soujiro." Here, Rui paused and sighed regretfully, "As much as I hate to admit it, those two idiots have been the only things holding her together these past weeks since your stabbing. If you loved her, you'd thank them." It was true, he hated to admit, that his silly friends had ameliorated the damage Rui himself had done to the girl he loved. They'd put her back together despite him. He hated it, hated the place they'd earned at her side, but he was a realist, and he knew enough to thank them. "So apologize to them, and apologize to her. But stop hiding." Rui shrugged again, "That's all I have to say. See you." He didn't wait for a reply, but simply turned and walked away, shoulders hunched against the wind. A lonely man, alone. Nobody's lover, and nobody's hero. Just himself.

"Well then." Soujiro glanced between Akira and Tsukasa, "Who knew Rui had that many words in him?"

"Hah." Akira barked a laugh, "And here I thought he might start swinging at Tsukasa again. Boy's sure got a temper these days."

"Shut up." Tsukasa demanded harshly. "Just shut up. Both of you. I need to think."

Akira raised an inquiring eyebrow. _Think? Tsukasa can do that?_

Soujiro just shrugged in reply, an eloquent gesture that seemed to say, _Well, he can't do too much worse a job than we all have so far._

"I can hear you, you know." Tsukasa growled.

"What?" Soujiro protested, "I didn't say anything."

"You all think I'm dumb, don't you? You all think I can't do anything for myself? That I need to be warned and chaperoned all the time? Always talking, always plotting, Makino this and Makino that! I'm so sick of you all. Stop trying to mess with my life. All of you! The F4 is dead. All these years, and I don't know any of you anymore." Tsukasa shook his head in frustration. "Just leave me alone. You've done enough damage already. Stop messing with my life. I can live it better than you ever could." Tsukasa stopped suddenly in mid rant, "Why am I even still talking to you?" It was a rhetorical question, plainly, as he quickly turned on his heel and stomped off.

"Idiot." Soujiro hissed under his breath, "I wasn't doing it for you."

"Hush." Akira patted his friend on the shoulder, "Maybe he's right. Maybe we aren't helping matters any."

"You really think he can win Makino back on his own?"

"Honestly?" Akira shook his head, "Things can't get any worse than they already are."

"He'll never apologize."

"No, he won't." Akira agreed, "But she'll never give up on him, either."

"You think she hasn't already?"

"It's Makino. She's too thickheaded to get over him."

"I wish. . ." Soujiro trailed off, as Akira met his eyes and nodded. He sometimes wished the same thing . . . _That Makino and Tsukasa would get back together or get over each other like normal people._ This unnatural love was too strong for this unstable situation. Until there was resolution, they would remain in a hellish limbo of uncertainty.

---

Tsukushi cleaned the counter at the Dango shop for the nth time that afternoon and sighed at her reflection in the spotless glass. Fewer things in life more painful than a busy afternoon with a too-perky friend behind the counter with her, jabbering away about everything and nothing, while the customers came and went. There had been a time when Tsukushi had welcomed these moments of normalcy, an oasis in her insane life. But, now this felt unreal, so divorced from all the things and the people that really mattered to her. She loved Yuki, she really did; had been friends with her for ever, it seemed, but they'd grown apart, and Tsukushi couldn't seem to find her way back to the way things once had been. Now, her thoughts dwelled on Shigeru, Kazuya, Sakurako, Akira, Soujiro, Rui, Doumyouji. Her friends.

Another customer entered the shop. Tsukushi never bothered to look up until she heard the door close, the bell ring. Only then would she bother to look up, paste a perky smile to her face, inquire "How may I help you?" This customer was a harried-looking middle aged woman, with 4 small children in tow. All scrambling over each other in their greedy haste to peruse the display case and make their selections. Tsukushi had her hands full scrambling to assemble their choices and didn't pay attention to the next few customers. After all, Yuki could handle them, and those she couldn't, could just bloody well wait their turn.

Beside her, Yuki greeted the next customer, "Hi! How can I help? . . .Oh!" She paused, startled, and tapped Tsukushi on the shoulder, "I think this one's for you."

"I'm kind of busy here." Tsukushi mumbled, not looking up from the box she was tying. "Can you handle it?"

"Um.. . ." Yuki glanced back at the man behind the counter. Sometimes life would be easier if Tsukushi were a little less oblivious to the goings-on around her.

"I'll wait." Doumyouji spoke flatly, crossing his arms impatiently across his chest.

"Yuki!" Tsukushi hissed, slamming the change drawer on the cash machine, and handing her customer her change. Great sort of friend she had, abandoning her like this.

"How can I help you?" Finally, Tsukushi turned to Tsukasa, and gritted the words out. If nothing else, she could treat him like a regular customer, and otherwise pretend he didn't exist.

"So this is where you work." Tsukasa glared down at the moody girl in front of him.

"I'm sorry. I have customers waiting. I don't have time for idle talk. Are you here to buy something, or just to waste my time?"

Tsukasa glanced behind himself. There were no other customers, and Yuki was frantically gesturing to Tsukushi that if there were, she could handle them. Tsukushi sighed. The world was conspiring against her.

"I could buy this whole shop if I wanted to." Tsukasa mused, looking around at the shabby interior.

"So?" Tsukushi challenged, "Tell me something I don't know. You think I care about your money. I've heard it all before. So not impressed. Why are you here, Doumyouji? Come to taunt me some more? Does it make you feel more like a man to pick on me? Or maybe you're just too much of a coward to pick on someone your own size."

"Stupid girl." Doumyouji leaned over the counter to loom over Tsukushi, "You understand nothing."

"Yeah? I think I understand plenty." Tsukushi reached into her pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, "This says all I need to know. You can have it back now."

Tsukasa picked up the scrap, and studied his writing on it for a moment. "This says nothing."

"My point exactly. You've said all you needed to say. Now please leave."

"No. That's not it!" Tsukasa roared in frustration, slamming his fists down so hard on the display case that it almost cracked, "I love you, you stupid girl. It's driving me crazy. I should despise you. That would make sense. You're poor, you're common, you've stolen my friends and turned them against me, and you understand nothing! So sure, I can't remember what we were, or how we used to be, but I see you and it hurts. It hurts to know that my friends are so distant from me, because I don't get you, and I don't get your relationship with them. It hurts that I can't get close to you. So what if I don't remember anything? I don't have to remember shit to know what I know. I know that when I thought I was dying, you told me I had to live. And I did. I did it for you. I know that I like your cooking, though it's common as dirt. I know that I hate to see you cry, that I want to punch my fist through the wall when I see Rui touching you. I know that I dream of you every single night. And no matter how I try, it doesn't go away. So I love you. Does it matter why? Does it matter that it goes against everything I've been taught? No, it doesn't.

"I tried to tell myself it wasn't so. That I was delusional. That I was imagining things. That I couldn't love what I didn't understand. So I watched you. And, you know what? I still don't get it. Know what I saw? I saw that Everyone who knows you loves you. It's enough to drive a man insane. All my life, no one really cared about me except my sister, no one ever stuck by me, except the F4. And now, they're yours. I'm not stupid. I know that I'm lonely because I'm alone. But you, you're stupid because you're lonely when you're not alone.

"It doesn't have to be like that. Why do you do that? You're worse than I am. You gave me the hope to heal. You had faith enough in me for that. But you have no faith in yourself. If you did, you'd still be fighting, instead of running away from me.

"That's really what I hate, that you haven't got the faith in yourself to keep on fighting. But it doesn't change the fact, that I love you. And now, I've got the faith in myself to fight.

"I want you to know that. You can't run away. 'Cause I'm not going to give up. I may not be the Doumyouji Tsukasa that you love, or loved, whatever, but so what? I will win. So you may as well give in."

"Oh god." Tsukushi's knuckles were white where she gripped the counter top. This. . . She hadn't seen this coming in a million years. Behind her, Yuki was mumbling something about how romantic it all was.

"I can't. . ." Tsukushi finally looked up to meet Doumyouji's heated gaze, "I can't go through this all again. Not the roller-coaster ride we went through. Please, Doumyouji. You don't love me. You don't even know me."

"I know enough." Tsukasa growled, "You want me. That's all I need to know."

"I want the Doumyouji back that I knew. But he's gone."

"And I'm not good enough?"

"It's too painful."

"Or you're too much of a coward." Tsukasa taunted, "Afraid that you'll like this version better?"

"Not a chance." Tsukushi shot back, stung. She could never forget the Doumyouji that had hurt her, saved her, fought for her, so many times.

"Hah!" Tsukasa laughed, "You say that now. But I'll show you. Give me a chance, and I'll show you. I almost died, I know how fragile life is now. I don't want to waste time with games and distractions anymore. I want you, and I'm telling you now, that I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you see. I don't remember what I did in the past, but you do. So tell me. Tell me what mistakes we made. But for the love of god, woman, stop running away from it all! You don't need to hide behind Rui, or Akira, or Soujiro. You're stronger than that. I don't remember much, but I know that much. You're better than that. Any woman I love would have to be. Think about it." He looked sternly down at Tsukushi, but she looked like a stunned rabbit, eyes watery and wide with disbelief. He didn't think he'd be getting a coherent reply anytime soon, so Tsukasa turned and swept out of the shop. That had felt good. He'd gotten a lot off his chest. So much better than Akira and Soujiro's way. Makino would see he was right. He knew it.

-- -- -- --

"He really said that?" Soujiro was sipping a latte and listening to Tsukushi recount her encounter with Doumyouji. "Damn, got to give the man points for directness, if not for style, or subtlety. So what did you say?"

"Nothing." Tsukushi sighed, "I didn't know what to say. Like, a few minutes before, I totally thought he hated me, and then he just dumps that on me? What was I supposed to think? What was I supposed to say? I think I was just in shock."

"How about, 'yippee?'" Soujiro suggested, "I mean, this is a good thing, right? You love Tsukasa, now he loves you."

"But it's not the same Doumyouji." Tsukushi protested, "Don't you see? It's like, he's really Doumyouji's twin, with some similarities, but not the same. It'd be like dating Doumyouji's ghost. Like I was cheating on him, or something."

"Babe, you already cheated on him. Face it, the Doumyouji we all knew is gone. For good. Even if he were to remember everything tomorrow, he'd still be different. You know that. This whole amnesia episode, this whole near-death thing. It'd change him even with his memories, just having lived through these months."

"I know." Tsukushi sniffed, "It's just. . ."

"You don't want to admit that he's gone." Soujiro supplied helpfully, watching Tsukushi toy with her untouched drink.

"Yeah." Tsukushi breathed, "And that he's never coming back."

"But you've got a substitute, All psyched up and waiting to jump you."

"And all it does is remind me of My Doumyouji. . ."

"And all the stupid mistakes you made."

"I can't do it all again."

"You don't have to." Soujiro slugged back his caffeine, and sat a little closer, as if to impart some critical wisdom to the girl beside him, "Look, Makino. The mistakes you two made before; misunderstandings, jealousies, you running away, fighting all the time. . . It doesn't have to be like that. You know that half of the problems with you two was that you simply weren't honest with each other. You never told him what you feared. So this time around, fix it. You have a semi-blank slate. But you're not starting from ground zero here. You already know he loves you. Great. Work with that. Now you need to admit you love him. Go on. Admit it!"

"But, I don't know. . . he's not the same. . ."

"See, there you go again." Soujiro sighed, "With the doubt and dishonesty. Tell me your little heart didn't go all pitter-patter when he made his little declaration. Tell me you don't get all hot and bothered remembering the way he kisses and wondering what else he can do with those lips of his?"

"Nishikado!" Tsukushi exclaimed in outrage, her face blushing scarlet at his innuendos.

"Seriously, girl. You're not a virgin anymore. You don't need to be such a prude. So chill. But back to my point. What went wrong in the past? Number 1, you had a thing for Rui. OK, we got that out of the way already, Tsukasa is only a little pissed off about you sleeping with Rui, and Rui already told him that he needn't fear on that score anymore. Then there were all the other boys, you had around you; Kazuya, that weird foreigner, that politician brat, the model, that guy his mom hired. . . Did I miss any? So yeah, you got to make it clear to guys that you're not interested. That you got a boyfriend. Don't be stringing them all along. Don't be so oblivious to their intentions."

"Easy for you to say." Tsukushi interrupted with a bitter laugh.

"It is easy. All guys want to get in your pants. It's what guys do."

"You don't."

"That's cause my friends are in love with you." Soujiro agreed, "Plus, I get plenty as it is."

"Of course," Tsukushi added, "Doumyouji doesn't like that I'm friends with you and Akira. He thinks you're a threat. Does that mean I shouldn't hang out with you, now either?"

"Oh no." Soujiro laughed, "That, he'll just have to get over. Boy can't have everything his way. Anyway. On to number three, Kaede. She tried to fuck you two over, but now she's agreed to let you have a chance. So that's a huge help."

"If she keeps her bargain." Tsukushi muttered darkly.

"Hell, Tsukasa's alive. She should be happy. Besides Kaede always keeps her word. Tsukasa's mom is totally scary, but she's not a liar. Ok, number four; the honesty thing. A little communications skills go a long way. As the past few weeks have so plainly shown. That's a work in progress. But you can work on that. And so can he. See, how bad could it be?"

"Plenty bad."

"And you're supposed to be the optimist."

"Hah. Not an optimist, merely a survivor."

"Whatever. So come on, Makino, give the boy a chance. At worst, you'll find out that you really can't get along, and you can dump him. At best, you'll find that he's more like the old Doumyouji than you realize, and you'll love him like you used to."

Tsukushi shook her head doubtfully, "When did you get so wise?"

"Babe, I've always been this brilliant." Soujiro grinned encouragingly, "So come on, start slow. One date with him. One date. What do you say?'

"I . . ." Tsukushi closed her eyes, remembering. What was it Tsukasa had said? _I almost died, I realize now how fragile life is now. I don't want to waste anymore time with games._ He had almost died. She had almost lost him to that knife. Then she'd lost him to his own mind. Could she really stand to not take the chance on him this time? For all her brave words about moving on, about being a weed and growing by herself, could she truly give up, when offered the chance to start again? Could she lose him to her fear?

No. She couldn't.

Tsukushi opened her eyes, steeled her resolve, and looked firmly into Soujiro's worried gaze.

"Yes. I'll do it"

TBC


	35. in the aftermath

Tsukushi didn't go back on her word, much as she sometimes wished to over the next few days. The next time she saw Tsukasa, she bundled up her courage in her hands and asked him on a date. A real live date-date. And after the argument and the yelling over when and where and who was to pay, they went.

And of course, it was a disaster, as virtually every date they'd ever had, had been. An old familiar scenario to Tsukushi, a new, uncomfortable, yet somehow familiar scenario to Doumyouji. There was frustration, and fighting, and yelling, and the threat of violence, and nosy friends spying, and innuendo the next day, and embarrassment and flaming red cheeks and all the things that had made their old relationship what it was, but different. The old Tsukasa had moved beyond all these things, all the class disparities, all the jarring incongruities between them. The new Tsukasa had yet to work through them on his own.

To Tsukushi, it was a painful reminder of what she had lost with Tsukasa's memories. But also a hope for what could be. If she could get through this all, she would a have a Doumyouji again. Perhaps not quite the same as the man she'd lost—but maybe close enough? The old familiar mannerisms, the intonations, the mood swings, in this scarred and troubled man, she could see echoes of the man she loved. And perhaps it would be enough.

To Tsukasa, it was a trial. Constantly wondering if in each thing he said or did, Tsukushi was looking for hints of that other. The man he no longer was. He wanted her to want him, the way he was now, the way he wanted her. But he worried, as Tsukasa always had, about his competition. And in this case, his competition was someone he couldn't fight, couldn't pound into a bloody pulp or defeat by physical means. This competition was himself; Tsukushi's memories of him, all the time that he had lost.

But they went on. The first date followed by a second, a third. Their friends organizing outings, forcing them to spend time together. Outings plagued by Tsukushi's terrible luck and impulsivity, Tsukasa's worse temper and insecurities.

It was comforting in a way, Tsukushi supposed, that even though Tsukasa was different than before, in so many ways, their relationship was unchanged. Still, she sometimes found herself longing for him to be the way he had been before. . for him to look at her with the softness and acceptance and patience that this Tsukasa couldn't quite manage. And she knew it hurt him too, as if he could read her mind and know that she was still in love with his ghost. Sometimes Tsukasa wondered, if she would ever love him the way she loved that other him, or if all he'd ever be to her was an acceptable substitute.

But insecurities and doubts are the common coin of life. You couldn't be human and live without them. So they went on, and tried to make it work, for what else did they have to lose? And in truth, despite the fights, the shouting and the misunderstandings, it was all right. It wasn't quite like starting from scratch, and it wasn't quite the emotional rollercoaster that Tsukushi had feared. There were ups and downs as there are in all things, and good times and bad. But they got through it.

Sometimes they were happy. Sometimes Tsukushi could forget all that had brought her to this point. Sometimes she loved this Tsukasa for himself, for the things he did for her, and all the quirks of his character, without comparing him to how he could have been. And sometimes Tsukasa could sit back, and look at Tsukushi and know that she belonged to him and him alone, and not to his memory, or to another man.

Their friends helped of course, Akira and Soujiro, Sakurako and Shigeru, even Rui. Although, it's true the help was often more hindrance or embarrassment than use, but that was their way, and it showed they cared.

So life went on. And it was a good relationship while it lasted. As good as these things can be, at any rate. Tsukushi and Tsukasa had their faults, as even they might occasionally admit, and no couple is ever without friction.

Tsukasa never regained all the memories he'd lost, but he did cease to care. As he said once, "What does it matter? I'm a Doumyouji. I am who I am, even without all that." And for the most part he was right. Besides, even if he had remembered everything, by then he was already so changed by the experience of the amnesia that he still could not have gone back to being the man he'd been before. Nor could Tsukushi ever go back to being the girl she'd been before Tsukasa's injury, before she'd wounded herself with grief and betrayal. And all that is part of life, the changes and the growth.

And if one day, Tsukushi and Tsukasa looked at each other and realized that they'd grown beyond the other, that they needed someone more or someone different in their lives, that they were tired of the passion and the conflict, tired of the differences that bound them together, well that is a story for someone else to tell.

This tale is finished; it has run its course. A tale of two lovers separated by mortal injury, a gulf of memory gaping between them. A tale of two lovers looking for consolation in all the wrong places, a tale of jealousy, lust, and betrayal. A tale of true friends. A tale of reconciliation, of recognition, of salvation, and survival. A tale with a happy ending. And what more could you ask for than that?

-- "Well now that's done: and I'm glad it's over." --

Fin

-- I can't believe it. It's finally over and done. The fic I swore I'd never finish. The fic I still have with a fiery burning passion. So much hate. And if the ending's lame, so what the hell, at least it's over. 10-02 to 3-06 is too bloody long a time. How many hours of my life spent (wasted) on this? How many hours of yours? Ah well. Thanks you all for reading, and as ever, questions, comments and rants can be sent to curdled(dot)milk(at)gmail(dot)com. Now, I've just got to finish WW and oBaC and then I can be done with fanfic for fucking ever, and turn to a more respectable hobby. In other news, I'm back from vacation (duh) and it was good, even if I broke at least 3 of my rules for personal conduct (again). Interpersonal non-relationship, what? Flings with Friends? Oh shit. You mean I have to lie to everyone (again)? And they wonder where the source of eternal angst springs from. Damnit damnit damn. - - - cm - - -


End file.
